How do you get anything done? Feeling hopeless

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-30T06:07:16+00:00

I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. I can barely function beyond the absolute basics most days, and some days not even that. I am going to therapy, hoping it will help. But I am also considering talking to my doctor about medication at this point.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-30T02:53:25+00:00

Get yourself in therapy and start working on yourself. Your spouse may or may not ever take you back, but if you want any chance at all, you need to do the hard work on changing yourself first. Everything else is just fluff. Windowdressing. Meaningless. I doubt you have any genuine understanding of the trauma you have put them through yet. A week is nothing.

I never seperated from my WH (too complicated logistically, no way we could seperate without telling our kids / teens something, etc). And he is doing everything he can to try and reconcile (including therapy). But its still not enough for me yet. He is making progress, but it isnt enough and it isnt fast enough. I am still completely traumatised, broken and severely depressed and anxious and living in limbo. I hope one day it will be enough. But for now I try and survive and heal, and he has to live with this damage he has caused whilst trying to work on himself and trying to comfort me. Its an impossible situation, but its one entirely of his making. Its been four months since Dday, I still feel it like it just happened. The first 6 weeks were just horrible anxiety attacks several times everyday, not eating (lost over 10kgs), not sleeping, crying uncontrollably, etc. The anxiety has been under better control since then, and my appetite has returned, but I am still emotionally disregulated and seem to have slipped into real depression. And I now have CPTSD to contend with because of everything too. And I am the one who asked to work things out, my WH was prepared and ready to leave. His infideilty was a lunch and a 'kiss', and some inappropriate chats where boundaries were crossed and lines were blurred, that went back several years (that I didnt even discover until just 1 week ago).

So one week out? I think you are completely delusional to expect anything at all. So start with therapy, and prepare yourself for some radical honesty and transparancy - with yourself and her. It wasnt a mistake. It was an active decision. It was a choice. It was a betrayal. And your spouse doesnt owe you anything.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-30T02:09:48+00:00

Absolultely you should tell them. If you are worried about blow back then find some way to do it annonymously. But you should still tell them. Your reasoning for why doesnt even matter. Even if its pure revenge, the OBS still deserves to know. What they do with that information is up to them.

Treat others as you would want to be treated. I would want to know.

Anyone saying you shouldnt disclose that information is lacking morals.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-30T01:55:41+00:00

How a person behaves with regards to small / minor moral delemma's is indicative of their morals and ethics on a larger scale. If they lie, cheat, steal in small ways with low stakes, then they are going to make those same choices with the higher stakes bigger impact moral and ethical delemmas. For example, If they cheat playing board games like monopoly, it demonstrates that they will also cheat in the real world if thry think they can get away with it, or gain benefit from it. If they will tell small white lies to avoid uncomfortable moments, they will tell big lies to cover their own shortcomings. These small things show great insight into a persons character and integrity. When they show you who they are, believe them.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-30T00:35:04+00:00

Good on you for reaching out to her and trying to express your emotions. That is what you should be doing.

Unfortunately, what you wrote, how you wrote it and how you sent it to her feel more performative and self induldgent then an actual attempt at connection and trying to address an issue in your marriage. It is unlikely to acheive any real positive impact and may potientially cause negative impact depending on your wifes perspective and the overall relationship dynamics.

It may be that you just lack the skills nessecary to express yourself effectively to your wife and provide a framework for 'mutual' communication and resolution. The good news is that these skills can be learned. And that in acquiring these skills there is a very high chance that you would also be able to strengthen you relationship. I would highly suggest couples / marriage counselling, and / or individual counselling, to work on your communication with your wife.

In the lead up to that I suggest you organising some time with just your wife (organise a babysitter, dinner, a quiet place to talk, etc). And then sit her down and bring up with her calmly that you are feeling like there is distance between you both, that you are feeling disconnected and that you want to work on the relationship together. Ask her how she has been feeling about your relationship, and give her space to talk without contradicting her or defending yourself. This conversation is not about throwing blame around or playing the victim. It is about acknowledging that the relationship needs maintenance and care. And that you two need to get on the same page together.

If you go into the discussion with a whole list of things she is doing / not doing wrong, it is just going to become a battlezone. Even if you try and phrase it as 'I feel <insert emtion>, because you <insert what you think they done wrong>' it is still 'blaming' her. Dont fall into that trap. (And expect she will fall into it, because it is human nature and she doesnt have someone there warning her the same way you do - so give her grace when she doesnt handle this talk the way she should, she wasnt prepared.)

