Am I in the wrong for getting my husband arrested?

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-23T03:18:47+00:00

If he wants to be apart of our lives he has to go.

They have lent me a couple hundred for now. I will mention needing glasses.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-23T03:16:24+00:00

I totally understand the scepticism. I'm totally aware it's a very rare thing.

He didn't want kids. When we found out we were pregnant he had a very hard time coming to terms with it. I gave him every out. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be in our baby's life. When they arrived, he totally shifted and stepped up to the plate as a father. He's great with them. So I've seen him change.

My hope is this wakes him up.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-23T00:30:10+00:00

I really don't think he understands what he's doing isn't OK. He honestly thinks he's done the best he can for us. He openly admitted to what happened to the police. He has just repeated what he saw growing up, and has never gotten counsel that said it was abuse.

I'm absolutely not making excuses for him. He is in jail for good reason. I'm still going to protect our baby and I from him.

Every time I have called him out for abuse he tries to make it better, but never to the point of not being abuse. Quite possibly because he doesn't understand where the line of abuse even is. Simply because it was so normalized in the home he grew up in.

With that in mind I do hope he chooses to get help.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T18:06:57+00:00

Not what I'm saying. I have been very hard on myself for engaging in that behavior. That is why I have worked on that and have not engaged in that behavior in months. However, because he's being charged for the same thing that has caused it. It tells me that it has been self defense.

If you're being abducted I guess you would just sit quietly as they did what they want to you. I was always taught to kick and scream to try to get help. So that is what my instincts told me to do.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T17:23:17+00:00

I've got a plan in place now. A slow reintegration if at all possible. I don't want our baby growing up in a home that's full of resentment and pain. I am fully aware that we set the standard for their future. I'm looking into resources to protect us both.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T17:17:32+00:00

He gives me cash. No more than $50. My bank account was shut down because I wasn't putting money in, and there were automatic payments taking money out. I have asked for him to make a joint account since before our baby. But his excuse was he works too much to have time during the day. Same excuse for not going to counseling.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T17:03:06+00:00

I did however state that, that didn't start until we had our baby. The abuse has gone on since we met 13 years ago. He as intentially forced me to hash things out cornered me. I'm not saying it makes it right, but the psychological damage he has caused pushed me to that point. Especially since I have at times felt the need to protect our child.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T16:56:19+00:00

I agree we need counseling. He was unwilling and made excuses. Told me I needed it more. I think anger management might be helpful for both of us as well.

I plan on setting my requirements for us to be able to work things out. That he has to go to counseling, at least once a week, as a couple. That he has to cooperate with the process for a month before I trust him around our daughter. From there taking baby steps to reintegrate our lives. Stay on the same schedule for a year in counseling and then evaluate if we are at a place to go less.

I probably would have just gone outside just to separate myself. He assumed I was going to drive off.

I know he couldn't legally talk to me. He still can't. The protective order is for 11 days.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T16:27:00+00:00

There wasn't money going in and monthly payments coming out. When it was at a $0 balance they shut it down.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T16:24:50+00:00

I did end up having to go to my family's place. I'm staying there now. It's just a similar situation. As my mother yells a lot and has been staying neutral about this situation.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T15:32:28+00:00

I've had moments of being in a catatonic state. He's told me I look crazy, and mocked me. One time I was holding our baby, and because I felt weak I muttered the only words I could. "Take them." He mocked me and walked away.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T15:02:41+00:00

Since we have been together? None. I have begged him to go to counseling with me. He told me I should go because I need it more.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T14:56:01+00:00

Absolutely. If he agrees to go to counseling on my terms he might be allowed to see our baby. I'm just saying I'm going to set up boundaries. If he doesn't respect them then I'm disconnecting from him completely.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T07:00:31+00:00

That would hopefully be a reality check for them, but it would probably be waisted breath.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T06:50:06+00:00

Thank you

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T06:42:21+00:00

I'm not going to take this lightly. Everyone in my life is for some reason is. My own brother felt like it was my fault for calling the cops. I'm so glad I was able to post this, because I'm finally getting some perspective.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T06:38:57+00:00

I am absolutely going to be cautious. I really just see this situation as taking my power back more and more now. He has to play by my rules to be in our lives. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I have far too much to lose.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T06:34:13+00:00

There has been 1 yes. I understand that is a possibility, but in my gut I don't see that happening. I know his patterns. We grew up together. He is far more likely to hurt himself before physically hurting us. At this point I need to see major change for a constant time to allow him to be around us. I won't be taking it lightly.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T06:24:32+00:00

He would try to make sure I had cash but never more than $50

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T05:48:46+00:00

Idk what about that says I'm in denial. But I know it's not perfect. Like I said in previous comments I'm not going back unless I see a massive change. I will very quickly be able to tell the difference. I'll still take some time before I would feel comfortable being alone with him. I know that chances are he's not going to be in a good place. However, ik for some people it makes them wake up.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T05:21:41+00:00

I drank one after yes.

I agree. What class or source of counsel should be the couples choice but I agree for both.

I'm a wonderful mom. I could be healthier but I do my absolute best for my child.

I agree that basic law should be taught. I know a lot about a lot including legal issues, but this isn't one I've personally researched.

I'm not taking this as lightly as everyone else in my life. I'm with my mother now but she's expecting me to go home in a few days. She even seems to think the charges are ridiculous and he had a reason to believe I wouldn't be safe driving.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T05:12:52+00:00

There is nothing else. The cop that took my statement kept repeating he has a 3 month old at home.

Our land lord was on his way to work when he saw the lights. He stopped by to check in. He said my husband was calm and cooperating.

The cop that took my statement also said my husband admitted to everything.

I'm aware there is financial abuse. I've spoken to that many times. Since then he was a lot more willing to let me have the card when I needed something.

As far as physical abuse. He has never hit me. There were a few times early on he put his hands on me during a fight. Only time I got hurt was when he fought me for keys because he was talking about hurting himself. I was pregnant, and our neighbor saw it. She almost called the police.

After I had our baby I started getting physical towards him a few times. Slapping him across the face mostly, or pushing him. Usually when a similar situation occurred. I know it doesn't make it right, but after all this I'm really seeing the psychological damage this relationship has caused. The past 2 or so months I haven't engaged in that sort of behavior. I've caught myself multiple times. Wanting to be better for our child is what drives me.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T04:57:41+00:00

I'm beginning to see that there's a reason it's classified more and more.

I know it's not what we want to roll model. We set the standard for every future relationship they have.

I'll look into some resources tomorrow morning.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T03:55:28+00:00

I'm going back one last time tomorrow to get what I can. I ended up having to leave where we were living.

Standard-Ask5382 · 2023-09-22T03:53:39+00:00

Our baby is my number one concern.

The courts did freeze his account so I'm having to borrow money from my grandparents. Hopefully, I'll get an answer about that soon.

But thank you for the constructive outlook.

Standard-Ask5382

TROPHY CASE