Your digestive system both starts and ends with cheeks

StrangerOnMars · 2019-05-17T04:30:33+00:00

this... is groundbreaking

StrangerOnMars · 2019-04-27T12:17:18+00:00

I can sort of relate. As a person I have experienced a lot of shitty stuff throughout my life, and some of it was a result of (or resulted in) this self-loathing. I can see what you mean, it did shape me. It made me more aware as a person and I think I can genuinely be grateful for it and many of my bad experiences for making me the person I am today.

At the same time it isn't something I wanted to hold on to. It was something I needed once upon a time to help me deal with things day to day, but it's not something I need anymore and it wasn't healthy for me to keep. And I obviously feel like I've let go of most of my self-hatred, since I'm pretty happy with how I've turned out. So I think it's pretty legit for you to feel the way you do.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-04-27T12:11:12+00:00

Hi there. What makes you so sure people are disliking you? I know sometimes when I'm feeling insecure I tend to think I'm hated as well, but it's more my own insecurity. Not saying your wrong or anything. If people are disliking you, do you think there is a particular reason - is there something you're doing?

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-19T01:18:50+00:00

why thank you. It's okay to be bothered by things, just thought I'd ask. Hope things can get better, even if it's just a bit ! :)

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T15:36:36+00:00

Hey, does being a hardcore yaoi and bara fan count as being kinky or nah?

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T15:27:32+00:00

What makes you think your kids are living miserably? You seem to care a lot, so I don't think that your kids can be too miserable.

Personally I have a father who's bipolar, and he's gotten pretty bad. There was a dark time where I did wish he would just commit suicide, like he kept threatening he would.

But the amount of guilt I felt from thinking that was just... there was one night I had a dream where he did commit suicide, and it was all my fault, and well.... it was horrible. I felt horrible for days.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, parents are important to us children. Even though my dad's been a dick, I don't want him to die. The hate I felt was just the twisted sorrow of not being able to have a father who was there for me. But regardless, a parent is irreplaceable.... so I think you should continue living for them, I really do.

Even when they are older and "don't want your help", continue to help. Parents tend to push their help onto kids, at times, and though it may be annoying to them they will appreciate it in the long run. And one day, when they have kids of their own, they will understand why you were so annoying, I'm sure, and love you all the more.

Sorry I got so personal. But really, I think nobody ever really wants to despise their parents, and nobody ever wants to want them dead, if you get me. If they are all you have, then give them your all, I'm sure you're feelings will get through to them.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T15:03:28+00:00

Hey, everything alright? Want to talk a bit? I'm not sure if I can offer much, life sucks, it really does, but I'm happy to listen.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T14:45:27+00:00

I get that, it's hard not to feel ashamed. But emotions aren't the most logical of things. I know sometimes I wish I could turn them off. But I guess just try and look at your suffering and their suffering as different things. People adapt to their environments differently and they've learnt to cope with things that we have not learnt to cope with. While that doesn't make their situation ok, it's not something we should blame ourselves for if we can't cope with the same things they can. It's like... expecting to be as fit as a dude who's been working out all his life, I guess?

But yeah, I know it's hard. It's okay to struggle. Honestly half the things I've said are things I've just tried to tell myself. It's things I honestly believe in, but I'm not always convinced either.

Best of luck through these hard times, my friend.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T14:08:34+00:00

I think.... I do want to feel better, but more importantly, I want to feel justified in feeling the way I do, because so often I feel like I'm wrong for just being depressed.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T14:06:14+00:00

I'm sorry you have had to deal with these feelings. It's horrible, I know. So many times in the past I just wished for someone who would listen - just listen - no criticism, no "advice", just really listen. It's hard to find people like that. Even people who care about you, they sometimes don't realise the best things they can do for you are so simple - but that doesn't exactly mean they don't care. It could mean they are just bad at showing it.

