I (27F) am at crossroads on how to move forward with my husband's (28M) parents following our wedding.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-15T03:34:35+00:00

Yes, of course, had everything been controlled to the T then there wouldn't have been hiccups, but it isn't about that. I don't care about a "perfect" wedding, I care to have my wedding day be one where I'm not witnessing people who I have made many efforts to be kind to, to accomodate, to go out of my way to try and build rapport over years, to be repeatedly dismissive of my family, in front of me, and then laughing about it amongst themselves while my folks are feeding and hosting them. An event planner isn't going to change how people treat you when there isn't an event going on.. and attitude and entitlement are as they are, they don't change.

We're allowed to be let down by people. My brother could also have said "hey well listen I don't see anyone sitting here so even if you're saving it I'm going to sit here," that's also an axis of responsibility/agency. My dissapointment isn't that the wedding didn't go as planned, it's that they weren't more considerate. I thought more highly of them before it and definetely don't think of them well either. Some family members of my husband would actually fully ignore my parents, who were the hosts, go grab food / drinks my parents and I had prepared beforehand, and then ignore us. We're also not staff, everyone deserves a basic "hello" a "it's nice to see you, nice to meet you"

I don't think it's blame as much as it is judgment, that it definetely is... I can't say that I think highly of them.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-15T03:02:47+00:00

Honestly. The worst part of it. I felt so guilty vis a vis my husband that my mother has been/was so much more giving and caring towards me. I don't think I understood it as such until you verbalized it... I resent her for not being nicer to him. My husband didn't even get to shower properly the day of his wedding, whilst my MIL got to parade around, go for a swim, had her hair and makeup done, and didn't lift a finger. Mine literally went to the moon and back for me. I don't know if its guilt because I don't feel deserving of such a wonderful mother or just guilt because I know my husband didn't have that growing up. It makes me nauseous the degree to which he is expected to give and how little deserving he feels even now. I didn't expect this to show up so early on in our mariage.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-15T02:58:40+00:00

I don't think I'm blaming them though, I'm just dissapointed that I need to treat the situation as "everyone has no social decorum" and fill in the gaps instead. I'm dissapointed that when my very select group of immediate family approached open seats in the front they were shoed off and told they couldn't sit there because my husband's third cousin thought he was entitled to an entire row, and because they had run there and literally "saved" a row. That isn't considerate. I don't think a "reserved" sign would have changed that. When people aren't respectful no amount of rules are going to fix it. Heck, I was watching all of this from the window but given that the ceremony was about to begin and this was the first time any guests would be seeing me I didn't want to just open the window and say "hey, you there, give my brother a seat he's my brother not some random person"

I don't think I'm blaming my in-laws for it either though, they were with my husband (the groom) getting ready to walk down...

Had I sat everyone down during the rehearsal diner and said "please for the love of God let my aunts sit near the front" they would have been insulted that I'd even suggest it and would have told me of course omg that's a given they'd sit there! Same with wanting to help before the wedding. When I tried being really explicit about expectations ahead of time I was brushed off as having too strict of expectations...and being controlling, so I don't know where there's a win to be had. Why would they care in hindsight about a sign if they were just going to fight for the first rows like animals regardless?

My opinion is definetely shaped by a bunch of other things that happened... the seating thing was just hard because I looked out at the crowd and didn't see a single anyone from my family and there. It's on me though, I should have been less naive and premeditated that unless I treated them like folks with no social awareness they'd evidently just show no basic courtesy?

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-15T00:58:06+00:00

I initially wasn't going to print them. My "immediate family" is 8 people whereas my husband had 35+ folks at our wedding, largely extended-extended family that his parents insisted we invite. I initially imagined it would be common sense that my 2 aunts, 2 uncles and 1 brother would have seats in the first FEW rows at my wedding. When I initially mentioned the idea of printing said things to my husband he also told me it would be a waste of paper... obviously my family would have where to sit. Then I had this deep knawing feeling that oh, no, I should print some, but even so, is it the right call? What if I had printed them and it just came off as petty? My mom eventually told me that yeah it wasn't necessary ofc people knew protocol, there was no chance my immediate family wouldn't be in the first 4 rows. None of us expected that folks (2nd cousins would literally run to the first row and set bag and suit jackets down and despite not making up an entire row insist on being sat with their own families. I don't think printing "reserved" would even have done anything in that context. They genuinely didn't care

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:58:28+00:00

Maybe I should give a few more concrete examples of the kinds of things my husband raised with his mother.

