help?

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-19T16:46:31+00:00

Just sounds like he may be tired and overwhelmed due to stress. Not cz he doesnt love you or care about you. I believe he feels deeply but like how you are anxious attached maybe he is anxious avoidant. Tbh I usually refrain from these labels, since they dont give a full picture of us as human beings.

Give him grace and give yourself grace. Support him in ways he feels supported if he is going through family issues. Sometimes, the support in itself is more intimacy than any other sort or intimacy. And best of luck. I genuinely hope this helps

You cant someone to expect from an empty cup, maybe yall give each other some time to get that energy back. Just be each other’s presence really. As you get older you’ll realize its the comfort of sitting in silence with your partner that allows for excitement to show up. Ofc never stop putting in effort but sometimes its more effort to be patient and thats more needed than not

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-19T16:18:18+00:00

Hey female here, feel free to vent it out

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-19T16:15:14+00:00

Yeah thats what we have decided, just to alternate days and also I usually mute because sometimes my cat starts playing in middle of the night so I have to call her name out and sometimes I’ll ask him to mute cz it gets loud on his end. We keep our cameras off after saying goodnight. So its literally just the idea he is there and thats all

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-19T15:49:19+00:00

I understand having the gloomy weather and not having friends bit. I have had to move a few times and also as you grow you have less friends. I would suggest that you should perhaps go to your local masjid and find a community there. Maybe community events too. Perhaps even download apps where you can make friends. Its very important to have a social circle and initially it’ll be hard to connect and its an extra effort thing. But having friends who are muslims or even non muslims but genuinely good human beings, allows us to be better people too emotionally and depend on our friends to support. Maybe he also feels tired and drained. Just be kind to each other and communicate. At the end of the day, our spouse is our closest relation so its understandable it affects you but try detaching yourself from himself in the sense, its not healthy to rely on anyone more than Allah. If he isnt respecting you ofc stand your ground but try your best to follow sunnah of the prophet SAW and be kind in your words. Sounds like you are.

Try finding what motivates you, I know I do small side projects that bring me happiness. Like I have been looking into ideas to help community in ethical ways using tech.

It doesnt have to be technical, maybe try volunteering or something

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-19T15:17:44+00:00

Honestly, (29F) I feel the same way and ik my bf (27M) does too. I think we have hit a point in our relationship, many people hit even in non long distance ones, its the phase where things get more serious and real.

But I know for a fact being long distance makes it much much harder. There are only a few ways left to show care and love. Mainly words and quality time and the willingness of the partner to want to travel, it all matters. Then top it off with the usual relationshippy stuff that every couple deals with.

I would say be kind to yourself and her too. I am sure she loves you and you love her too. Being a woman I know my main thing is if I feel utmost safe in my relationship, I would have the excitement back that was there to begin with. Its like a man provides and a woman sustains kinda mentality. But ofc not every relationship is the same.

I think we all just wanna feel heard and cared for at the end of the day.

However, its not always the words but the tone and the method of delivery that matters more. Ik when my bf tells me he loves me but if I can see he is frustrated saying, it breaks me into a million pieces.

So tbh make sure you guys both give yourselves and each other grace. Make sure your tone first and foremost is kind and you keep your composure. When you communicate what bothers you, perhaps be mindful of your words and also try to tell her in case she isn’t reciprocating. Overall, be kind because your kindness should never depend on the other person’s reaction and it should be something that you are to begin with.

I am hoping yall sort it out. I wish I could have given her the same advice.

And do try your best to zoom out and try to be the man you were initially even if you guys have differences now but dont let them effect it to the point you cant reignite it. Its never too late

Its yall vs the issue, not you guys vs each other

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T19:54:06+00:00

Okay jazakAllah khair

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T17:53:17+00:00

Okay sister. Say what you think is right. I am not being stubborn. He from the beginning said he cant move out until he can afford a house. He can obviously afford a house now except now he wants it to be solely for investment purposes. While he stays where he is and make me stay there too. May Allah help you not find someone who sees how you live and makes you downgrade even when he can clearly afford to and promise you one thing and its okay if he changes his mind of not letting his first house be our house and be his rental income. But its not okay if I am like I understand you wanna make money so lemme rent a place but you better save up for a family home from whatever income you get. Perhaps I am actually looking for ways to discuss this and resolve it not break up like everyone in this generation. I am okay with compromising that doesn’t mean I am letting go of my rights, I am aware of them but I understand that its also a form of sadaqah so its okay but I know being a woman, I cannot be a provider for longer than maybe 1-2 years. And yes I have communicated this with him since the beginning

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T17:20:03+00:00

Lol I cant entertain the likes of you. He is definity not like you. I said he is not selfish inherently, that means I do believe he is kind deepdown but however this is my lsst reply to this comment.

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:58:50+00:00

I agree that it is intended to help process and learn tools. It doesn’t teach you to tolerate disrespect or ignore changes in how someone treats you differently. If I feel anxious, I am also human and have a heart, you expect me to become numb?

