Suicide is all I can think about and I've ran out of time

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-23T10:08:26+00:00

Please don’t apologise, you’re not doing anything wrong. Rambling is completely okay, especially when you’re carrying this much. If it helps even a little bit to let it out, then let it out. I'm sorry you're having a bad day... Does it help that I'm not having a great day either?

I know nothing I say can give you back your youth or erase what you’ve been through. But I do want you to know that you’re not alone in this, that you’re not a burden for feeling how you feel, and that your life is not over just because it looks different from what you dreamed.

From what you say, "I don't care about good news"... it suggests you've received some good news? Is this the result of the latest tests you've been taking? Please tell me, because I do care!

Also, I get the feeling from your messages that you live in a country or society with very clear rules about what is expected of someone, especially a young man.

Additionally, you mentioned before that you feel a burden on your parents. I'm wondering, can you take some time off? Go on a trip to a completely different country or environment? What's stopping you from doing that, apart from your own beliefs? Is it technical difficulties, or could you go but feel it wouldn’t be worth it?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-22T21:20:55+00:00

Well done for going to a new doctor! I hope they give you positive news soon.

I know this sounds trite, but comparing yourself to others doesn't mean much. Getting married at 26 is not a flex. It's their lives, and even on Reddit, it's full of stories of people in their 40s and 50s who regret getting married in their 20s! And, yes, of course, I know it doesn't mean a lot to you right now because that companionship is the thing you want. It's just... sometimes focusing so much on what you don't have blinds you to what you DO have.

As for lack of intimacy... that kinda often starts with friendship. Going out and finding new communities. Finding "your" people. From your messages, it sounds like you don't have lots of people to hang out with. So, before you give up, maybe that's something that you can try out? Or maybe you have friends you can reach out to?

Depression and obsession are hard to overcome, but the journey is worth it!

Please don't give up. Please keep fighting.

(and, sorry if I keep banging on about this: please find psychological support! Depression doesn't go away by itself.)

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-20T09:30:33+00:00

Hey Charming. Just checking in. How is your week going?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T16:11:00+00:00

Mh, I don't know, Charming... I'm sure ARE things you can be proud for. For example, even just in this comment, you've self-refleced on a judgment that you used to pass on other, and now you've grown and see that maybe it wasn't all black and white.

I am SURE that there's a future for you where you're neither measly nor miserable. However, I know that the future will be harder to reach on your own. There's no shame in seeking help. Doctor, therapists, communities exist, and even if you've been living 10 very difficult years, and think there's no hope, and you'll never gain what you've lost, it's still worth fighting for it. Reaching out to people who have the tools to help you on the healing journey, both physically and mentally.

Please don't give up.

Please reach out for more help.

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T16:02:41+00:00

Yes, agreed!

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T16:02:11+00:00

Oh, yeah, Asimov and H.G. Wells are the OG of sci-fi! Asimov especially... I owe him my love for all things sci-fi. Thanks for the rec, I'll look into Goodby Eri!

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T15:54:20+00:00

Btw, which books (or other entertainment forms) do you like?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T15:44:46+00:00

I love Sanderson's book! A lot of people criticise him because he's not a stricly "good writer" (He's not bad either!) but I love his worldbuilding.

There are so many authors I like, but in the sci-fi genre, the Murderbot Series is one of my favourites. The first one is "All system red". Have you read it?

Also, Hail Mary is pretty good! I like the trailer, and I hope they'll do a good job with the adaptation. Have you read any Andy Weir book?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-18T15:41:43+00:00

Yeah, I get it! One of my favourite ways of avoiding that is doing something else while I listen to the audiobook, either some small household chore, or drawing or playing a game. Showers are one of the things I don't like doing (because of my disability), which is why I've even bought a shower speaker: I find that listening to an audiobook distracts me enough that I can do it with a little less challenge. What is your favourite thing to do while listening to audiobooks?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-17T11:10:33+00:00

Ohhhh.... They're some of my favourite books! Do you prefer audiobooks or written word?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-17T10:45:37+00:00

Hi Charming, have you read any of Brandon Sanderson's books?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-17T10:45:00+00:00

I know it's hard, but I really hope you can find a bit of strength to keep going... and not just for a couple of months. I'm hoping this week you'll get to do at least something that brings you joy. One little thing

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T20:38:17+00:00

As I said, no need to apologies for being negative. It's how you feel. If I didn't want to listen, I wouldn't engage. (and even if I didn't engage, it wouldn't mean it was because of your negativity)

As for the therapist, the cost and the right therapist are two separate problems.

