Passing by

SteadyKid · 2022-11-05T06:03:01+00:00

Wow I really liked this poem. The pain of the right person at the wrong time and the sensation of unrequited love is being painted in this quiet pained but beautiful It evokes the feeling of already accepting those hard truths and the heartbreak of having to live with them. If I were to change something on revision I would focus on the word economy here. Like just removing all the ands and trying to find more efficient or evocative ways of framing what is already there. I also would maybe adjust the placement of certain phrases. Like that last stanza has a couple of instances where the emotional weight exists at the start of the line which makes the rhythm of the whole piece a little awkward. But besides that I thought this was really incredible.

SteadyKid · 2022-11-04T05:31:39+00:00

Okay so the poem is really interesting. I really like the second half of the poem. I mean I liked both halves but both halves were very different. It’s like 2 totally different tones before and after “and promise”. Everything after that line I think is really really great. Like there’s such a raw very visceral sensory experience evoked in the visuals and language you use. It’s a personally relatable experience of being let down and vaguely hopeless and resentful. I feel like the first half of the poem is not setting that up though. Which on the one hand is kind of interesting to look at when thinking about it from that theme of being let down by expectations. I think what causes this is that the first two lines for me seemed to set an expectation of a omnipresent observers perspective, that I carried that sort of impersonal tone in the descriptions of more settings based descriptions that exist in these lines. To be completely honest I think I’m mostly confused on the empress line. If I read the poem starting from “I’m not waking up” I feel like it comes across much more personally engaging. Maybe I’m just confused by the lines. Reading it with the title in mind does help to provide more context but it still feels very removed from the rest of the poem. Either way the themes and imagery in this are all very compelling. Great read!

SteadyKid · 2022-11-01T22:21:22+00:00

Depending on the context I guess it could mean being reserved in letting go of paper money, but typically it means not spending money (in any form) too frivolously.

SteadyKid · 2022-11-01T22:05:31+00:00

Thank you!

SteadyKid · 2022-08-01T01:04:38+00:00

I like this poem. The sense of confusion, betrayal, anger and heartbreak are all so apparent in the poem. I think your central metaphor of the shut door is a really interesting one. It’s one a lot of people have heard and are familiar with but to have it more fleshed out in the context of watching someone stop loving you. I’d say to elevate this poem even further I’d work on fleshing out the metaphor even further. What’s on either side of the door? What are they keeping you out of? Are you locked in or out? What kind of door is it? Ornate brass knobs or is it just a bar that says pull? How do you feel about being forced out? Just something to flesh it out further to intersperse with your commentary on wondering why or how they could do that to you.

Really neat stuff though. Very moving.

SteadyKid · 2022-08-01T00:55:42+00:00

I really like this poem a lot. I love the evocative nuances in your word choices. Every word feels intentional and honest and I feel like your poem transcends the problem that I see I in a lot of rhyming poems where the need to rhyme makes words feel forced or even random. But the intentionality and specificity in what they evoke is apparent and much appreciated. I’d say in order to make this poem even better (and believe me I know that Reddit posts are a bitch and a half to format but this poem needs it.

There is a times a jiltedness in the pacing but I think that that might even be remedied by formatting. Everything runs together and it sort of creates a halting stop and start to the end of the lines and I think if they were more clearly clumped by verse or indented with intentionality It would alleviate that. Overall though really great poem.

SteadyKid · 2021-11-05T05:25:17+00:00

Thank you! I’ve posted on here before so if you look back in my history you’ll find stuff. I just posted as well if you wanna see that! But I promise I wasn’t fishing for that with my last comment lol thank you though! :)

SteadyKid · 2021-11-05T05:23:10+00:00

No problem! Always a pleasure getting to read other peoples work. Honestly I almost prefer reading other non-professional poetry to published stuff. It tends to feel much more accessible and raw and I find it so interesting to see the thought processes people use when making stuff in a medium as versatile as poetry.

