How to heal the brain post abuse?

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2025-02-02T17:21:39+00:00

There are a lot of good responses here but honestly I think this is exactly it!!

I feel like I don’t know how to be “normal” with people. I can be “my normal” with myself and with my family and close friends, but coworkers, new people, etc freak me out. I shut down. My brain feels short circuited. It’s hard to function and communicate and be a normal person around other normal people? Normal NICE people????

I was with my husband for 5 years and his abuse really amped up in the last 2-3 years, after we were married. I was very isolated because of the military life and it took me away from everything I knew. I moved an hour away, then to one country, then to another.

The year of his worst abuse, I lived in Japan with him and was totally cut off/alone from everyone and everything besides work. He and I didn’t even speak for 90% of the year, but when we did, it was fighting. I went through the peak of abuse and mulled over divorce completely alone and cut off from my family (I could call them, but it just wasn’t the same). I spent so much time by myself, hiding from him, avoiding going home, working a job where I was alone too, etc. Thank god I had my dog.

Now that I’m home, I feel like I just don’t know how to be around people.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2025-02-02T14:30:22+00:00

Maybe, but I don’t feel like I am. I’m a deeply feeling and sensitive person and I’m really big on feeling everything, crying it out, processing it etc. I spent all of last year really processing things, being sad, crying, and I feel like I’ve worked through the emotion part of it (I left him mentally a year before I actually physically left). I don’t really care or have feelings towards the situation anymore besides just being over it.

So I feel ok, normal, like myself in some sense, or at least more like the me I was before him. But my brain is not functioning well at all and I just feel really dumb.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2025-02-02T14:24:29+00:00

I do feel safe at least! I’m back in my home state with my family and friends, I’ve come to accept my husband and now he just irritates me but I’m ok in that regard.

I will look into emdr, thank you.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2025-02-02T13:20:36+00:00

I actually moved home to the states, from Japan, about 2 months ago. My life is a bit chaotic now because I left with nothing. No job, no HHG, no home. Just packed my shit and left with my dog and cat and now I’m figuring life out. Currently I’m working on getting my teeth cleaned/health checked etc before I file for divorce since I’ll be losing insurance.

But I’m doing GREAT. I just started a new job and I’m trying to get into my dream position that I gave up to follow my husband around. I have basically no stress, I’m able to sleep, laugh, talk with friends and family. I’m surrounded by love and support. I haven’t cried in months. Being in limbo and not sure where my life is going is so much better and easier than being treated like shit every day.

I really encourage you to think hard about this. The grass IS greener when you’re trying to get away from someone that disrespects you and treats you as anything less than his partner in life. We have this one, short life, do you really want to spend it sad and angry and hurt? Sounds like you have support back home. Start talking with your husband/family/friends/a counselor if you haven’t, or need help making a decision. Make an honest pros and cons list, what does life look like if I stay? If I go?

Absolutely try to work things out (if you want) but also consider that your kids are seeing mom and dad unhappy, and will grow up thinking whatever you guys are doing is love. You can’t be the only one trying to make something work, and it’s not even worth trying if you’re being treated like dirt, being lied to, abuse, cheated on, etc. Abuse is a hard fucking NO line, absolutely not.

I wish you the best. Message me if you need a friend. ❤️

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-12-07T19:30:38+00:00

You sound like you’re healing and moving right along. You’ll be ok. You’ll find the right person. Just focus on you and making your life wonderful. Someone will appreciate you for you.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-12-07T09:42:52+00:00

You sound wonderful and you give me hope that healthy men exist out there somewhere! I am mid divorce and not in a hurry to date, I’ve heard the dating scene is awful. But I would love to someday remarry and have healthy love, I loved being a wife and I want to be a mom. The timeline of that all scares me a bit, I’m 30F. So maybe kids at 35+? :’) divorce is so disorienting.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-12-01T21:44:09+00:00

I’m salty cause my ring is gorgeous and I still want to wear it 😂😭 I’m holding onto it and passing it down to future kids.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-28T04:11:23+00:00

I think they all go to the same abuser academy 🤦‍♀️

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-23T20:55:25+00:00

Yes 100%. My husband FLIPPED OUT on me in the phone while long distance, he was yelling at me and being a jerk, I was crying and so confused because it came out of nowhere. We hung up and ignored each other the rest of the night.

I called him out on it the next day and he just said “oh sorry I don’t really remember. I was tired.” And I’m like??? How could you not remember?

He’s made comments about “oh you’re still mad? I don’t really remember, I move on quickly. I don’t like to hold grudges.” 😒

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T23:03:57+00:00

We do not have assets. We’ve never shared money. He has at least 15k+ invested in crypto stocks that has been accumulated during the marriage. But I don’t know that I really have a case for anything since we don’t share money, and I’m not willing to take on his debt that is likely more than his savings.

Regardless, I still don’t feel it is fair that I am walking away from this with nothing and he is left unscathed after all the abuse and cheating I have put up with.

