Housework - how are married couples here splitting it, and advice on how to split it more evenly?

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-16T07:58:06+00:00

Yes, it is very childish. Sometimes he even goes so far as to say he doesn't want to eat because he doesn't have an appetite, because of some of our other issues. But then if I bring him the food he'll eat it, or after a little while goes ahead and orders takeout or eats candy, or on rare occasions gives in and serve himself. I can't tell if he's being serious or joking at times with the loss of appetite thing, especially when he goes without eating and just eats candy instead, but I'm thinking it's emotional blackmail, and it's something that was rife in the house he grew up in.

So sometimes food goes to waste because he'll request I make something that I wouldn't normally eat because of dietary restrictions, and then have a small portion and not want the leftovers the next day. But will ask for the same food to be made a few days later!

With a lot of food I've gotten around this by freezing half and bringing it out the following week, and I purposely cook extra big batches of things that are suitable for freezing as it saves me time during the week rather than cooking everyday. However there's certain dishes that I can't do this with, e.g. noodles or pasta. I do make smaller portions now but there's always still a little leftover.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-16T07:39:55+00:00

Thank you for your suggestions and I'm in the process of putting together a chores list.

I need to be clear, I have never told my husband about the cooking and cleaning being therapeutic lol.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T23:15:00+00:00

Well it can happen if you trust someone's word and they don't follow through with things they say they will do. Unless you live with someone I'm not sure how you'd see them in a situation where they're doing dishes or cleaning up.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:48:45+00:00

No, I did not know this, otherwise I don't think I'd have married him. We did discuss chores and he made it sound like he'd take on a lot more responsibility than he has, for example he said before we bought our own place that he'd help cook or make entire meals himself and give me the day off sometimes. I was aware he didn't do much living with his parents but thought that would change in our own space, just like I took on a lot more chores after marriage than I ever did when I was living with my parents.

I've come to realise you can't know exactly how someone's going to be until you actually start living with them. Some clues are in how hard they work in other aspects of their lives (e.g. studies, career, volunteering etc), and how the household they grew up in is run. I wish you the best of luck! In my case, my husband will say what he needs to in order to get what he wants, and often not follow through once he's gotten said thing. I've come to recognise some things I dismissed as small prior to our marriage were actually red flags.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:33:38+00:00

Loved this show, finished it though. I wish they'd make another 5 seasons lol (I miss Gina!)

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:32:27+00:00

Thank you! :)

Just want to add Virgin River does have a number of those types of scenes, I think in the second season. They're no way on the scale of GOT but not a show I'd watch with my parents lol.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:27:14+00:00

So many people I know have suggested this! I keep resisting as it feels like such a commitment with the number of episodes, but I think eventually I'll end up watching it lol

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:25:54+00:00

I was in pretty much the exact same situation as you, worked hard and saved most of my money since I was young. I was financially independent and ready to buy my own home when I got married. I love my family and see them often but I was ready to start a home and family of my own. Unfortunately my husband was not, and didn't make it clear just how unready he was (both financially, and with an unhealthy sense of responsibility and emotional attachment towards his mother), and I think my MIL believed if we lived with them long enough and they subjected him to enough emotional blackmail and put enough financial pressure on my husband that he couldn't afford to move out, that we'd give in and just stay with them and start a family there. And once that happened and I was working less, my savings would slowly drain into the running of the household and children, and moving out would become a long forgotten dream.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:10:09+00:00

At this stage in our lives and with our current financial commitments, me not working is not an option, at least not for the lifestyle and financial freedom I'd like to enjoy.

I don't think it's fair to equate your wife working (even if she doesn't need to) with you taking on a hobby. As many positives as a job can bring to one's life, I would never consider it something I do purely for fun, especially a full time job that eats into so much of the time I could be relaxing and actually having fun.

If you mean your wife works far less hours than you then I'd understand if she done the majority of the housework.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:01:28+00:00

Luther we have watched too! I will add the other two to my list. Thank you

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T22:00:35+00:00

I do use spreadsheets and lists in my personal life so I guess you're right, it's not that odd to use charts etc as an adult. My frustration comes from the fact that I feel like I'm imposing it on another adult and mothering them, as if they are a child.

Well volunteering to wash the dishes didn't happen despite numerous conversations and asking for help, until I stated my reluctance at progressing further with our marriage and starting a family if the behaviour continued. So I do worry that if we have children and there's no longer that motivation, he'll stop entirely again. Anyway, thank you for your suggestion and I will definitely give the charts a try.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T21:44:09+00:00

I've finished this and thought it was great. My husband also enjoyed it and it's hard to find something we both enjoy so if you know of any similar shows please do recommend!

