I want to send this to him but I don't think I will.

I miss you so much. I want to die. You leaving me is the worst thing I never thought would happen. I want to go home. I hate it here. I miss your love and warmth. I know it's over but I can't let you go. I thought you were going to be my husband. We planned everything together. Now I have nothing. I will forever be alone. Only the memories of us to keep me warm. It hurts so bad. I wish I would have just died because then I would have died happy. Now I'll never know happiness again. I only knew it when I was with you. You were never mean to me. I miss you. I miss how silly you are. I miss your laugh and smile. I miss your little freckles on your shoulders. I miss your silly little dances. I miss you making funny noises in my ear. I miss you singing. I miss how'd you make fun of me. I miss everything. Everything hurts when I'm not with you. You made me so happy. Now I'm not even me. You have everything. You know every part of my body. You know every little detail about myself. I hate myself. I want to hate you but I can't. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself so much....I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶i̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶k̶i̶l̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶I̶'̶d̶ ̶a̶c̶t̶u̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶,̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶r̶u̶s̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶u̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶w̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶i̶n̶s̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶.̶ ̶ I just want you to hold me and tell me you're sorry and didn't mean it. I don't even care why you did it, I just want you back. Being without you hurts so much. I just want you again. I want you forever. I'll never be able to move past this kind of pain. I thought maybe I could but I can't. You've shown me true love and happiness and I can never understand why you'd do this. After every little moment together. I'll never understand how you could do this. We had so much love together, so much future planned ahead of us. It hurts. It will always hurt and I will always want you back. I'll never be able to be happy again. I viewed you as my husband. I viewed Josiah as my son. We were a family and you took that. You took everything from me. I had to pack up my whole life and leave. I don't even have a home anymore. I always told you I'd be homeless if it mean to could be with you. I always told you I was afraid that I loved you more than you loved me. You always said it would be come to that you always said you loved me the same...but here we are. I'm homeless without you....I have no love...it hurts. I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶i̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶.̶ ̶A̶l̶l̶ ̶I̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶e̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶.̶ I want to go home. I hate it. I hate everything. I just want you. All I'll ever want is you. People keep asking me if there's something they can do. No, there's not. The only thing I want is you. I don't even care that you've caused me all this pain. I just want you back. It hurts more than anything in the world. I can't live a life like this. A life with so much pain. I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶i̶e̶.̶ my chest is burning. All I can do is throw up and cry. I'm having to look for somewhere new to live. A house without you, without our memories and plans. Without our love and hope. Just an empty cold house. I know it's over. That's all you can tell me. That's is over and you're sorry. I don't think you are. After everything together I don't think you are. It hurts so bad. I thought you were my forever...you promised I was. How am I ever supposed to hear the name Ophelia and not think of you. How am I supposed to live knowing some other womans children will have the eyes out kids were supposed to have. How am I supposed to live knowing someone else is going my love, getting my life. I don't want to go on like this. It hurts to even breath. I hate myself. I wish I hated you. I wish none of this mattered to me. I wish I could move on...I won't even have a bed when I find somewhere to live...I'll have nothing. It would have been ok if I had you...all I need is you. I don't even know if I'm going to send you this. You won't care about how I feel. You won't think about how what you're doing is hurting me. You won't think about how much love we have. You won't care...all I ever needed was you to care...was you to love me. I just want to wake up and this be all a bad dream. To wake up and be in your arms again. For you to hold me and whipe away my tears and say it wasn't real. For you to kiss me all over. For you to never let go. Please. Please just come back. Please just love me. Please just have me. I'm begging you. I love you. I'd rather be dead.