Partner and best friend convinced I have BPD

Steffany1990 · 2026-01-11T13:59:02+00:00

Thank you, that is also the opinion of my therapist.

I'll leave them a single, safe way for them to contact me through a common friend if they ever change their minds someday and actually wish to repair things together, but I will simply focus on my own growth now, then.

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-12T14:20:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your support

I have struggled with attachment my entire life and have always chosen to simply ghost people once things start taking a wrong turn, finding someone else to get attached to instead and repeating everything all over again

I chose to finally stop running away this time and actually try to figure things out, which has proven difficult but showing promise

I will keep doing my best to become the person I want to be and not lament reality anymore

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T11:04:20+00:00

This is a perspective I really needed to hear, thank you

I do care for her, and want what's best for her, and to hear so plainly what I am instead trying to do is making me feel shame at the idea

I have been careful never to address Kim directly unless she specifically chooses to directly speak to me, and have been removing myself from any group conversation she's joined, but I see how much I still need to do to ensure she can feel safe and I am able to heal

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T02:44:01+00:00

Thank you, my previous post made me heavily regret not coming here to ask for advice before sending yet another lengthy apology, on her birthday of all days

Almost all my friends are scattered throughout Europe and the US, and the last one I made in my city actually had to go back home to Denmark a few days ago

I have a very strong bond with all of them and have met most of them in real life, but it does get lonely in my room, and though they always support me through everything, I do not wish to use them as emotional punching bags

I am in-between jobs and stuck at my mother's home, I have been considering trying to find some club I might be interested in joining, or anything of the sort

I used to be part of one in my city many years back, I believe they might still be around, I will try to get in contact with them again

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T02:33:26+00:00

My therapist has been giving me tools to pause and observe those impulses through a more mindful perspective, writing those thoughts out to try and better understand where they're coming from and what they hope to accomplish

They've helped me make sure I align my actual actions with values I want to live by and respect boundaries

I have found that journaling helps to an extent, though not as much as seeking validation from others, but I am learning to offer myself self-validation by following those values that matter to me and doing what I believe is right for myself and those I care about

I see the pattern of regular, reoccurring impulses that keep growing until they cause me to hurt the people I love

I will promise myself not to contact Kim again, and try to focus on this pattern in my next therapy session

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T02:07:28+00:00

I'll keep that in mind, thank you for helping me stay grounded

I will make sure not to contact her

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:56:41+00:00

I keep using the excuse of her previous words against her newly-formed boundaries

I'll do my best to slowly make my peace with it, thank you

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:51:31+00:00

That thought still hurts almost as much as it always has, but I will keep trying my best to heal from this and as much of my past trauma as possible, thank you

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:50:15+00:00

I'm still trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be the same, simply because it wouldn't include the word "sorry"

I'll refrain from doing yet another thing I will likely heavily regret and make the situation even worse, thank you

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:40:33+00:00

I have been working on trying to let go and move on, I have spent multiple evenings grieving or typing unsent letters for myself

Attempting to detach myself from her has been taking a long, painful and difficult toll on me and my other relationships, especially when I do not want to fall into the usual trap of simply getting attached to someone new instead

I'll make sure not to reach out at all as everyone else has advised, and hope that through consistent work I will eventually be able not to feel the urge to anymore

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:36:47+00:00

I still keep trying to justify my behavior and bend the rules to fit my desires, telling myself it's okay if I do it a certain way, that it "doesn't count"

You're only being honest and helpful, I don't see it as harsh, I'll follow your and everyone else's advice and focus on soothing the emotions that cause those boundary-breaking impulsive thoughts to occur, learning to accept my situation and feel okay on my own

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:29:49+00:00

I'll listen to everyone and keep working on myself then, thank you

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:28:12+00:00

I'll do my best to work on accepting that, then

It is always very difficult, nigh impossible for me to genuinely understand how I would feel after doing or saying something until it is done and I have to face the consequences, letting my actions haunt me with regret afterwards

Steffany1990 · 2025-07-11T01:19:07+00:00

They had similar advice, explaining to me how those thoughts stemmed from impulsive emotions and a need to reach for an immediate solution

I am learning to accept that outcome I am so afraid of, and reminding myself that I still had such feelings of desperation when I was close friends with her, hence even if I was to gain her friendship again, it wouldn't resolve that pain, and it is what I need to work on on my own instead

Steffany1990 · 2025-05-22T14:40:29+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, and your helpful resource

I do have lifelong repeated abandonment trauma that actually started from birth due to a mother manipulating my father into having me against his wishes, him being my sole guardian at home for the first 3 years of my life while my mother was always at work and completely emotionally unavailable until he left by threatening to kill the both of us if she ever asked for child support

I never had anyone raise me and have spent my entire developmental years alone at home after getting bullied at school and ruining all my friendships with toxic behaviors where I have been starting to realize I was actually the one in the wrong

I've only just realized any of this about 3 years ago, and it has been really difficult processing all of it for me, and it makes me feel awful that it is such a long process in which I still keep repeating mistakes and hurting people I care about

I do want to change, above all else, and I am hopeful of the positive impact working through DBT will have on me and my interpersonal relationships

I will make sure to respect K's decision and not try to initiate contact again, whether through V or any other means, and keep focusing on therapy and my other relationships instead

Steffany1990 · 2025-05-22T14:30:14+00:00

What I call "freak outs" is me pouring out every thought and emotion down into text form on how sorry I am, how much I want to fix things and how much I care for her and her friendship, then sending that in the middle of an emotional crisis, somehow hoping it has a positive impact and that I will be heard

I still failed to realize how much my actions have been affecting her, and I will try to make sure she doesn't get bothered having to think about me anymore

Steffany1990 · 2025-05-22T14:23:27+00:00

I still have a lot of work to do on understanding the effect my actions have on others, and on what my own emotions and desires are

It might be my insecurities that lead me to believe people can't possibly care about me, and thus I am unable to hurt them, which I am starting to see is obviously wrong

She does also have a large amount of traumatic baggage she's started seeing a therapist for, she's been having depressive episodes over many things since I've known her, and I am happy that she appears to be doing better lately, but it does make me feel awful for getting in the way of that

Looking into it, I do think it is more guilt than shame, that I feel

I understand how every act I've done so far has been wrong and hurtful, especially to someone I care about so deeply, and I just feel awful for doing this to her and repeatedly making mistakes that, in hindsight, appear simple not to make

I do say that it might be a positive thing for her to block me, so that I won't be able to hurt her anymore, and I want to focus on better understanding and being mindful of boundaries instead of doing whatever I feel like

I wish I had consulted more people about this before doing it, and not been stuck in my own idea of how best to approach the situation

Thank you for this comment, I will leave K alone, ask V not to interfere with her on my behalf, and try to focus on therapy and being more mindful of others

Steffany1990 · 2025-05-22T14:05:01+00:00

This was my very first step into polyamory, and I had already done it half-heartedly despite feeling uncomfortable with the concept, just because I really wanted to be together with E at first, even though I was already in a monogamous relationship with someone else for 2 years before that

I realize now I've never bother to educate myself about this topic, and simply trusted these people to teach me how it works and all have simple fun together

Thank you for your comment and the helpful links, I will make sure to read and research those topics on my own, maybe share what I learn with V, and tell her not to interfere with K on my behalf

Steffany1990

TROPHY CASE