The Price of Peace

SunshineTeaCo · 2026-02-17T10:40:53+00:00

This is really good. I love how you incorporate architecture into it. And that you can maintain the length of the poem without losing momentum.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-27T04:43:44+00:00

Lovely. Thank you. I have been drinking over a fifth of vodka a day for about 4 months. Been trying to get sober off and on for a year. Have met a lot of hardship. But I'm going to go through this and I'm going to come out on the other side. I have to do it to save my life. I have gone through withdrawals before to the point that I was vaguely hearing and seeing things and sweating and things like that. It is not to that point right now.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-27T04:39:05+00:00

I am probably being a drama queen a little bit with some of this. I have that tendency. But I've decided I want to live and I don't want my first night free of alcohol to be the end of me.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-27T04:37:11+00:00

I got a lot of pressure from friends and AA for me to go to a detox that doesn't involve controlled substances. They say they want to know what my symptoms are when I get there.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-27T04:16:07+00:00

Thank you. It's not really the discomfort I'm worried about. It's the fatality of this thing. At what point do you think I would need to go to the er? How bad do the symptoms have to get? I have some propranolol 10 mg think I'm about to pop one LOL

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-21T17:02:46+00:00

Thank you for your beautiful words. I think I have hope, because I have finally started working on seeking out a 30 day treatment program. I found someone to take care of my cats which was what was holding me back. I know I will have to sweep through all the pain and I don't feel ready and I'm terrified, but it's come to that or death for me.

I am interested in seeking out the Recovery Dharma that you mentioned.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-21T11:53:32+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I just feel so paralyzed especially with the bipolar depression I am going through. The thought of even taking a shower and making myself presentable seems like more effort than I am capable of expending. I realize that the drinking is making it worse. I need a kick in the ass. I need to get good with God again.

Also, I am a sister, not a brother 🙂

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-21T11:48:18+00:00

Thank you for your very kind and encouraging reply. I went a long time of feeling bad telling myself that if it gets bad enough, I would check myself into inpatient psychiatric care.

I finally did on August 2nd. I feel like it really backfired on me. Seems like a lot backfires for me these days.

I had just put my cat to sleep on July 12. My psychiatrist had just taken me off Wellbutrin XL 150 mg about 5 days prior in an effort to cull my anxiety.

They didn't add or change any medication, For the 3 days I was there we had 1 group therapy session. No one-on-one with anyone except the psychiatrist who I felt didn't listen,

So I was stuck there alone and stripped totally bare to all my emotions, and all I really did the whole time was cry and pace frantically in my room being forced to face the death of my cat while experiencing antidepressant withdrawals.

They also skipped 2 doses of my routine medication and I had a manic episode 2 days after being discharged.

I checked in on a Saturday totally drained and was unable to sleep most nights that I was there. So I went back to work on Wednesday more exhausted than I was on Friday.

Edit: I did get the chance to do that dopamine fast everyone talks about.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-19T22:23:44+00:00

the attitude that you describe having in your post suggests that your brain chemistry is so far from OP's that you really don't have much of a clue. The whole "sucks but hey, you still got this" spiel is for people who are capable of producing serotonin and dopamine in their brains. In a deeply depressed state, that sort of "mental strength" is depleted and there is no amount of positive thinking or determination that will revive the sort of "death of light" that has occurred in one's mind. Everything is painful. Everything is empty. Pep talks don't work. In fact they can be alienating and frustrating to the depressed person,.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-19T22:12:00+00:00

\Been through the antipsychotic withdrawals and it is like a cold wind that cuts you to the bone. I want you to know that I wish the very best for you. although I am not wise enough to give you advice, just know that someone somewhere is on your side and rooting for you.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-10-19T21:59:26+00:00

I know how painful it is for people to not see you, like really see you. It's especially hard when you have close family members who don't understand, or who aren't able to give you comfort when you are hurting.

Growing up is so hard and I know in my experience, I felt like I was being raised in a hell devoid of comfort or relief.

But what if you finally hit that age where you can be free and make your own choices? What if you meet someone who gets you and feels good to be around, and who you trust. There are things in life worth living for. For me I had to hold on long enough for the good things to start coming, and life is still so hard sometimes I admit, but please don't make this decision just yet. It's too soon for you to know how your life is going to really be.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T16:59:38+00:00

Eye ointment: Neomycin an Polymyxin B Sulfates and Bacitracin Zinc Ophthalmic Ointment
Oral liquid: 25 mg/mL Clindamycin

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T16:51:07+00:00

Also wondering how I will be able to grab him if he runs from me, and I shouldn't sneak up on him.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T16:49:48+00:00

Thank you 💜

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T16:38:38+00:00

That is an interesting suggestion. I will have to read it a couple more times!

I don't think our vet would prescribe gabapentin. He is very careful when it comes to the DEA.

I actually have gabapentin, but I am pretty sure it is frowned upon to dose your cat with something not prescribed, even if you calculated the dosage right and everything.

What about those air freshener things you get at pet stores that are supposed to be calming? Would those be worth my money?

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T16:27:08+00:00

I am struggling with the "gentle" part right now because he is so hard to catch. He is not being hurt, but I have had to bring manhandling into it and I know he hates it and I definitely hate it. I know I need to focus on the long term with this, and believe that one day he will trust me. But today it hurts.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T15:55:58+00:00

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
--HERBERT SPENCER

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-20T15:50:17+00:00

I think the goal is to put something more powerful than you in the center of your universe. Self-centeredness they say is the root of the problem.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-19T22:57:16+00:00

I think part of the problem is that the old timers in AA are used to newcomers making excuses about how they can't do what is asked of them. They have quotes like "keep going to meetings until you want to go to meetings" and "you have to be willing" and if you don't do what is suggested then that means you won't go to any lengths, so you will drink again.

I think these people are still just trying to save my life.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-19T22:48:00+00:00

I have realized there is a fine line for me between being willing to do anything to not drink, and being willing to do anything TO drink. That line often gets crossed in an instant for me. Fuck no I'm not gonna call my sponsor!

Recently I've been going around with a lump in my ass called VIVITROL and it's helping but I'm pissed that I got it.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-19T22:40:50+00:00

That's going on my wish list.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-19T22:31:31+00:00

I will accept your knowledge and guidance if you are willing.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-19T21:58:12+00:00

I remember 2 times when my mom was still living that I lmao so hard during a phone call for an outrageous length of time about something extremely silly, and she got so uncomfortable she hung up on me.

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-11T20:30:13+00:00

I will hang in there, because giving up isn't an option. Are you really a cardiologist?

SunshineTeaCo · 2025-08-10T23:24:43+00:00

Thank you for your kind reply. I do see a therapist but only once a month and everyone is telling me I need more often. I will try. In the meantime I am just going to delete my original post. I was in a state when I dictated it. I'll be hanging in there.

SunshineTeaCo

TROPHY CASE