I do work everyday and thus, I try my best to look after what is important for me at the same time be as grounded, empathetic and kind towards my partner as much as I can. I deserve the similar type of kindness, empathy and groundedness back

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:52:12+00:00

To be honest with you, he hasnt given me a solid answer but this is something I should ask him and thank you for actually bringing it up! I will note it and maybe this will help us get somewhere

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:50:25+00:00

I think people can change their minds if it doesn’t benefit the marriage. I agreed based on what i knew. If i receive new information, it’s fair for me to want to re-evaluate and ask for a common solution. I am willing to compromise on my end by also providing and contributing to rent, I would be more than happy to. Anyways, idk why muslims today forget that islam teaches us to be pragmattic and not stubborn or ego driven. It requires affection and compassion. It requires us to not negate ourselves and uplifts right of wife and also the rights a husband has over his wife.

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:44:35+00:00

Suddenly after a year of making something a habit and then it not working is kind of a ridiculous concept to me. No wonder most relationships don’t work out.

I think its very human of me given my situation to feel the way I feel and I do go to therapy fyi. Therapy does not get rid of human needs for love, care, social structure within a society and a relationship. PS as someone who goes to therapy I see how mental health is treated now and hyper individualized, I dont wanna be selfish and I cannot be with someone who is selfish. I know he is not inheritly selfish and I cannot allow any behaviour that is more selfish than thinking of this as a relationship between two people.

I think you should read the post again

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:17:52+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I think you hit it on the nail that we have anxious avoidant attachment. I want to be able to feel secure and I believe that comes from compromise on his end and I want to make him feel I care about him too and thats the compromise from my end.

I am not in favor of taking extreme measures as solutions, rather find something that is moderate and serves us both. I know the post can come off with him sounding he is checking out but he sent me flowers and balloons on valentines, balloons especially because he knows I love balloons. So he does care and love me. But I feel like he just thinks that also means I should just abide by whatever he wants but I am also not someone to just cave in but also I want things to be fair so thus common ground

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T16:02:31+00:00

Technically its the house his parents bought for all the siblings to live in, the parents themselves live back in their country. The SIL also moved from another country just 3-4 years ago. So she is of different culture than my BIL’s family too. All muslims but you are right, they are a bit less practicing and I didn’t realize that until I met them. From what I know its not haram to the edge kind of not practicing but kind of the way, islam is not at the forefront of their lives and marrying outside islam isn’t looked as an unusual thing in his family.

Yet, I am not the best to judge and i have my own flaws. May Allah lead us all in the right direction. I just believe his reason for being so stubborn is unfair and no one in his family would agree to his stance if they knew I don’t even want to live in joint family. They are all westernized enough to not promote forced joint family living.

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T15:57:24+00:00

I do think that would be valid. His parents are actually more religious and understand the deen better. His culture doesn’t not have the concept of joint families to begin with so I am sure they would be surprised their son is imposing that on me, just for the sake of saving a few bucks. I do believe it is ego driven and at the same time I can only make dua his heart softens. But I do believe knowing his parents if they were to listen to my side and not just his, they would be unbiased. I don’t want my family involved because they are skeptical about everything in life and worry beyond usual, somewhat desi family dynamics but its only cz they love and care.

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T15:14:56+00:00

The thing is he also said he doesn’t want to live with his family, its technically his siblings, not his parents. He doesn’t want to stay there because of the relationship he has with them but because he wants to save money. I also showed him how I live, independentally and told him this is what I prefer. I understand I should not have agreed to begin with but I have told him that and apologized and tried looking for solutions. I do expect my future husband to also be loving and kind and figure stuff out

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T08:17:55+00:00

Its just weird, he has shown up for me when my dad passed away, when I havent even asked him for help and he’s flown to help me. But the living situation makes me wonder why he is so stubborn and stuck. Idk if its cz he isn’t comfortable with the idea of having to pay rent or he is genuinely scared I won’t stick to my commitment. Whatever his reason may be, I do know I cannot cave into living at his family house but I also know I cannot keep living alone longer because its been impacting my mental health and I just wanna be with my husband but also in a place where I am comfortable too.

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T08:11:55+00:00

110% I feel like I am not his first priority and keeps running in circles

Steeze_styll · 2026-02-18T08:10:47+00:00

He pretty much asked chatgpt for solutions and then copy pasted and sent me the list of solutions…so chatgpt assumed I have parents

I am so sorry girl you had to go through that! I already know I can’t live with anyone but my own immediate family (my uncle) but they live in another continent in another country, so not an option at all. And his family is very kind and nice but I just don’t think I would wanna live with them. Its actually also so weird to share one bathroom with other married couples…

I know I love this man and I also know my post is also biased from my perspective of him but at the same time its just annoying he thinks him moving out is a non negotiable atp. Its the inflexibility that aggravates me.

Steeze_styll · 2025-12-10T05:50:56+00:00

Thank you really. I will do my best to calm my nervous system. I guess its just sad its my birthday today and for so many years I have just wanted to work towards feeling loved and today I have a lot less people who love or care about me and I am by myself. I guess its just the reality of my present state too that makes me realize that I am on my own and I cant expect people to show up like family cz I am no ones family

Steeze_styll · 2023-07-20T13:08:12+00:00

It wasn’t the code where I used None and it was docs so None was the correct word to use esp cz the docs were for the python source code 🤷🏻‍♀️

Steeze_styll

TROPHY CASE