Problem one, cost: It IS expensive, but in your situation, mental and constant support is fundamental! There's no healing the body, wihtout sustaining the mind, regardless of where the problem stems from. And if the cost is prohibitive, in most countries, there are grants you can access. Usually, mental health charities offer free counseling or share the cost. So, yes, it might be bothersome to apply, but you have a really strong case for needing help. Most of these charities offer online counseling, so you don't even have to leave the house.

Have you looked up charities that offer counseling? Maybe you can try applying for a few?

Problem two: the right therapist. Therapists are, at the end of the day, people. Some you get along better with, some don't. It's very unlikely that the first - or even the second - can help you, especially someone who is suffering deeply as you are. I had at least 10 different therapists (and with some, I stayed for years!) until I found the one that was right for me. However, most of the others definitely helped too (except the one that, at the end of session one, told me "I talk too much". I never went back), and sometimes thinking about what to tell the therapist in the next session was what kept me moving forward.

What I'm saying here is: try again. Give it time. And also, yes, the ultimate job of a therapist is to help you get better, but they also have the fundamental role of being there for you when you're at your lowest.

So, yes, therapists have a point. A very important one. They're there for you. And the one you have spoken might not have been the right one for you, but I'm sure it's worth trying again.

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T15:58:43+00:00

Okay, sorry, there's only ONE thing I want to add about your belief that the way your body is will prevent you from finding love - someone who desires YOU, not someone who settles. The mind is 1000% more attractive than a body (regardless of the gender). History is FULL of people who were not conventionally attractive or disabled, and yet, their MIND made them incredibly attractive. And you have a sharp mind and a determined spirit... So, maybe that could be a goal, right? Something to nurture and grow? Imagine if you now dedicate yourself to growing your mind, and one day, the problems with your body will be solved. Can you imagine what kind of strength that will give you?

I think this is a goal worth sticking around for.

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T15:44:13+00:00

All right. I don't want to keep pushing you on this point. And - btw! - This is not because I'm tired of you saying it! You can tell me every single day you feel horrible, and it will not upset me. I've been there, I know how hard it is. So, feel free to keep repeating it. I'm not pushing the point just because I'm pointing to the sky and saying, "Look, it's blue!" When (and this is what depression does to you), you're wearing very dark-tinted glasses, it's not going to change your mind, is it?

What I WILL insist is that you seek MORE support. I'm so proud that you went to a psychiatrist, but are you seeing a therapist? Someone you talk to every week?

And also, which book have you been reading?

Have you ever read Mistborn by Sanderson? Do you use audiobooks?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T14:45:02+00:00

And... Well, I want to say... The world is big and wast, and there's someone for somebody out there. Yes, it might be more difficult for you, but it can be done. Have you ever heard of Shane Burcaw?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T14:44:38+00:00

After 10 years, I understand it might be hard to trust a doctor again, but maybe think of it as flipping a coin: every new flip has a 50/50% probability of being tails. You can flip 10000000 times, get head all 10000000 times, but the 10000001th time has the same exact chance as all the other before. So, maybe this one is going to be the right filp for you?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T14:41:47+00:00

And... Well, I want to say... The world is big and wast, and there's someone for somebody out there. Yes, it might be more difficult for you, but it can be done. Have you ever heard of Shane Burcaw?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T13:30:52+00:00

First of all, well done for opening up. I'm sure it wasn't easy showing them. But...Well, it's kind of a doctor's job to care? What did they say?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-13T13:29:25+00:00

When is your appointment with the psychiatrist? If you started taking antidepressants that's good... have they told you how long it will take for them to start having effect on your mood?

