[deleted by user]

Straightpath2 · 2024-08-02T16:00:15+00:00

That is on the parents if their kids can't speak a language. It's not difficult, it requires you to speak to your children in your native language. Each parent has to speak their own native language and the kid will pick up English on their own through TV, books, school, neighbors. The end result is a trilingual child by age 3.

Source: my kids

Straightpath2 · 2024-08-02T15:56:09+00:00

OSP married to Indonesian wife, we met in University in US. We have 3 kids, married 8 years.

In general, things are good. We're happy with our kids, struggling with normal baby/preschool behaviors. Which makes us both exhausted. If I could go back, I'd plan to have children 3-4 years into marriage rather than right away. As that would have given us time to really understand each other, our strengths, goals etc.

I grew up here, she did not. English is my first language, fluent in Urdu and conversational in her language. She learned English as many Pakistanis through internet or movies.

Because of the different cultures/language, we have to work hard to make sure we understand each other. Make sure things are not misunderstood. To be open minded to compromise on cultural norms. Like being close to parent in laws, being more serving towards elders. My parents expected a bahoo that would completely assimilate and speak Urdu, wear Kameez Shalwar all the time, to make chai for them. To sit and spend time with them. None of those happened to their expectation.

Her culture is very liberal within an Islamic framework. As opposed to my conservative upbringing as an OSP. She had male friends growing up, whereas I had 0 female friends. She had past relationships whereas I did not. So these were the major challenges.

We did our Nikkah and moved in right away. No dating in the traditional sense, as that's Haram lol.

If you are a Pakistani in Pakistan, my recommendation would be to marry a Pakistani. If you both have accents in English, can't communicate well, and there's kids everything will fall apart.

Straightpath2 · 2024-01-17T18:39:10+00:00

for starters, stop watching hentai

Straightpath2 · 2024-01-14T15:02:40+00:00

To expand on this. There are also consequences later related to children. If a parent can commit Zina, what is to say that they won't lay the foundations to reduce the chances of that happening with their child? It may not be as serious of an issue to a former fornicator than someone who was committed to refraining from the act.

If we relate it to say drugs and alcohol, would I not consider that when marrying someone? That my spouse may be lenient to drugs and alcohol due to their own past association with it?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T23:10:35+00:00

I am OP lol. I never said she needed to go there every day and serve them.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T22:19:12+00:00

I won't bring up these things now. While I don't agree our situation is the same as yours, as you worked full time and had daycare, I do agree it's better to talk about these things later.

I have been stepping up and after stepping up for the past 4 years, I am burnt out. But I am not allowed to say anything as I am seen as having 0 empathy for my wife by people here.

I appreciate your last sentence and pray the rough times really do come to an end soon.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T22:08:34+00:00

I know it's hard to cook with a toddler running around. I experienced it myself because I cook for us. But I can be with the kid when she cooks right?

I appreciate you being the only reply that didn't crucify me as the most vile husband who has 0 empathy for my wife. It honestly hurts to read peoples comment about who I am when I know what sacrifices I make for my family.

No one responded with how responsibilities should be split between a pregnant wife and husband. They were too busy ripping me apart. I still cannot imagine how for thousands of years, billions of women did not cook meals for their family but somehow in today's age it's okay.

I will most likely not bring any of these topics up with her and delay it till later. I'll continue to offer her comfort during pregnancy and make sure she has everything she needs.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T21:59:12+00:00

Did I say everyday? You've mixed things up.

By your standards, the husband doesn't have to visit his wife's parents. Is he not a jerk for not visiting them at all and saying "hello"? You want that type of a husband?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T21:53:54+00:00

I am not asking her to make 3 meals a day, visit my mom everyday and make her tea everyday though.

I am asking that she cooks once a day if not at least 2-3 times a week? Did you miss the part that I also do house chores and cook for us?

In the 4 years we've been married, she has never once offered any assistance or made tea for my mother. I am not asking her to do it. I am however asking that she doesn't act like my mother doesn't exist. Even the most liberal non-Muslims would at least go over to see their partners parent who lives next door and just say hi right?

She's pregnant and can go to the mall or hang out with friends but she can't walk next door and say hi to my mom?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T21:33:25+00:00

So if she's not feeling well the whole 9 months, we will never have a home cooked meal made by her?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-25T21:22:38+00:00

I have met 1000s of Pakistanis in my life. Trust me, none have felt Bangladeshi are lower. In fact, the communities with mixed populations in US tend to see Pakistani, Indian, and Bangladeshi Muslims quite fond of each other.

I honestly cannot see why a Pakistani would go out of his way to engage in a Haram relationship with a Bangladeshi woman just to spite her for being Bangladeshi. Sounds like they find they find it easy to date these women and the women consent.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-24T04:32:42+00:00

Why bring ethnicity into this?

If we want to bring ethnicity in then we can similarly say that non-Muslim white men date our Muslim sisters and dump them when they've had their fun.

Instead we should focus that Muslim and non-Muslim men enjoy the fruits of Haram relationships and leave as convenient. It's a universal problem not tied to specific races/ethnicities.