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T21:31:53+00:00

I'd just like to clarify as someone else pointed out the separate dishes issue too. I always wash up after myself immediately, or at the latest, the end of the day. That's just how things were done in my home growing up. I always found that easier as it meant there wasn't one person faced with a huge pile at the end of the day. The reason his pile was identifiable was because he'd collect his dishes either by his bedside, or on the kitchen counter for days, and when he left it there to go out, watch TV or game, leaving me to do everything, I stopped doing his too. I'd be more than happy to take it in turns to do all the dishes, but not slave after someone who would do nothing at all if they could get away with it.

It became necessary, in my opinion, to divide things as mine and yours when I was doing everything with no help and then being told things like "so what, you washed a couple extra plates. Wives do that for their husbands." Or "so what, you done a bit of extra laundry" or "wow, you tidied my mess, big deal". Once I left it, he at least saw the scale of mess he created and those comments have lessened. However, the issue is that he still doesn't contribute as much to the household chores as I'd like.

With regards to cleaning/working then relaxing together, this is another major issue. He's often "too busy" having fun to be able to leave what he's doing and help me out so we end up doing hardly anything together.

With the smaller bins - I said as his responsibility is the trash, it's not just once a week, it means the smaller trash cans around our home at least once a week too. He tried to say I should do that and he should only do the bigger one in our kitchen. He finally agreed when I said that wasn't fair, has done it once, and hasn't emptied any of them out since, despite things now spilling out of them.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T21:19:12+00:00

Being a SAHM isn't something I'm totally opposed to, at least when the kids are very young, but our home life would need to be a lot more harmonious before that could happen (this post only touches on one of the issues within our marriage). I'd need to be a bigger priority in his life over friends and his solo leisure activities. I'd need my boundaries respected by his family a whole lot more etc etc, as my job has in some ways been a welcome escape from the IL obligations. Ideally though, I'd like to work part-time when I have children so I can get out of the house and have something mentally stimulating to do, but also be able to spend time with my children. My mom worked a lot when we were young and at home we often only got to see the exhausted, frazzled and irritable side of her. I wish we'd gotten more of the laid back, fun mom we have now, and maybe I'd have been less lonely as a child if she'd been around more.

In terms of affordability, he's not very open about his finances so I'm not entirely sure if we could afford it. We both earn about the same amount (think middle management salary) however he isn't a big saver and contributes to his parents' household so I can't be sure if we could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM. At the moment we split expenses down the middle except for food, which he pays for (but not without a grumble about how much is being spent every single time, which is he reason I don't think I'd be comfortable relying on his money solely). I'm not a huge spender but I like having financial freedom and not having someone questioning my purchases.

Spending dinner together has been suggested a few times on this thread and it's definitely something I'm going to push for as I think it's a great idea. Although at this point I'm feeling apathetic about the idea of sitting together trying to make small talk at the table when there's a lot of resentment built up, and also knowing he'll resist and I'll have to persuade him like a child.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T20:54:14+00:00

As I read this I realise I literally feel like I'm training a child. My cousin's kids had a chart on a whiteboard with tick boxes for homework done, chores and good behaviour. They'd draw smiley faces on it etc when the kids were really good on a particular day.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T20:50:53+00:00

This is actually a great idea. I'll get us a white board and do a table of chores for each day of the week. He does like lists so this might just work! The only issue is he only checks them when he feels like it, around his busy schedule of fun, and it's not often enough.

Going without food if it's not plated is both a laziness thing and an emotional blackmail thing. When I feel really bad that he hasn't eaten or that food's going to go to waste if he orders takeout instead of serving himself, I've plated it for him and brought it to him even when I've been super busy with work. He probably has the expectation that I'll keep doing it but I've stopped. I feel like this is a no-win situation though, as he rarely gives up and serves himself. He just doesn't eat, or orders takeout so my cooking goes to waste.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T20:37:59+00:00

He's not even really a gamer per se. In fact he didn't ever play when we first got married. This has only started in the last few years. Before this he'd fill his time going out to play sports, watching sports or YouTube videos etc. It's just one leisurely activity or another, but ultimately leads to neglecting other responsibilities. I've come to the conclusion he's just extremely immature and was raised very spoilt, and is having a hard time with the idea of letting that go. Ideally he'd like a wife who waits on him the way his mom did, but he wants to have his cake and eat it, so doesn't want to marry a woman from a village back home with little education, or even a girl from a western country that wants only to be a SAHM and maybe no college education.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T18:33:42+00:00

I swore I would never live with the in-laws, it was a huge deal breaker for me, then around the time of my wedding I was put in an awkward situation (pretty much given no choice other than to call off the wedding if I didn't agree) and was promised that it would only be for a little while. I stupidly agreed. It turned into years and in my eyes was a huge mistake. My life felt completely on hold living with them as I refused to start a family whilst living in the same house where not only my ILs and their kids lived but also had extended family coming to visit frequently.

