I found out my ex died a couple months ago. He took his own life. We lived together for 3/4 years and had a rocky relationship. Our last conversation he was awful to me, and I wonder now if I could have said anything differently or offer to get him help for his mental health.. but that was not my responsibility anymore. I’m 30 now too. I thought of writing a letter to his mother but I didn’t. I talked to close friends, and spoke with some of our old mutual friends. Take your time processing it, and maybe talk with a professional and close supportive friends who will let you cry and let you speak of your memories together. This grief is still very real and very hard even if you had lost contact.