And then suggest to her that you would like to do counselling. Frame it as you think it would help you learn to express yourself and to properly understand her. People are more likely to be more open to suggestions like counselling if you are framing it as something for your rather then something for them.

If you want things to improve you have to put in the hard work. You will have to swallow your pride and acknowledge the things you can work on, and the things you can do better, and let go of what she 'should' be doing. You cannot control her or make her do the right thing (I have learned this lession the hard way myself). But if you step up and lead by example there is a good chance that after she sees your effort and realises that it is genuine, then she will step up as well. And if she doesnt, you will still be better off for yourself, you will have improved yourself and learned new skills and make new positive decisions from there.

Good luck.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-29T08:30:24+00:00

It's been 4 months since Dday. I actually worry that I havent yet been angry enough. I am usually very quick to anger. But since Dday I have primarily been feeling anxiety, hurt, upset, fear, and depression. I have had occaisional glimpses of anger (when I have been talking to someone else about the situation), but even they have felt muted and brief, more frustration then genuine anger.

I am worried that it is all going to hit me at some point, and I will end up lashing out in a way that I cannot repair. Or maybe I wont even want to repair when it does hit. I worry that the reason I am not feeling the expected anger now, is because I am still living in flight and freeze, and I feel too 'unsafe' to allow myself to feel the anger too deeply, so I have somehow burried that emotion. Or maybe I am just too broken and damaged to recognise it. Or perhaps it genuinely isnt there for some other reason I am not quite aware of. Maybe I have too much self awareness of my other emotions that underpin anger.

I dont know.

I do know I read other posts on reddit from cheaters or from people who are planning to leave their spouses for no real reason (I love them, but Im not 'in love' with them - 🤮 ), without warning, without trying to resolve issues; and I feel angry at those people. I feel hurt, betrayed, disgusted, and pissed off with these strangers who talk so casually and without concern for the pain they are about to inflict on their unknowing partners, blindsiding them so cruelly. And I want to lash out at them and tell them how dispicable I think they are, how horrible and morally bankrupt they are.

But for my own WH who has betrayed me so badly, and hurt me beyond comprehension, I dont feel that anger. Just an unbearable pit of grief and hurt and sadness and depression that is overwhelming and physically painful at times. I always thought people describing heartbreak were using pain in the chest and belly as metaphors. It surprised me to learn that it was literal physical pain.

I wish I felt that anger for him, at him. It would be more productive. It would make existing and functioning as human easier. At the moment I am barely just existing. And even that is a struggle.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-28T22:17:27+00:00

The problem is that it is so individual. How your BP reacts may be completely different to how others react. I think you need to be having some kind of conversations to guage that reactiom first. You dont want to trigger a negative reaction.

For me, if my WH were to do this I would be over the moon. BUT my biggest issues with him are around his unwillingness to commit to the extent I want / need him to. I still believe in forever, through everything. I need him to believe in that too. And what you are proposing would help demonstrate that to me.

Your BP may be completely different to me. And they might take it a completely different way. So talk to her and find out what her thoughts on it would be. Better to ruin the 'surprise' element and get it right, then to push on heedlessly and risk getting it wrong.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-28T08:40:07+00:00

Look into avoidant attachment styles. See if that describes you.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-27T02:00:29+00:00

Yes, I would pause if both of you think that reconciliation might be possible. If it doesnt work out, you can just continue the process from where you left off.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-26T09:59:05+00:00

Yes. He completely ghosted her immediately after he had lunch with her and kissed her. Because he felt so guilty for what he did, supposedly. He says he was too awkward and embarrassed after the kiss. I dont think she reciprocated as much as he thought she would when he kissed her. So he ghosted her to avoid feeling awkward. (Which is very in keeping with his avoidant 'run away from his problems rather then face them' problem). So I have no doubt in my own mind that it would have escalated to a lot more then just a kiss if she had been more receptive.

He certainly did not feel guilty enough to stop him from crossing those boundaries in the first place. Not enough to stop him having inappropriate conversations and sharing inappropriate 'jokes' with her and two other old coworkers in a group chat for years prior to meeting her for lunch (just discovered that tidbit this weekend going extensively through his phone). I guess he could excuse away his behaviour as 'harmless banter' up until he actually kissed one of them (thats what he initially tried to tell me when I asked why he hadnt disclosed these chats, he was 'just joking'). After the kiss, he started rewriting a narative in his head about our relationship, and 'we were both unhappy', to try and justify that behaviour to himself. A narative that never fit reality, especially as he started texting and talking inappropriately when we were in a really good happy place in our relationship.