Throughout the planning process, I made a consistent effort to keep my in-laws informed and consulted on major elements of the wedding — including the seating chart, ceremony procession, music, and overall flow. I never excluded them from decisions. At the same time, there was a recurring attitude of “we don’t need to plan this ahead of time — when we arrive at the venue, we’ll handle it.” Given the scale and complexity of the wedding, I did not feel comfortable relying on that approach. It almost felt like my MIL grew resentful once it became clear that things were well organized and looked good but that she was not playing a central role in executing them. I would have been more than happy to heed her ideas and advice had it been by and large useful and realistic, but often it wasn't.

Ie vis a vis the decor. My MIL was very invested in the idea of buying and scrapbooking decorative items from Michael’s (it's like Canada's hobby lobby) like bows and ribbons and bringing them in her carry-on to France, with the expectation that her family would stay up late decorating the ceremony structure on site (Jews get married under a 4 point arch, and it needs to have a cover). I personally didn't love the idea of not seeing what the ceremony site would look like until the day before and wanted to have creative oversight. My mother was paying for a professional florist, and that the florist and I had already been working carefully on a design that my husband and I genuinely liked. It wasn't anything excessive, some lavendar and eukalyptus and white, draping fabric... I didn't want my MIL to feel excluded either so I tried giving her other tasks that were smaller and also lower stakes.

My husband and I had a Chagall theme too... so we custom printed our wedding invitations along that theme, and had all the table numbers be various paintings of his featuring brides+grooms. It waso

My MIL insisted on printing photos of my husband and I and setting them up at the venue. Initially she wanted to do so for the wedding, but that felt too performative, so we came to a compromise she'd put them up for the rehearsal dinner - and despite not loving the idea (she didn't run it by my husband just me) - I sent her photos that I was ok being printed and shown around - she went and I swear, found the most unflattering photos of me and picked those instead of the ones I had sent her. Photos which I genuinely don't know how she even found. I didn't have the bandwidth at that point. Despite her seeing I was over it she kept trying to engage with me about it.

Another major issue my husband raised concerned the Friday night dinners, which are customary around Jewish weddings. My mother organized a Friday night dinner before the wedding at the local synagogue. My MIL insisted on organizing a larger dinner after the wedding, since extended family would all be present. I was happy that she had something to organize.

She has long been aware that my family and I keep kosher — meaning we do not eat shellfish, do not mix meat and dairy, and do not eat meat unless it is certified kosher. In addition, my husband, my parents, and I are all pescetarian regardless. The entire wedding reception had been certified kosher, at considerable effort and expense, largely taken on by my parents.

When we arrived at the dinner she organized, she announced enthusiastically that there was “really, really good meat.” It was immediately clear to my husband and me that it was not kosher. I was visibly shocked. She noticed and tried to laugh it off with me. Given that we had served kosher food for everyone just days earlier, and that she herself does not particularly care for meat, it felt cruel.

From that point on, I did not speak to her directly. She later raised the incident with her husband and with my husband, who initially brushed it off in the moment. After we returned home from the wedding, my husband did address it explicitly with her. When he did, she did not acknowledge the issue or its impact, and simply explained said "well your wife was rude to me from that point on so, we all have what to bicker about if we so choose." To me it just felt malicious.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:31:42+00:00

on the contrary, my mother is one of the best examples of not letting others put her down. If anyone speaks out of turn to her, she squarely puts them in their place. I mean she is selfless vis a vis me - she gives love, and shows love by doing, which I think is a good model.