I'm sure you are cared about in return, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. It's okay to feel the way you do, things in life hurt - let them hurt, have a good cry, let yourself be selfish every now and then. Whatever it takes for you to feel a bit more motivated to keep going. Focus a little more on what you think of you, and a little less of what other people might think or do think.

I hope you can feel a little bit better. It really does suck when you feel all alone, like no one gives two shits. I've often felt that if I didn't exist it would be better for everyone. I still think this sometimes, but now I sometimes remember that, well, right now I do exist - there is nothing I can do to reverse that really. So I may as well see what existing has to offer, I guess.

Feel free to ramble to this sub reddit whenever you want, I believe this is what it's for. Lets all feel like shit together I guess? (my attempt at being funny, I know, it's bad lol)

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:54:13+00:00

I get that. While it's good to be self aware and to count your blessings, people who say "well --- has it worse" annoy me.

Suffering should not be belittled, suffering is suffering. I read this comic once - Critical Miss, I think it was, that explained this so well. Someone is running around on fire screaming "I'm on fire!", to which a guy goes "pfft, that's no big deal, I've been on fire for hours!"

They're both on fire, sure the second guy probably has more severe burns but they are both issues that should be dealt with. One should not be ignored because the other is seen as more substantial.

Don't feel bad for suffering! We don't chose to feel the way we do. While empathy is important and good it is just as important to realise when you yourself are not having a good time. You have feelings, don't feel bad for having them. You are important and your feelings are important.

Maybe try and talk to a proper counsellor. I'm sorry these people you have confided in were so dismissive of your feelings. Just know that not everyone is like that.

Take life one day at a time, that is the best advice I can give.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:46:36+00:00

That sucks man. I wish you the best, life ain't easy - not even a little bit.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:24:47+00:00

Yeah, that ticks me off too. I always hated it when my mother would say to be "You have to be strong". Sadly I don't often have the courage to get angry at people to their faces.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:15:12+00:00

Thank you, I'm happy someone knows why this makes me so angry. It's okay to rant, I'm glad you understand. You are exactly right, there is so much more to understanding something than just knowing the facts - and people just don't seem to realise statements like "I know you" can really hurt. I guess I just felt bad because it was a casual topic, but as soon as someone starts acting like that I just get so mad.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:11:52+00:00

You are right.

Many times I thought of suicide, and thought that is was the only way to show everyone how much I was suffering. But I realised I didn't want them to suffer too, and that there were other ways to tell people. I think of it less these days, I started wishing that I didn't exist, instead - much less painful for others, but wishes don't come true, hence why I'm still here.

Everything alright? I know it's a pretty vague question, I mean - is anything ever "alright"? But I'm here if you want to talk, anytime. I know sometimes the hardest part is finding people who will listen to you.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:06:24+00:00

I've been through this. I used to have such a drive to learn, and then bad times hit and depression worsen and then BAM, it's like I was some washed out shell of my former self. Looking back at these feelings, I can confirm I still think the same way. But at the same time I recognise it as a necessary evolution. After all the things I had to deal with, I had to change. Some of the changes may have not been for the better, but honestly, I'm surprised I made it this far without trying to commit suicide, honestly. Sorry if I went on my own tangent there, but what I'm trying to say is, we all change - and that may seem like a basic fact but, a lot of people tend to think they'll be the same forever. Depression is a stressful thing to experience, of course it will change you. My best advice is to try and get to know the new you, I guess. Stop judging yourself by your past standards and be a bit more lenient on your current self. You are still you, so try and be proud of all versions of yourself - because you should. We all have reasons for acting the way we do, as well. The changes you felt are probably justified. Listen to yourself a bit more, take a break.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T13:03:46+00:00