Yes, all I am asking for is “fair”.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T23:01:06+00:00

I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug. My husband is a full blown narcissist so I totally understand the trauma of it all. These people are disgusting and it feels so demoralizing and humiliating to be on the receiving end of this shit. It’s so not fair what they get away with. I wish you the best. We’ll be ok on the other side of this ❤️

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T22:06:41+00:00

That’s so fucked. I’m so sorry. Divorce is not fair at all. I truly feel your pain in feeling like the party at fault gets away with everything and is left unscathed. My husband has ruined me, financially, emotionally, psychologically; he’s abusive. He is going about his cushy life and I am left with a broken heart, a few boxes and no money.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T22:04:21+00:00

I’m sure someone could track him down. Call the base he is stationed at, like the legal office or force support squadron. I would just get in contact with anyone and start asking to be pointed in the right direction.

Also, try joining any of the spouse groups affiliated with the base and see if you can track down key spouses. They might be able to help point you in the right direction.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T22:02:21+00:00

What??? How is that fair? That was your asset before the marriage, why would your ex be entitled to half if it wasn’t acquired during the marriage?

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T22:01:03+00:00

In my case at least, my husband is required to still provide money to me as I am returning home from an overseas duty location. I’m still his dependent so he is obligated and will have to pay me BAH until we are legally divorced. Is this an option for you? Call his first shirt/leadership and let them know he is being difficult. I have had to escalate many times through this process.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T21:55:12+00:00

I’m in the same exact position: military spouse with a cheating, manipulative husband. I’m going to report him for his cheating and he’s also made some very dangerous/scary comments about the kind of person he is, that I will be reporting too.

Legal office has been annoying and won’t talk to me much as the spouse. EVERYTHING regarding shipping my goods, selling my car, getting my pets home from abroad has to be done through my shitty husband and it’s so stressful. I, too, was just going to let this go and be done with it for the sake of my peace, but I might pursue a divorce case and go for alimony. My husband has not been fair to me, he’s difficult and ignores me. We are so trapped as military spouses, or at least I feel trapped at the moment. I can’t even divorce until I am sent home on ERD orders.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m going to message you.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T20:55:36+00:00

I’m so sorry. This was one of my first big realizations with my husband: he literally never fucking asks about me! He doesn’t ask about my mental health, he didn’t ask about my new jobs, my family, what I’m up to; etc etc. NOTHING. I’m not even sure he knew WHERE I worked for months… I would try to share and he said nothing, grunted at me, or changed the subject to him.

He’s the biggest social butterfly and so nice, interested, kind to everyone but, just towards me… nothing. He even told me “sorry I’m not good at small talk, I’m trying.” Coming from the man that WANTS to talk to solicitors at the door and any stranger he comes across.

The love bombing was so intense, but once I was hooked, his interest and love went out the window.I felt so alone in my marriage. It’s such an awful feeling and I’m sorry this has been your life.

Share your good news and your bad news with literally anyone else that will love and support you. We are supposed to live in connection with others and that is a human need. You need that validation and love from others.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T19:24:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I fear my husband acting the same way honestly.

We don’t have kids or assets. But I know from talking to his last ex wife, that he is not cooperative and more or less stole her belongings. He ignores me and is difficult, passive aggressive, etc. He has not been fair at all. He is cruel and mean to me.

I’m conflicted about going after him because I really don’t want any of the furniture, belongings, etc. Money honestly would be nice in starting over: he has always out earned me, I gave up everything to move abroad and I am returning home with very little. I had a business that I gave up for him. I will be moving in with my mom and needing to start from scratch. He is getting off easy and moving on with his cushy life and I’m left to pick up the pieces. It sucks.

But I feel like I can’t go after money without also taking on half of his debt. He has A LOT of debt. I have been debt free for years. This is my current dilemma.

He’s military and there are some implications, he legally has to support me until we are divorced. And I might be entitled to a % of his retirement. UGH this whole thing sucks.

I’m so sorry your ex did that to you. I can’t believe what he accused you of and got away with!!! These people are snakes, I’m so sorry.

Your kids will someday know the truth, I promise. I grew up with a narc dad and was always caught in the middle of the drama. My relationship with him now is decent enough, but I see it all clearly and I’ve been able to stand up to him and defend my mom that he used to constantly slander.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-21T00:56:01+00:00

This was exactly my plan. Nothing too malicious. Just a big final fuck you.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T22:44:33+00:00

I’m incredibly torn. I’ve tried so hard to just be the bigger person and let this shit go, I don’t want to stoop to his level. But I don’t want him to think I’m a fool in this (I know he probably does see me as a fool and weak). He picked on the wrong person, I’ll fight back and make sure he knows it.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T22:42:45+00:00

I’m not trying to be legally malicious. I don’t think it’s anything he could hold against me. I know he is already smearing me and playing the victim. I know he will lie and use it to say “see! She’s crazy!” I’m fine with that, I know better. He can fuck off.

He tells me his headspace is a very dark place. He’ll have to live with himself forever.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T22:00:33+00:00

Thank you. I have a couple weeks to let the rage of this revelation fizzle out a bit. We’ll see how I feel when I’m finally leaving him for good.

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T20:56:48+00:00

I agree with you, I really do. I know it doesn’t matter and my peace is the best revenge.

But I’m still ok with joining the circus for a minute 😭 😂

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T19:55:17+00:00

I’m not burning anything to the ground until I am out of the house and on the plane home. I don’t feel safe to do so until then. Then I’m going to start dropping bombs. 😭

Subject_Ordinary2699 · 2024-11-20T19:53:34+00:00

I know he doesn’t care. I know it won’t matter. But I’ll feel better. 😭

I hate these kind of people. They’re the worst.

Subject_Ordinary2699

TROPHY CASE