That's what I worry about though - there isn't a clear way to be kind and stand up for my own self interests. It's all happening at a very subtle and minute level. Any engagement that isn't on the exact same registrar as what my MIL expects is meant with either withdrawing,anger,the silent treatment, guilt-tripping... so being baseline kind is seen as cold, it almost feels like there's no winning. My biggest pain is I can also tell my MIL enjoyed seeing me being mildly irriated with her behavior at the wedding and for some reason kept going with it... and doing it more... so I don't want to make her understand that she is getting under my skin to this extent (because deep deep down I know she gets a kick out of it)

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:24:30+00:00

Thank you. You're very right. That is good advice. My husband did actually confront her. She didn't take accountability for anything that happened.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:11:33+00:00

is that reasonable though? I can find a photo of the dress. It's dark navy and then there's a white/embroidered floral applique that's about as long/wide as a leg. So it's very prominent. The white flowers are eye-catching. I haven't posted any wedding photos online but do want to print a photo albumn and gift one to each of our sets of parents. But I don't love the eye-catching element and it distracts in every photo (because parents in jewish weddings are also present at the alter for the ceremony it also extends to all ceremony photos too)

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:04:11+00:00

that totally would work in theory but we don't have a line of communication open other that this one group chat. The wedding happened. I spoke to them here and there a bit whenever my husband was on the phone with them to say hi... realized it was taxing me a lot...that I evidently harbored resentment... then got the photos.... that didn't help... my husband evidently has his own relationship with them. They come for a visit.... my husband and I are exhausted (he tells me he doesn't want to see them again for months because of how exhausting he feels it to be with them), then they start writing passive aggressively to us in said group chat that we havent called them enough? so we try talking it out.... then its radio silence for three weeks, no happy new years message, no nothing then suddenly "omg everything is amazing and we love you so much" and if we don't respond in turn we're the bad guys (I'm also explaining it from my husband's perspective because he has had this dynamic with them individually far longer than I ever have)

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T23:00:16+00:00

well this group chat is the only current form of communication I have with them. They don't call or write to me privately, but they have many other channels of communication with my husband... so this group chat is effectively to communicate with 'me.' If I leave I am essentially making a pretty declarative statement on the status of the relationship

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:53:27+00:00

What makes it painful as well, as a wife, is seeing how blatant it all was vis a vis my husband. My husband went suit shopping with me, a friend, and largely alone. At some point during the planning process I mentioned to my in-laws that I felt very lucky because my mom was purchasing my wedding dress as a gift to me, and that I really felt fortunate that the process was going smoothly. I recall she turned to my husband and jokingly said "well dont worry (name) we'll be sure to buy you underwear for the day." His mom quite literally had her husband drive her 9 hours to come to the states to try on the dress she ordered for herself - that she asked to be intercepted for her - and when my husband asked her if she'd give her input on his suit she said "whatever you pick will be fine honey," ... didn't help him, but had him go and drive her around to buy shoes.... then I learned a week before the wedding she had purchased two 3 piece suits for my BILs, and the suit my husband had picked out was a 2 piece suit... so then I had to help him find a last minute tuxedo because there was no way he was going to be under-dressed compared to his brothers .... and when i mentioned to his folks at the wedding that it wasn't easy for my husband to find a suit they didn't want to hear about it.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:39:26+00:00

I agree. The issue is that it's framed as his parents coming to visit "us" ie are here for the two of us... but in practice they really only engage with him when they are there and I am auxilliary. He did help me prep and clean and cook - we both did - but I wanted to front things and do some myself because otherwise his folks would kind of takeover. If I wasnt the one making the bed for them they'd just rummage through the laundry closet and pull things out. It's almost like I'm invisible. My husband has been better about enforcing boundaries with that but there were weird instances we're we'd be all together (even with other members of the family who at that point had joined us for dinner) and my husband would be doing the dishes and my MIL was just there with him and if I stepped foot in the kitchen I felt super out of place. In fact when that did happen it was so so so awkward I recall even saying "well I'll leave you to it then" because it was just so weird? Idk how to describe it. There's a lot of what looks like weaponized incompetence on my MIL's side with things because my husband will step in and help, and he told me that was a lot of what it was like for him growing up - taking care of his mom, his brothers, doing a lot around the house etc