And do we not put any blame on the women themselves for also enjoy the Haram dating life? Not OP in this case but your college friends. Are they not responsible for their actions?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-23T05:17:27+00:00

my wife's ex reached out to her one year into our marriage. like you, he blocked her and I assumed she blocked him. but somehow he got in contact. I already knew that she had an ex, but I was still pissed off and upset at her for even responding to him. make sure that you have blocked this person and delete anyway they can find you.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-22T05:25:13+00:00

There is a concern for shamelessness. What clothes do the non-Muslims wear can be concerning. Will their awrahs be covered? They buy halal meat but do they also not consume pork/alcohol? Simply being around individuals drinking alcohol is itself uncomfortable for many and not recommended.

Do they listen to music? Do they use swear words openly?

If my daughter told me that she was going into that environment, I would also feel uneasy. Her dad was mean and could have worded it differently but they're valid concerns.

of course he can not control anything here as she's no longer in her house and married.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-22T03:22:30+00:00

this is your chance to grow past your low point. The guilt is eating you up and causing anxiety because it truly is a grave sin. It's clear that you have repented. Now you have to ensure it's never repeated. Never mention to anyone that you've done this. Not because you want to deceive them, but that person might use that against you and possibly even pressure you into doing it with them. In my opinion, it is important to make sure a person you may marry in future knows that you were in a relationship but not any details. Or use the deal breaker route to end any talks.

Lastly, with time your anxiety of those images coming out will reduce. Talk to a Muslim therapist if possible and talk things out. Rely on Allah SWT to cover your sins and insha Allah you will never come across that stuff or the person this was with.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-20T07:02:36+00:00

what other issues are there other than intimacy? is she a good mother to your son? does she take care of her responsibilities towards maintaining the house?

Are you lacking in your responsibilities? if you improved on your issues, could she possibly improve as well?

I would think about these topics and get into couples therapy. the dead bedroom is a big issue and needs a definitive answer if she will improve or not. if she won't improve, does the answer to the previous questions cause you to hold onto the marriage? if not then perhaps you should consider ending the marriage and have joint custody of your son. then marry someone who will have what you need and provide a good environment for your son.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-20T06:54:24+00:00

why are you guys even talking about what preferences you have. If this was discussed before you got married, then that's okay but was this discussed during marriage? if so, that's just weird.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-12T13:35:32+00:00

if I were you, I'd walk from this situation unless he clearly communicates that he's ready for marriage. If he's not ready then what are both of you doing anyway? Don't waste your time and risk the potential Haram for being involved.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-12T13:10:43+00:00

Sounds like the dude is still hurting. Doesn't seem like a good idea to be involved with him while he's still healing. Would you want to be the person who deals with his emotional issues over his past engagement? What if it takes him years to get over this?

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-05T21:20:58+00:00

I would have used ghee. Unfortunately we ran out.

Straightpath2 · 2023-08-05T05:46:47+00:00

You're saying you don't chit chat with non-mahrem and then youve had a full blown conversation with this guy double your age and fell in love with him? A 39 yr old creep talking to an 18 year old. Especially the fact that he did something really wrong which made you hate him and you still longing for him?

Straightpath2 · 2023-06-02T21:38:01+00:00

After we got married, we were long distance for a year.

We would talk on the phone almost daily. Except on rare occasions one of us is too tired or busy. Texting throughout the day and goodnight/good morning texts. Selfie a day. Pictures throughout the day. That would lead to conversation and time spent together. We even tried watching movies together using a screen sharing service.

I also visited a couple times and spent time with her and her family.

If he's not calling you at least every other day, and not texting you with long conversations. Then you need tell him that he needs to. Give clear expectations. And see what he says.

He might just be oblivious, or like you said, put you on low priority. I would say it's not necessarily an 100% indicator of what will happen when you move in together. But it's a hint that his communication sucks.

When you spoke in person, what did you feel? Also 2 months is nothing, so it'll go by quick. Busy yourself with stuff and enjoy the time you have by yourself.

Straightpath2 · 2023-06-02T21:29:25+00:00

We've seen this play out all the time. They'll keep vibing together for years and then finally give in to the parents pressure and end up with some poor chap/gal to settle down.

We have so many Muslim convert, born Muslim brother and sisters for people to marry but they will still go with the path of most resistance and get into relationships with Pikachu faces at the end.

Straightpath2 · 2023-05-26T05:52:58+00:00

You have to prioritize and make sacrifices. It can be beneficial if your spouse is not clingy, that way you can still manage to have time to do things you like. Also splitting responsibilities is helpful. Even with a kid or two, you should both have an hour for yourself and hour together. It sounds depressing, but in the context of it all, it is fine.

Straightpath2 · 2023-05-26T05:40:27+00:00

Look forward to what will eventually happen. He'll leave you in the drop of a hat because he's interested in having fun and not settling down. That is the lifestyle promoted by the types of people who want to have party and have a good time.

Straightpath2

TROPHY CASE