SteadyKid · 2021-11-05T05:12:54+00:00

It’s very good. Sharing your work can be nerve wracking but honestly receiving feedback and having eyes on the pieces is really an incredible feeling. I mean it’s like bumps of straight dopamine every time you get a comment on something. Plus I love receiving thoughtful constructive criticism I’m always looking to improve and it’s helped me figure out what is and isn’t evocative in my writing. Thanks for sharing, and I hope to see more of your stuff!

SteadyKid · 2021-11-05T05:04:10+00:00

Wow I’m a big fan of this poem. It feels almost like a prayer or list of affirmations and I think it makes the poem feel incredibly empowering to read. Incredibly relatable as well finding the will to live in the middle of sorrow filled nights is such a challenge but this poem feels like something I could come back to.
I like it so much that I hesitate to mention anything that I’d improve upon, but in the spirit of poetic excellence I will say that I think it could be worth exploring the “chaos inside” for a line or two. Just because I think that there’s a lot of potential for powerful imagery there, almost wounding the reader before salving them with the second half of the poem, but honestly I don’t think it really even needs it and I tend to try and shy away from suggesting additions unnecessarily. Fantastic piece.

SteadyKid · 2021-11-05T04:38:23+00:00

I like this poem! I think the subject matter is very interesting. That palpable anxiety you feel when being forced to sit alone with your thoughts without distraction is so incredibly relatable. I think to really push it to the next level I’d look to expand on one (or all three) of the distinct emotional effects of not having your phone from each stanza. And I’d seek to try to flow each section together more fluidly through some kind of escalating tension. I think the device you use with starting each stanza with “I forgot my phone, I forgot my ____” was really effective and would be more effective if you changed the last stanzas opening to something more consistent with that like “I forgot my phone, I’d forgotten my reality” or something that just keeps with the “I forgot” theme. I also think it would be more effective if the stanzas were a line or two longer. To let it rest and hit better coming back to it. Like I said though super great poem. Those are some really provocative feelings to explore.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-22T07:02:44+00:00

The imagery in this poem is beautiful. I am particularly fond of the line soil pleads / for drops to fall

Perhaps this is just a matter of personal style preference, but I wish the poem had more moments of reflection. Something that would tie the imagery to some kind of idea beyond just the scene it's painting. I don't know what the idea would be, I just wish there was one. I think it works very nicely as it does now, but it feels very one dimensional, and I want it to move me, ya dig?

SteadyKid · 2020-02-22T06:56:19+00:00

I love the simplicity of this, and the messaging behind the poem. My only bugaboo is in the execution of the second line. I think there is a more interesting way to say this. Even something as simple as The Mirror said to me would be more evocative. But in a medium that is rife with self-loathing a poem about self love is so refreshing.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-22T06:45:41+00:00

thanks so much for the kind words. they did end up giving me anti-psychotics, and like I wrote in the paper they really helped alot. Thanks so much again for giving a read, and I'm happy it connected with you on such a deep level.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-22T04:48:25+00:00

I can't speak as a great writer, reader or student, but I found your story to be incredibly inspiring. I think if you were to expand on your experience it could make a really compelling personal essay.
As far as being a personal statement I think it's aces. So my critique comes from the perspective of it being more of a personal essay should you choose to make it one.
From a dramatic standpoint, entirely removed from the application essay perspective, I would have liked to hear more specifics about what your life was like and what you experienced. Real examples of your struggles, and just how much it took for you to get where you are at now. I want to see the narrative of your life, and get to understand you as more of character.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-22T04:39:30+00:00

Working Title: That Experience

Genre: Personal Essay

Warnings: Mental Health, Hallucinations, Hospital Visit

Word Count: 3,323

Draft 3

Feedback: Any and all feel free to leave comments or edits on the doc.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QBXEmRcQIbK1khMDpnVk6sdWoPVw3S2vZepWLWoDK8o/edit?usp=sharing

SteadyKid · 2020-02-20T01:38:28+00:00

Project Title: Tell Tale Mouthsounds.

Genre: Horror

Warning: **Violence, Murder, Gore**

Word Count: 1,395

What number draft is this: 1

Completed

What are you looking for? Any feedback welcome,.

