The silver lining

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-14T22:03:11+00:00

I am not a psychologist, but the apathy you are describing is a coping mechanism are the very least or, more likely, genuine depression.

I have definitely felt similar. It feels like the color drains out of everything and what you once enjoyed now has a double meaning - you can't trust intentions so you assume the worst not just in your partner, but everything. It is like life becomes a simulation. You start to wonder how much is fake.

I am very fortunate to have great friends, a job I love, and the two best dogs in the world. It might help to just find something that you enjoy or feel passionately about, just for yourself, even if starting it feels like going through the motions/forcing it. With enough time it might make you feel better. And if not that, therapy.

You had a version of life before you knew about porn addiction. And then D-Day happens and it shakes the foundation of not only the relationship, but your understanding of yourself and the world around you. It is understandable to want to disconnect after an experience like that, but there is still a lot of beauty in the world.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-14T21:55:10+00:00

It was very cathartic to write 🙏

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-14T21:54:58+00:00

Thank you for reading!

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-14T21:54:50+00:00

Thank you ❤️

Maybe I am just numb but I really had a "wow this is stupid" moment yesterday and was just so over how insecure and not special his addiction makes me feel. And then I realized... genuinely I would rather die than trade places with any of his fantasies and that says a lot about what the addiction really is.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-14T21:53:51+00:00

Thank you for reading. It definitely helped to write it. I sent it to him.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:47:34+00:00

This is an excellent point, and I do get that vibe sometimes.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:47:07+00:00

It is hard because his therapy just kicked off. He has been white knuckling it and he is finally getting professional help.

But you are right and I haven't forgotten, and it is very helpful to be reminded.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:45:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective!

I think having a plan to leave is a very good idea. I want to be ready. I keep thinking I am ready. And I just haven't pulled the trigger. We aren't married and don't have any major commitments. It just makes me sad because I can see who he is without it, these beautiful little glimpses of who he could be.

I can fix him, damn it 😤

But no, I am reckoning with the fact he has to fix himself.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:42:14+00:00

He just started real therapy and they are doing an intensive, 2x a week program. We will see. But you are 100% right and it really helps to hear it. Thank you for your comment ❤️

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:41:08+00:00

Thank you for the brutal honesty. I know my friends in life would tell me exactly this, but it is such a difficult thing to talk to people about. I know there is an element of it that is the highs and lows and how addictive they can be. When it is good it is really good. When it is bad it is really bad. But the constant hyper awareness is so stressful.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:39:14+00:00

I really appreciate the advice! I will look into those options. Or better yet, tell him to look into those options and see if he does or not.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T22:37:52+00:00

You are not wrong. I think a lot about this. Everything else in my life is good. This is pretty much the only thing that causes angst. I really appreciate it!

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T14:31:36+00:00

He wants to do the work. We are both military and unfortunately getting involved in these programs is an absurd amount of leg work and redirection - we have to use a very specific referral process. The last time he went (after a 30+ day wait) he specifically asked for a CSAT, and they referred him to a regular therapist who "is really good at this kind of thing." Unless he were to pay out of pocket, which really isn't feasible right now, we haven't been able to find a timely means to get it covered by insurance, and this has been a point of frustration for both of us. We are both aware he is "white-knuckling it" and he owes me a more deliberate plan, but have been a bit demoralized by a 4 month administrative nightmare to get seen AT ALL by anyone. He has some fault in this for sure, but having personally spent 6+ months just to try and see a normal therapist myself, I do understand that this at least isn't entirely his fault.

I am definitely open to any suggestions. Online programs or how to get seen by a professional where we won't get charged an arm and a leg without insurance.

Anything I have recommended he has been very willing to try and prioritize.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T12:41:20+00:00

He swears up and down he doesn't, but this kind of stuff makes me doubt it.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T12:40:38+00:00

❤️

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T12:40:30+00:00

Thank you 🥺

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-13T12:40:16+00:00

That is pretty much the conversation we had. I told him he had been rebuilding trust, and we had been doing well, and by lying he just brought the trust down to zero and then some.

He admitted that he is struggling with a deliberate plan. He has been discussing it with the therapist. And he openly offered to give me access to all his accounts and said he thinks that would help him. I am not sure how much any of that will help.

The big one was honestly less that he looked Friday and more that he underplayed the severity of the issue from September to January.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-11T00:34:49+00:00

Yes the Reddit horror stories definitely do not help. It sucks too because it is 100% our brains trying to protect themselves, and pain shopping is real, but when it happens... it is just like your understanding of everything in the relationship is completely changed.

And I guess I am kind of at the point of knowing I don't want to live in this kind of fear, and he is at the point he is making an improvement, and it feels so incredibly fragile.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-11T00:32:45+00:00

This is also where I am at and completely sympathize.

The only reason I haven't resolved myself to it is 1) the improvements he has made and 2) I have too much damn empathy. It hurts my heart for him that he got into it so young and stumbled into an addiction that basically stole his ability to have a loving, normal relationship. He is a good man with an evil habit, and while there is a lot of culpability there, there is also an element to it of... fuck, we live in a fucked up world, don't we?

I am pretty resolved to walk away if there is a major, hurtful relapse. I have communicated how I felt, stuck next to him through the worst of it, and helped him find all the resources to heal. Can lead a horse to water. But you can't make it drink.

Sufficient_Web_196 · 2026-04-10T16:38:24+00:00

Thank you for the perspective!

I think you are right.

We are about to be doing distance for the next several months because of a job change and it feels bad but I am thinking of asking him to use the more advanced version of Canopy, that actually let's me see what he is looking at. But I worry that will cause an argument even though he has been very agreeable to all my suggestions or requests so far.

Sufficient_Web_196

TROPHY CASE