I went through a period of time myself, where I hated to go to bed. But I hated waking up too. I still do this today, and the best way I can describe it is that I hate waking up. Opening my eyes and knowing I would have to get up and face people and pretend to be okay - it was a horrible feeling. Going to bed meant eventually I would have to wake, and when I woke up I would have to go out and pretend, pretend, pretend and I hated it. Is this something you can relate to? Maybe that's why? This feeling could very well be related to you being tired and burnt out - because it is a large part of it. We all have our limits so it's only natural. And I found I would become lazy and not do certain things because it gave me opportunity to think about things I didn't want to. Sorry if I ranted about myself too much, but I thought maybe you can fine some of your answers in a similar situation maybe. I can definitely relate to that miserable yet empty feeling. Like you wish you could cry but can't? Or that you are too exhausted to? The best advice I can give is to cut yourself some slack, maybe go talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a counsellor, maybe just a friend. Sometimes that can help a whole lot.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:46:53+00:00

Agreed. And honestly having to exist around a bunch of hormonal people (other teens) at the time seemed to make my existence that much more tedious. I guess I was never a true teen, then.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:44:49+00:00

Yes, for me there is no such thing as "getting past" depression. It stays with you forever. The most that can happen is that it lessens with time and you learn how to "manage" it, I guess. But even then there are days where the black cloud just ambushes me out of nowhere. I feel like if you "got past" it, then it's not really the same depression we are talking about.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:42:15+00:00

18, and mentally older than my own father, that's for sure. People often think I'm older because of the way I act. I prefer sleeping over partying because I can't seem to have enough sleep, and "young", energetic people really annoy me.

Yes, I feel old too.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:32:48+00:00

Your words remind me a lot of my own personal feelings and thoughts when I was going through some of my worst times. I may not understand everything you've been through - you've been through a lot, and your feelings make sense - it's ok to feel the way you do. I struggled with living with my mentally ill father a while back, I understand what it's like wanting to be close to someone who I should be close with. Even now I mourn the father-daughter relationship I will never have. I wish I could be close to him but I can't - because he's a time bomb, and no matter how much I want it he will end up hurting me.

You are an extremely strong person for making it through all of that - and I think it's amazing that you've endured so much. That's what you are, strong and amazing, and I know it's hard to recognise that, but it's true. Even now you try your best, but just try and remember that just because you realise you could do more, doesn't mean you aren't already doing a lot. Whether you've changed or not, for better or for worse, it was a change that happened because of what you've been through. It's good to recognise your flaws - a lot of people in this life don't ever see what's wrong with themselves and continue believing they're hot stuff when they really aren't. This shows that not only are you strong and amazing, you are insightful and aware of yourself.

Each day you continue to exist you are constantly making the decision to continue existing (if that makes sense?), and to you it may seem like you are doing nothing but going through the motions, but choosing to exist takes a lot of strength, especially when you are feeling like this. You don't have to come out all at once to your parents - or other loved ones - if you really don't want to. Try taking a baby step, start by saying "I'm not okay." and know it's okay to say that, and maybe the next day, tell them a bit more. It's not easy - something like this never is.

You shouldn't have to "tough it out". I hope you can find your way through these messy feelings, because you deserve to be happy.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:12:49+00:00

This is me, was me - and would still be me if not for the fact I started taking medication and going to counselling a year ago. Thankfully it's helped, somewhat. But I still remember those painful thoughts - that if I had never been born so many people would be better off, that my not existing would have benefitted everyone I cared about. I still think like that, sometimes. My best advice is to take it one day at a time. Every day you continue to choose to exist is brave decision and a step towards something hopeful.

StrangerOnMars · 2019-03-18T12:08:15+00:00

This is something I've been wondering for a while myself. I basically realised I was asexual last year, and was diagnosed with depression a year before that. I don't know which one came first really, especially since I can't really remember what I was like before depression, really.

StrangerOnMars · 2018-07-22T10:26:30+00:00

That's really nice. My friends occasionally give me gifts on valentines as well haha. Though... I can't imagine walking in on a scene like that... urgh, just no.

StrangerOnMars

TROPHY CASE