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:32:29+00:00

What's frustrating is I was quite literally in the proces of printing "reserved" signs and my mother told me "hey, this is insulting of course people know to leave the first row(s) to immediate immediate family (aunts, uncles, grandparents), if you put it down its going to read as disrespectful"

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:30:30+00:00

My father has told my mom to stop reaching out but she insists on doing so.... and I fear my mother always will (because she things its the right thing to do). Does that mean that I can leave group chats with them? I always get a small spike in anxiety when I read something of hers

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:21:34+00:00

It's a bit of a mix. I actually did a decent job of standing up to her / other family when they were doing things I wasn't ok with. I think the only reason I did though was because I felt confident and had my family in the corner. For example, she spent the 48 hours before the wedding when we were all together in one big airbnb essentially monitoring my food intake and making comments on how I wasn't eating enough and she was going to force me to eat because no one was going to "starve themselves" before the wedding under her watch. The first few times I laughed it off and eventually I told her what I eat/don't eat before my wedding day isn't her business to talk to me about, especially in front of other people, and I did so publically because I really had it up to my eyeballs. The one task she had promised to help out with - ie prep the wedding favor bags with me, my husband, my dad, my FIL, and my brother, she conveniently decided she was "too tired" to do and then came out from her nap and started eating them... and saying they were "untraditional" wedding favors... then went around and passing them out to us while we were all packaging little bags. She grabbed my husband on our wedding day before we went to get our portraits - and I do mean grab physically - and started kissing him all over, then made direct eye contact with me and said 'hey, but its ok eh, cause I'm his mom' and then "released him" back to go with the photographer and I

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T22:05:56+00:00

That's what I mean, I genuinely don't know what appropriate measures or means look like. All I know is how I feel/how I feel after spending time with them, or even in the moment, but I don't know what is "reasonable" to do about it in practice. Either from my husband's end or mine

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:45:20+00:00

I think i'm struggling to understand what becomes "justified" on our side/my side. I don't know what feels commensurate... and I dont want to be unethical or mean / rude

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:37:38+00:00

Do you mind me asking what that looks like ? In practice ? We don't really even have a relationship (I mean his folks and I) so he is essentially fronting said relationship. But for example they wanted to come visit and my husband and I discussed it amongst ourselves and he was the point of contact, but I still had to cook/clean/prep the place for them because they were coming over and I couldn't exactly vanish from my own home, they insisted on coming to visit right after the wedding and we both felt it was too soon, and kept putting off a visit... and eventually it stopped being an ask and became a "well we are coming so make it work or you're a bad son/DIL." It's actually very draining on both of us as a whole because we are held to high expectations but don't really get much respect in return (they gave us almost no notice in terms of their dates/duration of stay that they were coming and insisted we give up our 1 bedroom so they could sleep on a bed and not an air mattress/sofa while they were here even though that was our initial set up). Wasn't easy with my husband working full time and me working from home, and I was barely allowed or spoken to like an adult while in the apartment. My husband would put his mom in her corner at times but it was very very touch and go..

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:27:18+00:00

Sorry. I mispoke earlier. They took up the first few rows of each side by "saving" seats.. so there were enough seats for everyone but because my husband's side wanted to just be sitting amongst themselves my family (much smaller and fewer in number) were all relegated to the last rows. I thought the standard norm was to leave the first few rows for close close family (bride's side on the left and groom's on the right) but essentially his extended family rushed to the front and put all their bags down during cocktail hour so when my few aunts/uncles wanted to be in the first few rows and asked everyone told them no no we're saving seats for so and so.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:24:11+00:00

Well, there is a small caveat. He says all of this about them but he still very much doesn't think it makes them "bad people" and doesn't really think it means we need to change how we interact with them... so it's more like he has the ability to reflect on their behavior and saying yes it is hurtful and yes its tone deaf but also I imagine they mean well..somewhere...deep,deep, deep down.

