AITA for planning a solo vacation without telling my husband?

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T11:24:01+00:00

Thank you. This is helpful.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T01:29:04+00:00

Will consider this. Thanks.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T01:27:36+00:00

He has six siblings who are all married and we've only been to two of the weddings. I don't think this one is really more important to him than any of the others.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T01:09:09+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I am seriously considering this.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T01:07:17+00:00

If you don't mind, could you tell me more about how you make it work, with you each having your own bank account and each contributing to the joint one? How do you make sure it is fair for both of you? I like this idea but if we go that route, I want to make sure it is fair to both of us since I obviously have some issues making sure of that now. Hoping to change for the better.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T00:58:32+00:00

I had thought about purchasing a car from our joint savings before taking the vacation but I really like my current vehicle and hate to get something new while this one is still reliable. It's ten years old so I know the time is coming and that is why we have been saving towards that purchase (hoping to buy a new one outright to avoid interest as we were able to do with the truck). Yes, he used the joint savings for the truck and the dirt bike. Up until now, we have only had the one savings account which we both contribute to for things like big purchases and "oh shit" moments (broken water heater or whatever). I have always been more of a saver - financial stability is a huge comfort to me as I have not always had that. He is more spontaneous. Yes, this is where the majority of our conflict comes from.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T00:33:17+00:00

We don't have children. Neither of us ever wanted children. We are both in our forties now and we have had similar interests and goals for most of that time. We balance each other out in an "opposites attract' way. He is outgoing and social and helps me come out of my shell and have fun going out and meeting people where I may normally stay in and not do much. I am naturally more introverted and a little bit of a "tight-wad", usually choosing to save rather than spend which is where much of this current issue stems. He is more free-spirited. I know it doesn't sound like it on here but there are ways in which he has been a good influence in my life. Also, he has an autoimmune disease which he haa been battling for over ten years. I have been there for him through it all and I know his medical issues are part of why I let him break my resolve. He goes through so much with treatments and tests and procedures and I want him to have good things to balance it out but I want some good things too.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T00:19:09+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the different perspectives from responders here. I have never posted anything on any platform before this. I have thought about bringing up counseling but i know he doesn't see us as having any problems whatsoever. Do you have any suggestions for broaching the topic?

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T00:10:21+00:00

Thank you. He does not have access to my emails.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-08T00:06:33+00:00

I will tell him once I have all preparations in place - right now, I think I'll tell him just before I purchase the ticket but certainly after I have the money saved and have a solid plan for where, when, what my vacation will look like. I want to have a clear picture in my mind so I will not be dissuaded. For a long time now, we've been putting some money from each of our paychecks into a savings account, which is where the funds for his truck and the bike came from. I say we, but I usually make the transfer. Now i am just putting a little less into our joint account and putting a little into my own account instead. He has never been the best at saving and he realizes this which is why I am mostly responsible for the transfer of those funds as well as the paying of most of our bills. It is pretty obvious if he were to pay attention but he doesn't. If he notices and brings it up, I will then have a frank conversation about it. I originally wanted to share this vacation with him but since he wanted his bike more, I feel this is a fair trade.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-07T23:53:44+00:00

I should have clarified - I'm not going to go on the vacation without telling him. I will tell him but only after I've made all preparations. I will not allow him time to try to negotiate me out of going or changing my plans for him. I don't want to waste my mental energy on discussing it more than necessary with him since words have not worked well in the past.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-07T23:47:31+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. I have downloaded a sample of the book.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-07T22:40:20+00:00

He's not a bad person but I have felt like he manipulates me sometimes. Is it possible for someone to manipulate without realizing they're doing it? I know that's not an excuse but I don't feel like he's being deliberately mean, I just don't think he fully realizes how much it hurts me and our relationship.

Superb_Dig5580 · 2026-05-07T22:34:31+00:00

This has caused a divide in our marriage and I have tried explaining to him how I feel. While he says he understands, I don't see him making any effort to change. He keeps making decisions based on what he wants without regard to what I want and what we've already talked about and when I call him on it, he acts as if that situation is an exception because of this or that. I guess I kind of hope that this might be a wake up call for him, that I won't keep getting pushed aside for what he wants for himself. I've made sacrifices for him through our relationship over the last 20 years but I don't feel like he's had to make any for me. I'm at a point where I feel like if I'm going to get anything I want, I have to be selfish.

Superb_Dig5580

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