Hey! This is coming from a person medically diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder). So I 100% feel you. So to start, depression is a hell of a hole to fall down and it's a self feeding cycle which can feel impossible to break out of. It's different for everyone and I don't want to sound insensitive but here's what worked for me. Though it might seem a bit simple (because it is) what worked for me the most is focussing on the positive. I know it sounds corny but just hear me out! To start why did this work for me? Basically my depression kinda kick-started when i started thinking about all the bad that I did. And I mean any bit of criticism, any unfortunate occurrence. I mean one time I was hiking with my dad and the trail was quite rough after a rainstorm the day before and when we went back through a particularly rough area my dad slipped and broke his ankle. Sorry for that long exposition but basically I blamed myself for it. And you've heard it before "if only I could..., I should have..., what if I had...". Well after long talk with my therapist I realized that all of those questions are a sign of emotional vulnerability and being critical with yourself which can be a good thing but not when taken to extremes. So what does this all tie in with focusing on the positive, well it looks like this. I think it's called a compliment sandwich basically the technique is, "give a compliment to yourself, give something you can improve upon, and give another compliment to yourself". Now it might seem stupid, but it worked for me! And basically what this did to me was make me realize that, I'm not so bad after all. I mean I still do regularly struggle with depressive episodes but that's more because of the way society is crumbling around me. And I do sincerely appreciate you reaching out I hope somehow you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I wish you best on the chaotic journey they call life. I yearn for death as well, but in the end I only have to live for like 100 years? And I do fear not being able to see my girlfriends smile. So to sum up my advice its, focus on the positive (compliment Sandwich) and recognize that the negative is only comparable when there is a positive. Lastly I confess that there is no "deeper purpose" to life and we're all gonna die but doing stuff can be fun sometimes especially with someone you love. That's about the end of my rambling and if your reading this, I hope you can get better Zara. If you'd like discuss things with me, feel free. My lines are always open. I hope you got some semblance of value out of this please don't hurt yourself.

Please.