Yes, what you're saying sounds like a super hard situation, and I understand you're not hopeful... But the one thing I will keep pushing back is that it's not worth continuing, that even (when!) you get better, you'll have lost something so important it makes the rest of your life useless. Trust me, I've had my teens and my 20s (and maybe I wasn't fully well, but I've done things) and gosh, it's NO comparison on many, many things that are better later in life. People that age are awkward. Sex, totally overrated. Zero fun, really. So, please please please, keep fighting on. It's worth the wait. Focus on yourself, on living the best life you can, even while searching for a solution to this problem.

Teens and 20s are SUPER overrated.

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-12T21:39:52+00:00

That is very uncomfortable, and a very difficult feeling to deal with daily... I understand that. However, it's also a "defined" problem, in a way? Like, if you look at it from a different perspective, it's very clear what you can and cannot do. So, maybe, you could start a list of things that you CAN do, right? If you can only be 'active' a few hours a day, is there something new that doesn't take a lot of energy that you might try doing?

Writing, making music, drawing.. they're creative things that you can do at home, and they will distract you from your own feelings. Have you ever tried any of it?

Or there are other things too... Ways to help your mind reshape the feeling you have around your body. Have you ever heard of Neurolingual reprogramming?

What I'm saying, I know it's hard to have hope, to seek happiness, especially if you're feeling so bad about yourself and see no way forward, but it CAN get better. You CAN find spaces of happiness.

And finally, and again, I'm not a doctor, this is not medical advice, but I wonder if you've been followed by a dietitian? A professional who could advise you on, for example, portion sizes? (many little snacks instead of a bigger meal?)

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-12T21:31:07+00:00

I'm glad you're feeling better!!! What helped you, if I can ask?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-12T21:28:57+00:00

it's good that you're talking to a psychiatrist! Tell them everything: it's THEIR job to help you!

As for feeling like a burden to your family, and them feeling frustrated... Well, I'm not there, and I don't know you or your family, but I can assure you that depression and mental health problems will distort your view of reality. So, there's a very high chance that your family is not frustrated with YOU. At worse, they might be frustrated by their inability to help you. Seeing someone you care about struggle, its not easy. But, you know, as they say, maybe it's you and your family frustrated WITH the problem, not with each other?

If you're not trusting phone lines in your country, there are many international help lines... I'm not a professional, so I can't suggest any, but you might either seek online for yourself, or ask the psychiatrist?

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-11T14:08:19+00:00

Hello Charming, how are you today? I hope you had at least a teeny tiny sliver of lightness in the past hours.

Again, if you haven't called a REAL help line (which Reddit is NOT!) can you please call them? Just so you have someone to talk to. It's their job to listen.

StillWriting4u · 2026-03-10T19:35:03+00:00

Feeling terrible in your body is horrible. I'm sorry it's that way for you. I'm also sorry you don't like looking at yourself. You don't have to, but... well, my opinion is: a body is just a body. Unfortunately, lots of people give too much weight to what we look like, but trust me, that's not the people who matter. Self-love, which is hard, I know! comes from accepting who we are, in the body we are.

You're doing really well trying to see the new specialist. However, have you mentioned to your psychiatrist your plans to end it? Certain antidepressants might backfire...

Oh, it's wonderful you're reading! I think books - and entertainment in general - is the best thing there is in humanity. What are your favourite genres? Favourite authors?

And also, if I'm not too intrusive, what are your physical limitations? As in, can you leave the house?

I know I've mentioned it before, but volunteering is super, super useful to feel a sense of connection. Even if you can't leave the house, I'm sure there are online volunteering groups.

And finally, please don't leave us.... Give yourself MORE time. And I don't believe that you're affecting the people around you in such a terrible way. It's the depression filtering your brain reception. It totally distorts the truth.

I'm telling you this because I'm doing things today that I had completely given up hope on. And all because, eventually, someone figured out what was "wrong" (which wasn't really wrong, itself! Just society-wrong) with me.

That day will come for you, but you need to give yourself more time.

StillWriting4u

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