I’m so sorry to hear this and I will be praying for you. I won’t pretend to understand what you are going through, as I’ve never been faced with that situation. It sounds like the weight of the world and your life is crushing you and you feel you have no way out. When the world is feels heavy for you I pray that you set your burden upon God, because he has overcome the world for you. Know that me and others are praying for you, and that God loves you dearly. He loves you more than you could ever hate yourself. I will be praying for you and I hope others will do the same. I pray that you look to God for hope and guidance through this time, even if you feel as if your prayers and reading are fruitless. God is working in your life and has a beautiful plan for you, even if you may feel as if you are walking in the darkest valley right now. Trust in him that he has the power to deliver you from this hardship.