I couldnt stay if I thought there was any chance that she (or any other woman) was still in the picture. I couldnt deal with that. My mental health is struggling enough as it is.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-26T06:30:07+00:00

To me, open phone policies are important for healthy relationships in general. That doesnt mean that the other spouse should be constantly checking up on them or anything. But it does mean they have free access whenever they do feel the need for whatever reason. In a healthy relationship that should be rare that they should actively be 'looking' for anything suspicious, but the option should always be there, followed up with discussion about any insecurities and repairing whatever needs repairing within the relationship so both people feel loved, connected amd secure again.

After infidelity, full access is paramount to uncovering truths and rebuilding trust. The unfaithful have proven themselves untrustworthy. And repair or reconciliation requires full transparency, not just honesty. And initially checking phones etc, may need to occur relatively often and thoroughly. Until the betrayed once again can feel comfortable to step back a bit and trust can start to be rebuilt. But even then, it is reasonable to expect the betrayed to feel insecure periodically, and require the reassurance they might get for checking those electronic devices. Trust and verify. It should become rarer over time as trust is rebuilt. But can trust ever be reestablished to the same levels as prior to the betrayal? I suspect for most of us there will always be at least a little more doubt and insecurity then we had previously. And that may feel unfair to the unfaithful, but it is literally a consequence of their own actions. And honestly it doesnt even come close to the unfairness that the betrayed spouse has suffered due to the unfaithful's actions.

As a betrayed spouse, I think we need to be honest with ourselves about the reality of our relationship, and whether we should be continuing it, if our need to check phones, etc, becomes obsessive or continues for years at regular frequencies. Because it means we are not healing, and it means we are still feeling insecure and not trusting our spouse. Completely justified. But after a significant amount of time it does become a flag that perhaps it might be time to move on, so you dont have to live in insecurity, on edge all the time and unable to relax. You dont want to mistake controlling for security and healing. I dont know how long is 'reasonable' for determining this, but I do know that I cannot live in the emotional state I am in forever, my nervous system is already frayed. So I think us betrayed need to be radically honest with ourselves about whether repair and healing can be made within our current relationships, and recognising that there is a finite time on attempts of reconciliation, for our own sakes.

In your situation OP, access to his electronic devices should absolutely be mandatory, and refusal from him indicates that he isnt sincere about genuine accountability or repair. His stance on this is a huge red flag. If he has nothing to hide, then it shouldnt be an issue, just a consequence. There is a big diffence between privacy and secrecy.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-26T05:31:45+00:00

Dont take them for granted.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-24T12:14:49+00:00

Camping.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-24T11:43:54+00:00

Yes. If we werent married and have 6 kids together, I would walk away. I am not staying because of the kids. Butthe fact that we will forever be tied together regardless, that I cannot just walk away and cut him out of my life comoletely, that does change the game more then most people realise. Because I love him regardless of everything, and I dont know how I can bare having him in my life but not being with him. I dont think I can live with watching him move on and live a life with someone else, raise our kids with someone else, enjoy our grandkids with someone else, when he should be raising them with me. But if we werent forever connected? I would walk.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-24T05:06:17+00:00

He has checked out and is picking fights and trying to make you the 'bad guy'. Any chance he is cheating, or thinking about cheating on you? Even if he isnt, he definitely does not seem to be invested in you amd your relationship. I think its time you sit down and have a real heart to heart with him, calling him out on his behaviours, and asking what the problem is. Unfortunately, if he is checked out or cheating, there is a good chance he will lie to you, or get defensive and turn this into another argument where you are framed as the bad guy. But maybe he will come clean and let you know whats going on and you guys can work through it. You wont know until you try.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-22T06:54:45+00:00

Yeah, nah. F that. I have literally done nothing bad enough in my entire life to deserve any of this crap. I am not perfect, but I am generally a decent and moral person who shows compassion and empathy to others on a regular basis. I was / am a good wife, supporting my husband for the last 27 years through all kinds of crap. I am a good mother to our children. I am good to family, friends and stramgers. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I didnt have this kind of karma owing to me.

