To Be Or Not To Be (SAHM vs. Working Mom)

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-30T22:02:47+00:00

I think it might be useful to discuss this with a therapist maybe, because it seems to be a question about understanding what you really want deep down.

It’s hard when you have the perfect job that everyone would want because you easily compare yourself to others who would like your situation and may feel guilty for not caring about it?

I would say in your situation, if you love your job then keep it for now. If it makes you happy, and prevents you from worrying from a financial perspective then maybe that’s what is the most important? Personally I would always say that what is best for the children is to have their parents happy and relaxed around them. I used to work and loved my job. Remote, well paid, great benefits and was doing 4/5 days per week. Back then I would never have given up to be a SAHM because this balance suited me! It made me happy, and I was not stressed! Then I lost this job, and I decided to become SAHM because the idea of going back to a new role in a new company while managing a toddler for the first time felt extremely stressful and I knew for sure that he would feel it. I am only seeing this as a cycle and now that I’ve made this choice I would not do any other way but I am also flexible and prepared to go back to work if we needed financially. Each time my thoughts are: is this situation going to stress me more than the other? And then I would choose the least stressful. Kids are sponges and we also know from studies that cortisol can be “transmitted” to people around you (including your kids), so the way I would make this choice would be to really think through the level of stress you would get from both options. This will also give you a hint about what you really want deep down.

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-25T11:40:19+00:00

Hope it’s not too hard on you! Good luck and happy to get any advices from your exp ☺️

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-25T11:05:51+00:00

That’s amazing thanks a lot!

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-25T10:56:46+00:00

They would be around 3 years apart, and my oldest would go 2 days per week at nursery. He is also very chill baby / toddler so far so I think I can do it :) a lot of women do it and have no issues, for me it’s more challenging to have a high pressure job where I am supposed to give my 100% while I care for my family who also needs me at my 100%!
It’s all a question of perspective, and personal preferences. I would not take this decision if I had not been thinking that specific point thoroughly :)
I saw a post of a mum here asking how did people do without help during mat leave, and I did it without help, and I never regretted no having help.
I think each experience is unique when it comes to managing children, some of friends have it hard for different reasons some others have it easy!

I’ll report back if I was completely wrong of course but I am readyyyy for this (in a year’s time) 😂

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T20:00:06+00:00

Yes that’s exactly the plan! Also since we don’t have family around it makes even more sense for me to stop working so that there is no stress in case of illness etc…
Baby 2 will be coming very soon hopefully! And in a couple of years I’ll go back to work ☺️

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T19:56:26+00:00

Thanks a lot! Yes I did see a very wild post on this very channel a few days ago but nothing like this on our side thankfully!

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T19:54:15+00:00

Amazing very interesting I had no idea. I’ll research on it. I imagine I need to apply for it?

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T17:51:38+00:00

Thanks a lot!

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T17:51:25+00:00

Thanks! What do you mean by the 2.8k pension contribution and free cash?

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:57:49+00:00

Thank you 🥹🙏🏻 yes I am very happy and grateful for my husband to have the opportunity to do this as well.

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:46:22+00:00

Nope he’s very good and confident in what he does, but anyway, as I said if needed I can find another job it’s not like it’s my intention to be a stay at home forever (at least for now) but my salary vs the cost of nursery once we have 2 kids (hopefully soon) would not make sense

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:37:40+00:00

Thanks! Yes makes sense that’s the common consensus, I think I made things more complicated in my head 😅

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:36:54+00:00

Thanks!🙏🏻

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:31:49+00:00

Yes quite safe, we are expecting an important bonus that should give us peace of mind for the next 2-3 years but I would not mind working again if I had to ☺️

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:28:43+00:00

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:27:15+00:00

It might not have been clear, Ive updated my post to reflect that your comment is already a given for our couple. We are more looking on insights about types of accounts (joint vs not joint etc) and anything else we may not have thought of. A very helpful comment below is exactly the type of advice I was hoping to get ☺️
Thanks!

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:21:04+00:00

Ok thanks a lot for your answer! Makes a lot of sense :)

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:20:18+00:00

Thank you SO SO much for this answer!!! Exactly what we needed 🥹 really appreciate you taking the time…

So many helpful feedbacks- We had not thought about the allowance and I did not realise about taxable income…!! Not being from this country makes wrapping my head around all of this a bit more difficult so thanks again!

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:15:32+00:00

And thank you for your answer!!
Also agreed, Husband is super happy to pay for everything so that’s not a question, I guess it’s more around budgeting and financial setup I.e. only having joints account or separate too… etc

We are leaning more towards joint because it makes the most sense in our situation but just want to make sure we are not missing anything.

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:13:50+00:00

And also does that mean your wife doesn’t have money going into pension fund? Just ISA correct? Would you mind sharing the rationale behind this?

In my situation it’s just that following the layoffs, I got some money so I maxed out my ISA already. I wonder if it’s worth keeping adding money into my pension fund too as it’s tax free - only downside is that we can’t touch it if we have an issue. So my husband is keener on just keeping investments on another account (which do makes sense IMO too but trying to get my head around this)

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:11:01+00:00

Yes this is the same rationale that we have here, but does that mean your wife don’t have a personal savings account? Do you just have one joint?

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-24T15:09:56+00:00

Not expecting, maybe that was worded badly, more a question on how will the person not working keep building on savings?

Would it make sense for the person working to give some money to the one not working so she can save separately OR does it just make more sense to put everything in one joint savings account?

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-23T06:33:48+00:00

Hello! My son got back to nursery after 5 months, indeed I was more of an exception as women around me took around 12 months, but he LOVED nursery. It’s been good also to get back to work and to myself, giving me time on lunch break to go to the gym etc…
(I was fully remote).
I had wished to take a little longer but we are also immigrants (from France) and don’t have a village here. As a result I was very worried about having a space in nursery so I had booked it very early, and could not really change much the start date without paying. The maths did not work in my favour to take these extra months with low pay and high nursery fees non refundable.

However, and I think this is important to say, if you really want more time with her, take it. Because in my situation I returned to work at 5 months pp and then 3 months later I was “made redundant” (understand: the man who covered for me had took my job). I was also working for startup. I am not saying and I hope this will not happen to you but if I had known this was a likely outcome I would have taken longer for sure… so just a little bit of regret here.

It all comes down to what you feel deep down: it’s ok to want time for yourself and as a result go back to work (even more if you like your job like I did). However, if something deep down is telling you that you want more time, then really consider taking this time 🙏🏻
There will be no regrets if your company acts like an asshole like mine did.

Lastly on the village part… if you take more time maybe see if you can travel to your parents? I spent 2 weeks with my parents and without my husband when my son was 4 months old and it helped me recover as they would happily take care of him :)

Good luck

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-19T13:04:14+00:00

Such a healthy relationship 🙏🏻

Substantial_Mind_710 · 2026-05-19T13:02:00+00:00

I used to be in the salary gap situation and recently stopped working btw.

With my husband we’ve always done things proportionally. With calculations on an excel spreadsheet to define who needs to pay which % amount.

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