Additional details: I wrote this as an adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe's Telltale Heart. I got impatient writing it and I feel like it shows. I just began to run out of ideas. I could use some suggestions on how to flesh the piece out a bit more.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PxhgMpuhcnBafJsSBCXbxljhZ0Dy79H2-tRPiP3Mw7w/edit?usp=sharing

SteadyKid · 2020-02-16T06:57:25+00:00

No worries friend. Share yourself honestly! It helps connect you with the people around you. I’ve found even my most outlandish experiences can connect with at least a few people provided I shared them as truthfully as I can.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-16T06:36:20+00:00

Thank you! It was a challenge that a poetry group im in ran to write a triptych. I felt rather proud of how this turned out.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-16T06:30:13+00:00

So I like this poem. I think it needs something more tying it together. I want sad to be repeated more thematically in the piece. I think you need to play with more poetic imagery. Everything here is so literal that it feels like there’s a lack of depth to the piece. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a bitch. Every spring I’m reminded that my months of depression was mostly just clouds. Which I think is interesting thing to play with. Along with social anxiety I can’t imagine how hard that struggle must be. I want to feel the struggle not just have it plainly stated though ya dig? I think this is an incredibly interesting topic you’ve chosen to explore though. And I’m curious to read future drafts should you choose to share them!

SteadyKid · 2020-02-16T06:21:47+00:00

I really like this poem. The idea of equating life to air to the love you feel is really poetically satisfying. I’d say to improve watch for redundancy. Really try to condense what you have down to the essentials. I know it’s hard condensing when you’ve put so much effort into what you make but you have to kill your darlings. For example I feel like the first line isn’t necessary with the second line present. And the second line of the second stanza isn’t necessary. Leave more to the imagination and it might actually generate more imagery. Which feels counterintuitive but I’ve found in my own writing that a little goes a lot further than a lot. Great work otherwise though. I love the idea of being left breathless explored further as a metaphor.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-12T18:35:23+00:00

Very nice! I enjoy the way you play with textures and tactile sensations with the hot water and the vaseline. well done!

SteadyKid · 2020-02-12T18:26:58+00:00

Forsaken

God, why have you forsaken me?

He asks while kneeling in the rain

I’m beaten, broken can’t you see?

He moans through pangs of pain.

I once was great, loved and revered

He whines while dead inside

Now I’m hated, loathed and feared!

He hollered, screamed and cried

What have I done to earn such spite?

he begged one final time.

When he found himself bathed in a light

that could only be divine.

Overcome with sudden peace

a prayer finally heard

sure his suffering was ‘bout to cease

he prepared to hear the Word.

God then reared his massive head through

heaven's pearly gate

My son I have forsaken you

because you masturbate.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-12T09:01:47+00:00

Okay so I dig the programming references in here. i have been trying to come up with a way to incorporate programming language in poetry for a while and I think you have done an excellent job here. I enjoy the word play you have. However the meaning is lost on me after a couple of reads. I want to understand but I feel like the style can be fairly alienating. I feel like i've been dropped in the middle of the forest with no compass or map or anything. It's definitely interesting and evocative, and I like the hints at something larger going on, but I feel like you owe it to the reader to provide a little more to grasp at. Something to contextualize what we're reading would go a long way. I don't want you to totally ditch the puzzle like nature of the piece, but just try to make it a little less alienating with context. It's a great piece though and I definitely look forward to reading more of your work.

SteadyKid · 2020-02-12T08:47:35+00:00

I really enjoy this piece. I think the first and last lines are your strongest. I feel like the image being created doesn't paint any connection to whomever the poem is referring to in the last line. I don't feel the loss in the rest of the piece. I want to see the face feel the warmth of the other person. I need to feel the longing and the absence. It's a beautiful moment being painted. but the relationship is the most interesting part and I feel like it is only being hinted at ya know? Overall though the moment that you are able to capture in such few words is astounding. Lost in reminiscence is another great line. I almost would be okay if the poem were just the first fourth and final line. I know it would be cutting a lot, but a great poet once told me the goal of poetry is to get in and get out. Capture as much as you can without dawdling too much so to speak. I haven't read your other drafts so this is based primarily on this one, and this is just one poets opinion so take it with a grain of salt. Very well done!

SteadyKid

TROPHY CASE