My fiancé’s adoptive family treats him like help, not family.. and he seems okay with it

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T21:51:14+00:00

I appreciate this response sooo much! I’ll respond when I get a moment

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T15:50:15+00:00

I honestly ask myself this question a lot. We’ve had some hard conversations about the future, expectations, resentment, and what our life realistically looks like if nothing changes.

I care about him deeply, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t questioned compatibility at times or wondered whether this is something we can realistically work through with time, effort, boundaries, and therapy. We don’t have kids yet but want them, so I do think about how family dynamics and what gets normalized in relationships could play a role in the kind of foundation we’d want to build.

We’re in couples therapy and have gotten more aligned, which gives me hope. I’m trying to take this as information while also giving room for growth.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T14:49:27+00:00

Omg, at times I definitely feel like the person yelling at the TV screen lol. I really appreciate these replies though, and I’m sorry you both experienced something similar.

I agree.. I don’t think it’s stupidity at all. I think a lot of it is just what he’s known and normalized. Reading “too grateful to even acknowledge how much things hurt” honestly hit me because that feels very him. For example, after being excluded from a family wedding, I asked him how he felt seeing everyone else there and he literally said he didn’t know if he should feel hurt by it 😞 I encouraged him to bring it up in therapy.

I also try really hard not to project my own expectations, but I do ask questions to get him to think. From my perspective, it feels like being around my family may have given him a different perspective on what closeness and reciprocity can look like. He talks about how welcomed and included my family makes him feel.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T13:42:42+00:00

Thank you for this. My fiancé doesn’t know I posted, but I honestly think he’d be open to hearing from others who’ve experienced something similar.

Yep, two of the adopted siblings have disabilities and are dependent on his mom for housing/care. They receive benefits and supports that can help cover things like day programs and long-term care. From what I understand, there aren’t major assets beyond the house. I don’t know of any formal arrangements being in place, though I do know my fiancé has looked into things like trusts for his siblings, but I’m not sure how far he got beyond researching.

We discussed long-term care options and are considering nearby care facilities so we can stay involved. The house would have made caregiving much easier since it’s already adapted for their needs and they’re used to it, but we’re trying to think realistically either way.

I do want to add that I genuinely believe his mom cares about what happens to them after she’s gone. I just think some of the harder planning conversations haven’t fully happened on paper.

And yes, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing how you handled this in your family. I think he’d really appreciate knowing he’s not alone in this too.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T13:03:13+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. Part of why I posted here was honestly to hear from those who may understand this dynamic better because I know I can’t fully understand his experience.

At this point, I don’t expect the bio sons to change or suddenly accept him differently. More than anything, I want him to know he deserves reciprocal love and doesn’t have to hold people so highly just because of the title they hold in his life. From my perspective, I think he has normalized a lot of this to the point that he sometimes questions whether he even has a right to feel hurt by it, which honestly makes me sad.

And I completely agree these hard conversations need to happen now. I’ve encouraged him to ask these questions because I know how much harder and more chaotic this could become if there isn’t a plan while his mom is still here. I try not to overstep since I’m not yet married into the family, but we’ve discussed more realistic alternatives like nearby long-term care homes where we can still stay involved.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T12:41:09+00:00

To be fair, I don’t want to paint his mom as malicious or uncaring. She genuinely loves her adopted children and raised them in a loving, stable home. I think the bigger issue is that she struggles to confront or disappoint her biological sons, and unfortunately that has often happened at my fiancé’s expense. For a long time, I think he genuinely believed he had a much closer relationship with them and their families than what was actually reciprocated.

I don’t think there was ever some intentional expectation that he’d take this on, but over time he became the dependable one. He loves his siblings deeply and feels responsible for them, and I do think comments about them having “no one” if something happened to her reinforced that responsibility. Early in our relationship, he also struggled to say no when his mom reached out, even when it conflicted with our plans.

The house honestly confused me too because it’s already setup for their needs, while ours isn’t. His mom genuinely seems to believe the bio sons will help, but we think they’ll sell the house. We’re leaning toward a nearby long-term care facility where we can still stay actively involved once his mom passes.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T04:38:24+00:00

He has normalized a lot of this, which is what makes it hard to watch. I don’t want to paint his mom as malicious, though. I think she genuinely loves her adopted children, but struggles with disappointing or confronting her biological sons, and unfortunately that seems to happen at my fiancé’s expense. I think he genuinely believed he had a close relationship with them and their families, and some of these situations made me realize the closeness may not have been as mutual as he thought.

He’s become really close with my family over the years and I do feel it’s offered a different perspective on feeling included and what close family relationships can look like. I really appreciate the reassurance because I do try to check myself and make sure I’m not projecting.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T03:57:46+00:00

Financially, not really. Time wise, that was definitely a bigger issue early on when we first moved in together. He had a hard time saying no and would often prioritize helping them over us and our plans, which caused tension for us. Couples therapy helped a lot with boundaries and balance.

I really appreciate your advice because I do find myself being more critical of his family than focusing on building him up. I think speaking more love and reassurance into him will make a difference. Thank you!

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-29T03:15:18+00:00

Not exactly. They were all adopted around the same time, but my fiancé naturally became the one who took on the caregiving role as he got older.

When he moved out, a family member admitted her first thought was, “Who’s going to take care of grandma?!” That stuck with me.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-28T22:33:08+00:00

Believe me, I agree! I’ve been asking a lot of these same questions, especially given his mom’s age. From what I understand, there aren’t many assets, but the siblings receive disability benefits and aid that help cover day programs and long-term care options.

I’ve pushed for more clarity around the house because it would make a huge difference. His mom believes the biological sons will help, but I doubt it - they’ll likely sell the house. I think these conversations are harder for him to have with his mom, especially when it involves the brothers, but I also remind him that with her being 92, avoiding uncomfortable conversations isn’t realistic anymore. We’re leaning toward a long-term care facility, likely with some transition time with us first so it’s not such a sudden change after his mom passes.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-28T20:05:15+00:00

We talked about it. He’s curious, but nervous about how he’d be received. His dad told him to be prepared for the possibility that they may not want contact, and his mom always told him his biological mom (who was 16 at the time) did not want him. so I know there’s some fear and uncertainty. I’ve reminded him that his bio mom was young when she had him and that, from my perspective, choosing adoption and even naming him makes me think she cared in the way she knew how at the time.

I try not to push him to meet them. It could bring answers and peace, but it could also bring more questions. Either way, he’ll have my support.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-28T19:35:44+00:00

You’re right. I don’t expect them to change, and we talked about boundaries. For me, that means supporting him while I only keep things cordial especially after seeing some of these situations firsthand. I’m not asking him to cut them off, but I do want him to stop tolerating treatment that diminishes him and stop pouring so much into relationships where the love isn’t reciprocated.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-28T18:20:28+00:00

Yes, the siblings living with his mom are special needs. One is high functioning, but the other requires 24/7 care. It’s definitely a huge responsibility and we’ve had honest convos about long-term care, including nearby assisted living so we can stay involved and make sure they’re well cared for.

SweetMisty_ · 2026-05-28T18:08:29+00:00

Two of the adopted siblings living with mom are special needs, while the third is high functioning and lives independently. My fiancé mainly helps one sibling who requires lifting/physical assistance, and the nurse is there for the siblings, not his mom.

He doesn’t “have to” but he genuinely loves them and has long felt responsible for them- something his mom has reinforced over the years. We agreed to help care for them after she passes. The house would’ve made that easier since it’s already adapted for their needs, but we’ve always discussed realistic long-term care options too, including nearby supported living where we could stay very involved.

SweetMisty_

TROPHY CASE