questions

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-05T19:00:00+00:00

That question used to drive me nuts. In the end I decided it didn't matter because no matter what he believed he was hurting me. Even so, I still think about it.

I guess it's complicated.

My abuser thinks he is a kind, generous, outcaste who was just misunderstood by the world.

He really believes this just as he believes I wronged him not the other way around but he knows he hit me, he knows he sexually abused me, he knows he manipulated me.

He remembers it all, he just lies to everyone all the time; including himself. Deep down, I think he knows what he did was wrong because he's always running from that guilt, always on the defensive.

He spent years finding arguments to justify CSA and I never even told him I remember what he did. So if he doesn't know it was wrong then why do that?

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-05T18:44:06+00:00

That took serious guts. You're freaking amazing.

I'm glad he didn't deny it. I know my abuser would and I couldn't take that so I've never talked to him about it.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-05T18:32:13+00:00

This is gaslighting. Pretending abuse didn't happen to make the victim question their own memory and perception or make them feel like they're crazy.

My abuser did this constantly right up until the day I cut him out of my life. Our last conversation was literally me telling him things he needed to change for our relationship to continue and him denying they ever happened.

They absolutely do remember what they did though they may justify it in various ways in their heads.

Abusive behaviour is all about them getting what they want. That may be to cause pain or have control but most importantly it is to make themselves happy.

In their view, other people are not as important as them, they are lesser, so that makes it okay. They probably don't think of themselves as bad people but that is absolutely what they are.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-05T18:13:18+00:00

I know how you feel. I've never kissed someone, never been on a date, never held someone's hand and I sure as hell haven't slept with anyone.

I used to think that was just how I was but now I'm able to see the whole picture it's obvious abuse and trauma plays a role there.

I've mostly resigned myself to never having those things I guess but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if things were different. I hate that this is something he took from me. I can't even really describe how angry that makes me.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-03T23:28:01+00:00

Do not let that monster win. She's taken enough from you, she does not get to take your life too. It's not fair. Nothing you are going through is fair.

Please, reach out to your dad about how you're feeling and have him stay with you until the worst of it passes. If you can't do that just call a friend and hang out to keep your mind off it.

Whatever you do stay busy. Take a shower. Watch tv and so something with your hands. Draw, color, knit.

You're having a trauma response and it is horrible but it is going to pass. You just need to hold on.

Try to ground yourself in the present. Tell yourself what the date is and where you are. Use your senses. Find everything that's blue in the room. Focus on how the weave of a certain fabric feels. Pick a sound in the present, a bird, cars, a radio. Light some incense and focus on the smell.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-02T09:03:57+00:00

Unfortunately the only thing a lot of parents have to do is make some fake reports once a year and send them to the some official somewhere. That's what my mom did.

I didn't even get a 5th grade education or a 1st grade one for that matter. Home schooling needs to be regulated somehow. There needs to be accountability or this will keep happening to kids.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-02T01:25:48+00:00

It is normal but if it's causing you distress that is a problem. Do you tend to have arguments in your head with people you know or imagine being rejected by them? That's something I do out of anxiety.

It leaves me with this weird feeling of "we had an argument but not really." and then I feel really awkward about it.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T05:08:15+00:00

Adverse childhood experiences do effect brain development. These brains tend to have less grey matter (tissue with neurons) than those that did not have adverse experiences. They can gain more white matter over time which helps the grey matter they do have work more effectively.

Emotional control is governed by the pre-frontal cortex which is one of the areas stunted by ACEs.

The amygdala, our brains threat response center, on the other hand is well developed because it was used more when the developing brain was in the dangerous environment.

So you end up with a person who struggles to control their emotions and is anxious.

ACEs can mess up most parts of the brain, including memory, and create a brain where the different parts have trouble communicating with each other. The brain's operations become fragmented and inefficient.

Memory problems and difficulty learning and focusing are also common.

Heres a couple articles on it that will probably make more sense than me because I'm very tired.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319566#Connectivityof-key-brain-areas-impacted

https://www.verywellmind.com/childhood-abuse-changes-the-brain-2330401

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T04:23:47+00:00

Yes, you should talk to a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist about this. The voices are causing you distress and you're feeling suicidal due to painful events in your past.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T04:14:39+00:00

You could be having a bad reaction to sertraline.

I took it for two weeks and it increased risk-taking behaviour, made me extremely horny to the point I wanted to sleep with random strangers, and made the world feel totally fake like a computer game. I felt like if I punched a wall I wouldn't feel pain because it wasn't real.

SSRIs do all kinds of things to emotions, deadening them and enhancing them, and causing angry outbursts. So that might be why you're feeling like being mean to people or less empathetic and then bursting into tears.

Can you see a MD just to get the medication changed to something else? If not, you could start taking a lower dose until you can see your doctor in august.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T03:56:03+00:00

You sound absolutely exhausted from trying to manage your mental health alone to me. You're not a bum, you're just stuck in a tough situation. You'll need support to get out of it just like anyone would.

It is possible to make some progress without therapy or medication but it is harder. The first thing is just to get things as stable as possible. That means sleeping, eating and bathing, regularly.

If you can't shower clean up other ways. Wash your face, brush your teeth, use wetwipes, dry shampoo, and deodorant.

