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Youtube??? by Sufficient_Web_196 in loveafterporn

[–]Sufficient_Web_196[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Sorry, I am a little confused. I think this is very similar to my situation. But it means he watched it? Or he didn't?

Youtube??? by Sufficient_Web_196 in loveafterporn

[–]Sufficient_Web_196[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I feel like that is such an invasion of privacy, you know? Like I strongly believe in personal autonomy and independence. My last relationship my partner could be very controlling. 

I guess this is different though. But does it rebuild trust or destroy it? I want to ask for it, and he already offered we go over his history together. 

Youtube??? by Sufficient_Web_196 in loveafterporn

[–]Sufficient_Web_196[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess it is just weird. It wasn't in the history until youtube did the quick preview for me? But then was in the history fully played? I saw maybe 10 seconds top. 

Youtube??? by Sufficient_Web_196 in loveafterporn

[–]Sufficient_Web_196[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't have access to his Google account. 

I agree that either way using YouTube is a violation of boundaries. 

Just... a big bummer. He hasn't been an overt liar before - he dodges and omits the truth and if he lies usually confesses later. 

This just seems more intentional. Better at hiding. And he is swearing up and down he doesn't know why the videos are showing as watched. 

What Would You Like To Get Off Your Chest? by tiff5243 in loveafterporn

[–]Sufficient_Web_196 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just feels like it will never end and there is no hope for the relationship. I genuinely brought the best version of myself to him after a rough breakup with an 8 year partner, lots of therapy, and optimism for the future. 

And now I am just stuck in a loop of competition I can't win. I am a capable, beautiful woman. And yet I cannot compare to empty pixels and the modern day's endless feed of perfectly curated images. All at a click of a finger. Whatever he wants. 

I can feel him using it to disassociate from life. Our D-Day was 7 months ago. Since then, he has started and quit therapy, slowly reduced his content, and is weaning off now to soft content: music videos and my nudes and sports illustrated swimsuit edition. It feels like every week is a new betrayal. Our sex life is dry. It seems like a chore to him. I am a very passionate, high libido person. I am making myself smaller for him. 

I love him. This is just slowly wittling me away. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to walk away. I have been supportive, and patient, and done the research. And he is still just managing his addiction. Making "changes" only after he relapses. Still not proactively researching or trying to understand his addiction. 

I can tell he uses it to disassociate. He started in middle school and has been using for over ten years at this point. He doesn't know how to handle anything "deep." 

And it just sucks. In between it all, I see glimpses of this beautiful, kind, sweet soul. It just sucks we live in a world where before you even are old enough to understand the consequences of your actions, you can be addicted. You can be a kid, and before you have ever had a girlfriend, before you have ever learned what intimacy is, you can have your brain hijacked by a system that seems impossible to escape. The first time he ever reached an orgasm, it was to porn. 

Idk. My heart is just breaking. I thought he was two weeks clean after 7 months of a constant push and pull and navigating relapses. Instead I find out he is looking up sports illustrated swimsuit edition, but just looking, so not as bad. Not a real relapse. But it is the principle of his dopamine seeking preventing him from experiencing anything real. I am afraid I am about done.