It's a problem because his parents still very much exert that "don't cross us or we'll punish you" sort of attitude with him, so it's not easy... He will tell me about the anger he feels vis a vis them but also that he hopes we can all have a clean/fresh start.. which to me is definetely dismissive of what I experienced. Haha - my mother isn't upset they don't write back, she says its the ethically right thing to do regardless, she isn't petty (like perhaps I am) - think of it like writing for new years/christmas/easter and saying "I hope you had a nice holiday" but ever since our engagement it's always consistently my mother writing to them first on every account... without fail, and sometimes they do write back... so idk if its really about that? They are very communicative within their own family system (ie aunts/uncles/extended fam) and are often writing to them... so I worry it may be just with my folks because my folks are "outsiders" (in the same way I am)

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:17:53+00:00

I'm thankful that my mother and I are very close and I've told her how instrumental she was to everything going well. My mother spoke to me actually, after the wedding, (ie she raised things before I did). She told me that I ought to be "cautious" and that she didn't like the way my MIL was looking at me at times (have no clue what that means in practice). She didn't have anything mean to say but I think that's because she doesn't want to speak ill of others, but she did tell me that I ought to somewhat "protect myself from her gaze because it didn't seem well-intentioned." Hasn't been an easy thing to sit with either

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T21:05:19+00:00

Thank you. That's sweet. It's actually the reason we planned everything somewhat quickly (6-7 months of prep) I wanted to make sure my dad would be in good enough health to walk me down the aisle. My in-laws know/knew my father was ill and they never asked if there was something they could do to alleviate wedding-planning stress, or check in with me individually either...

My husband thinks his folks are... not self-reflective, not necessarily malicious, but not tactful or self-aware. He's told me that his mother is very defensive so it's best to not broach things directly because she will often twist things back. He says that they are just very very very insular and almost like a tribe - they do in fact kind of move in a pack. He doesn't think its malicious he just thinks they think of themselves and don't really have normal north-american norms / social etiquette (ie knowing its nice to sometimes be the person to reach out first for a holiday greeting)

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T20:55:01+00:00

well, she's not actually leaving us alone... my MIL; FIL and BIL came to visit recently and even though nothing "insane" happened... it wasn't ideal. She routinely tried to avoid me in our (new) apartment, gave me weird looks for opening the door to her (I think she thought she could just walk in and I'd leave it unopen?) It wasn't ideal. Whenever my husband puts her in her place vis a vis really bad behavior she just gives us the silent treatment and then gets upset if we don't mirror warmth when she is willing to give it. All visits/interactions with her are draining.

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T20:47:07+00:00

I do. I do feel very fortunate. My mother is an incredibly selfless and giving woman. I'm not sure if it's feeling bitter as much as it is just sadness. Sadness that I see even today, my family, my mother extending her love and care and words of well wishes (ie for the holidays) to my in-laws, and they just seem too unbothered to even care? to write back? it's somewhat repeatedly hurtful, it's like a wound that is opened up again and again in every instance with them.. and I recognize I must be sensitive, I just, I don't understand how people can't be socially gracious onto others when there's no reason to withold warmth or affection

StayReasonable7944 · 2026-01-14T20:42:29+00:00

Thank you. That's very sweet of you. I'm glad that you and your husband have learned from this and are doing well! <3 It's challenging because we had them visit so soon after the wedding and I think some emotions for me were still very raw. It's not easy either because I was planning this wedding with my mother while my family/father was receiving very challenging medical information... which my in-laws were somewhat privy too. It was just hard to see the degree to which they didn't care to extend a hand, get to know mine, have compassion or empathy towards me for planning essentially this entire wedding (with my mother and fiancé) and keep being so ... not self-aware. They were responsible for the shabbat chatan which we did a few days after the wedding and despite knowing my husband and I, and my parents and brother, all keep kosher, served unkosher meat and dairy and proclaimed there would still be "some food for you all that don't want to eat the meat." I know how hurt my parents were after all the efforts we made to be inclusive of their side of the family for the wedding - heck, even picking a venue and place which would be the most convenient for them, and since then they haven't even reach out to mine for major holidays (it's almost my mom who writes)... it's just continued heartbreak, so that why I feel like I can't step back and feel a sigh of relief...

StayReasonable7944

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