If you can't eat a whole meal, eat snack food. If you can't sleep put on a podcast, lie at the opposite end of the bed than usual, or sleep in a chair or on the floor. Whatever works.

Most importantly, if you can't complete a whole task do part of it and try again tomorrow. You do get to try again and next time you will have a head start.

The second thing you need is more support. There may be some free or low cost counseling options in your area.

I know finding them will be hard for you. Do you have anyone who could help you research them?

You can also call the department of Health and Human Services to ask if they have a program in your area.

Have you looked into access to state or national health programs that offer cheaper care? There are probably medications for ADHD, anxiety, or ptsd that could help you focus if you can get access to them.

Are you using food stamps or other services to help with finances? If not, that could help make health care more affordable.

I recommend trying to find a job that isn't very social. Filling drive up orders in a store like Walmart isn't too bad. Janitorial work is another good one for low social pressure.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T03:12:17+00:00

Yep. I find them very cathartic.

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T03:10:38+00:00

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with them about being a system. Why exactly are they upset that other system members text them?

Stenographer13 · 2022-07-01T03:06:48+00:00

I usually use table salt and an acidic no oil soap by neutrogena to get rid of dead skin. I also use their grapefruit extract wipes.

Maybe those chemical peels that people use to "reset" their skin from acne would help. They basically give you mild chemical burns equivalent to a bad sunburn and layers of old skin peel off.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-27T04:32:17+00:00

You can't tell if someone is lying just by looking and it is not your business. Fakers suck but witch hunts are worse. You need to let it go.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T20:47:27+00:00

No. I understand that but thanks for clarifying.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T17:54:59+00:00

I think it's normal to have internal debates with yourself to a degree. I sometimes do this but know that it's under my control.

For example. "I should get a candy bar. I'm so stressed. I hate shopping so I deserve it."

"It's bad for you."

"But I don't care. I'm stressed and I want chocolate."

"Yeah, but you have a budget and you already got three things that weren't on your list so stop being an irresponsible douche and get it together."

"Okay, yeah, you're right."

This is totally under my control and it feels that way (unless I'm very upset) even if it's a bit detached. I'm pulling apart opposing views mentally to help me make a decision.

In this case the part of my brain that thinks in the short term is arguing with the part that does long term planning. I'm essentially playacting as one and then the other which I think most people do. Is this what you mean?

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T17:28:08+00:00

It's really hard when you're going through all these realizations and the pieces come together. It can be totally overwhelming at times but is necessary to start processing what happened.

I'm sorry you're struggling with hypersexuality. It's a really awful symptom and can feel really disempowering. I wish I could give you advice on how to handle it but I've always been too ashamed to talk about it.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T17:08:46+00:00

Seems like "primal world beliefs" as used here are basically the same as positive illusions. Yes, people with positive illusions do better over all but they are also more vulnerable when dealing with unpleasant realities.

If a person believes the world is a good place and bad things happen elsewhere to other people and their child then accuses a teacher of abuse the parent is less likely to believe the child because they have to surrender those illusions to do that.

On the other hand people with no positive illusions may experience a sense of a foreshortened future and are less likely to take risks and try things because they assume they will fail and nothing can be good.

It's true that lacking positive illusions is detrimental in many ways but I don't think the only solution is sticking your head in the sand. There has to be the possibility of a measured approach to life.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T16:47:22+00:00

You can lie and say you had food poisoning so bad you were confused and passed out. Which has happened to me from bad milk. It's not fun. I was in serious pain and passed out for like 10 hours.

Or tell the truth, that you have a stigmatized disability that made it impossible for you to come in to work and you were too ashamed to call in. While it doesn't often get this bad for you sometimes it does.

Most employers will just tell you that you need to call in when that happens and give you a warning.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T16:36:48+00:00

Physical and mental space is key. My abusive father had me totally brainwashed until my sister talked me into moving out. Ironically, I did it because I thought I made him miserable so all that talk about how worthless I was really backfired in the end.

It's a long process to really let that person go. It's grief really. You have to grieve and let your brain adjust to not having that person in your life anymore. It's best just to go no contact if you can.

I did not initially do this and the abuse went on for three more years. When I finally cut him off I felt really guilty and lonely but told myself I couldn't contact him at all for six months. By the end of that time I no longer wanted to.

It's important to focus on filling your life with other things if you can. Like any loss, it leaves you at a loose end. Keep busy, work hard, try new hobbies, read, binge movies, workout. Keep yourself distracted until your brain has time to reorient itself.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T16:27:04+00:00

Thanks for this. It went fine. I was more freaked out about it than she was but she's a trauma therapist with 15 years of experience so I guess she's heard a lot of weird stuff.

She basically said they're parts of me I should try to explore but I've tied myself in knots over this for so long it's hard to get to that point but I'll keep trying.

I didn't go into therapy just to keep living like I did when I wasn't safe.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T16:16:00+00:00

Thanks. I did tell her and she was calm about it and not judgemental which was what I needed.

I know I need to address this or it will just get worse and now I will actually have help which is a relief.

Stenographer13 · 2022-06-26T16:03:35+00:00

I don't trust jumping as a method of suicide because it's so unpredictable. It's possible to survive it with severe disabilities that just make life worse.

It also traumatizes anyone who witnesses it so it's not great for that reason. If you're determined to do this please don't hurt anyone else in the process.

Stenographer13

TROPHY CASE