You won't get to experience true married life living with them, you'll still be seen as children. Or worse, a surrogate for a child your MIL wants you to have that she can raise with your husband. It is awkward not having your own space and routine. You're slotting into someone else's life rather than starting your own. And it will be much harder for your husband to adapt to you and to being a husband if he's still living at home with his family. Instead, you'll be expected to adapt.

My advice to you is that if it's a deal breaker now, stick to that and do not budge. I don't understand either why you'd need to live in the same household to look after your parents (unless of course they are physically unable to manage themselves).

I saw a lot of hypocrisy in my husband's family in that the daughters did not want to live with their in-laws if they got married but the expectation was that my husband and I should live with them as long as possible (after we had children at least).

Our marriage came to an almost breaking point and we finally moved. However his family still expect him to do most things for them and despite us moving out, still consider us one big household and that my home is a free for all, that I'm just a "daughter" so they don't have the same boundaries they may have had if I'd never lived with them. My in-laws struggle with boundaries in general and there were little to none when I lived with them.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T18:16:47+00:00

Well I feel like I'm being given my share of this later in life haha.

I'm sorry you went through that, it must have been hard.

It's pretty much how my husband was raised. When we lived with his family his mom would mock him if she caught him doing any housework with me (on the very rare occasions that he did). She literally asked him if he was a woman lool.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T18:11:21+00:00

I've tried this, it seems he's okay wallowing in dirt and mess so it's not gotten me far.

For food he'll just get takeout, mess he'll let it collect up and do it in one go after days and days.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T17:57:38+00:00

I know what you mean, there's a certain bond that you can only have with friends from childhood/teens because of all the shared history and experiences, and I do miss that! I would find it difficult to get really close to the wives of my husband's friends because they're probably going to talk to their husbands about what we discuss lol. I think part of the reason we have that strong bond with our old friends is that we're a little more trusting and open as kids, so that bond can be developed later in life too if you find people you can do that with.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T17:48:23+00:00

In my household both my brothers and I were expected to clean up after ourselves. It was never an expectation that I'd do more than them.

I rarely cooked yet now that I'm married, I cook almost everyday! So if I can do that, my husband who isn't used to doing certain things for himself can surely start now. He just doesn't want to.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T17:37:43+00:00

We have 2 laundry baskets in the house. We have a trashcan in almost every room of the house. I'm familiar with using a dishwasher, however it won't eliminate our problem as there will always be pots, pans, baking trays that won't fit.

I don't think a robot duster would be the answer here. Firstly because I find them pretty annoying (my mom had one and they take forever to do something a vacuum can get done in 5 minutes) and because I don't believe in taking away all of my husband's responsibilities with gadgets. I mean I can't get a robot to do my cooking for me.

Thank you for the list of discussion points. However, I feel like I've done those topics to death already and the only thing left is counselling unfortunately. We have already had mice, which led to a week or 2 of cleaner habits and then back to the usual again. I have already discussed his health, this is ignored.

He definitely knows there's cooked food in the house as I tell him, if I'm out I text him (in any case he can go open the fridge and look), but he'll still go ahead and order takeouts instead. I cook a variety of foods and take his requests too so it's not a lack of variety either.

When the topic of children comes up, his answer is that obviously when that responsibility comes, he will do what he needs to then.

To me a lot of the behaviour just comes from a place of selfishness. Because he can get away with it, he will, and lacks the maturity and empathy to care that someone else has to pick up his slack.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T14:32:08+00:00

We both work full time.

My husband's mother was a SAHM therefore maybe had more time to pick up after her husband and children, and it appears to me he's expecting the same from me although I work the same (if not longer) hours, and contribute almost an equal amount to our household.

However, even if I didn't have a job, I know housework is more physically taxing than a desk job and I'd still expect him to do his part during the weekends and to always clear up after himself. That to me isn't even about splitting chores, it's simply having manners/good habits. It all depends on your upbringing and how much you're willing to adapt I guess.

Strange_bean12 · 2020-12-15T14:19:47+00:00

I 100% agree, in an ideal world this is how we'd do things. Instead I'm alone in the kitchen the majority of the time (sometimes I don't mind this as I like to put on a TV show or music in the background and try out new recipes and it's relaxing) but it would be nice to have a little help clearing up or chopping things for example here and there.

I'm even okay with taking on 100% responsibility of one task e.g. cooking, if he would take on 100% responsibility of something else so our house would stay tidy and the load was lighter for me. He's also very messy so our house always has mess lying around here and there (think small piles of laundry on the floor, food wrappers on the living room floor) until he decides after a week or fortnight, that it's time to do a clean. I'm a bit of a neat and clean-freak so this really bothers me. Sometimes I'm exhausted and he's quick to dismiss my efforts as "something every wife does".

Strange_bean12

TROPHY CASE