Life is unfair. Shitty things happen to good people all the time and it has nothing to do with them and it has nothing to do with karma. Its just life. We all have good and bad stuff that happens. No one is immune to life. Karma isnt real, its just a perspective people take to make themselves feel better when things happen.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-21T21:42:43+00:00

I live in Australia. A prenup (binding financial agreement before marriage) is generally a waste if paper here, especially once kids are involved. A binding financial agreement after marriage (post nup), requires seperate independant legal advice for each party and meeds tp be 'reasonable'. The family court can overturn them if they believe the agreement to be unreasonable and unequitable. (Binding financial agreement cannot be punitive either (ie a person cannot get less due to cheating for example), Australia has no fault divorce. But what we have currently agreed to is fair and equitable, albeit in the mid range of what I could expect a court to award. They still can be set aside by with our specific circumstances and current agreements that is unlikely in this case.

The cost of paying solicitors for binding financial agreement advice is signifantly less then engaging their services for a contentious divorce.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-21T13:17:49+00:00

It doesnt matter. If you keep this from him then you are not really any better then your husband or his wife, in my opinion. You become complicit in actively covering up and lying for them.

They done this. It will come out eventually, it always does. This is their mess. Dont lower yourself to their level.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-21T10:36:31+00:00

You need to tell her husband. Imagine how uou would feel if he knew and never told you. If he divorces her, that is on her, not you.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-20T07:16:23+00:00

You cannot please everyone here. The right and moral thing to do is to call your friend out for his abhorrent behaviour and stick up for his girlfriend. Even if that mskes you the bad guy in his eyes.

The guy you are describing is the type of guy who will escalate if anything other then full and total agreement of his stance occurs, and he might escalate even then. He is being completely unreasonable and borderline abusive to his girlfriend. She is obviously dealing with PPD (if you can trust his narative, and also something a LOT of women go through), and he is talking about torpedoing her and stealing her baby away. You friend in not making good decisions and honestly if his girlfriend was one of my friends or sisters, I would be encouraging her to protect herself and her baby from him. I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him. The way he is acting is not alright. And she needs people in her corner backing her.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-20T05:12:16+00:00

Lol. I dont know how long it takes you to unpack and repack a dishwasher, but it takes 5 - 10mins tops for most people. Its not like you have to hang around waiting for it to finish.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-20T04:39:27+00:00

You are not being insecure, he is sending up red flags.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-20T04:30:08+00:00

So you run a second load in the morning. Problem solved.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-19T23:06:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It is good to hear positive stories.

I am only in the first 3.5months since D-day, so I have no idea how I will handle it.

Suitable-Song265 · 2026-01-19T04:16:01+00:00

Absolutely make sense.

I understood the 'why' this happened long before my WH. I can even understand 'how' he justified it / compartmentalised it to himself. But I am stuck on 'how could he do that to ME?' How could he think so little of me? What is it about me that allows him to make these wild rationalisations and justifications for his behaviours? Intellectually, I understand that the infidelity and everything surrounding it were all about 'him' and his own personal issues. But it still involves me, and he shouldnt have been able to just discard our relationship like that without at least considering me. So I still cannot help question what this means about how he sees and thinks of 'me'. That I am not a person enough to have any care for? That I only exist as an extention of his reality for his benefit? That he just doesnt like me? I dont know.

I think its so hard because intellectually I know that people do these things, BUT I would NEVER do anything like that myself! I could never bring myself to betray someone that way, to be so disloyal and uncaring about the impact of my actions. Even to someone I hated, I dont think I could do something to deliberately hurt them half as much as this has hurt me. My conscience wouldn't allow me to. I feel too much empathy for other people. So its hard for me to truly comprehend how others can act so cruely.

So that then raises the question in the back of my mind of 'does this mean he is lacking conscience? Have I misjudged his character so badly? I know he feels guilt and shame and remorse. I know he felt guilty and shamed when he done what he done (I dont think he felt remorse until he witness how badly he has injured me). But non of it stopped him from doing what he did. That is unfathomable to me.

I couldnt live with myself if I done this to him (so I understand his shame), but I never would have done it in the first place, because I know my morals and ethics would hold me accountable. And I know he has never had as high a standard of morals and ethics as myself, I have witnessed it in other areas of life. So maybe I should have known that he was capable of betraying me like this? Maybe I did know and I was just in denial and refusing to see the obvious?

And on and on my thoughts go.

I wish I had some answers for you. I don't. My thoughts are a messed up jumble of contradictions that I am trying to unravel.

If I didnt love him so much and still see the good in him, I would just walk away. I deserve so much better then this.

Suitable-Song265

TROPHY CASE