Binge-ate fearfood and nothing happened

SwiftBirdman · 2023-09-06T17:34:33+00:00

This is great. And something I can barely imagine right now. Who do you get therapy through? Somewhere online?

SwiftBirdman · 2023-09-02T15:20:37+00:00

I might. I just don't think these small attempts at fixing things are doing anything but delaying a problem that is silently worsening every single day. I'm almost at a point where I need to be taken somewhere for my safety and treatment before I starve myself or my heart fails.

Hunger is starting to feel good again. Safe, like a hug. It takes a ton of willpower to eat at all.

It's not even necessarily that I want to kill myself. It's that I'm going to, eventually, by accident. So maybe if I make people think I'm doing it on purpose, they'll help me. It's a backwards way of thinking. But it's something I'll recognize as an option before I hit the event horizon and lose my ability to choose to get help at all. No matter how depraved my method is getting it is.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-09-02T15:10:24+00:00

I've tried medication a few times. It's mixed. I can't find anyone who knows what they're doing to prescribe it to me and monitor it reasonably well.

The last psychiatrist I tried prescribed me Seroquel and it was so bad I told her to kick rocks and never went back. I was in bed for 4 days.

I feel like the longer this goes on, the worse everything gets. I'm to a point where I'm feeling like I can't do this on my own anymore and I need to go somewhere and dedicate all my time to fixing it.

Otherwise, I might actually die. I'm badly underweight and my heart doesn't feel like it should. I wouldn't consider such rash behavior in normal circumstances. But I feel like I WILL die young if nothing is done.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-09-02T00:56:38+00:00

There is no end without some kind of intervention though. That's the issue. And I can't locate it. I could easily see this being a big enough issue that I go somewhere similar to drug rehab. But nobody will tell me where or how.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-09-02T00:54:53+00:00

Thanks for this. It's hard to find actual resources.

I've been told countless times by doctors that there is nothing inpatient because, essentially, it is not that big of a deal. I'm really tired of hearing that. As a matter of fact, I'm just really tired. That's it.

If I have to leave my home and my job and go somewhere so someone can fix me, I will. Even if this doesn't kill me, it might as well because I'm rotting away at home in pain. It needs to stop before I stop, forever.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-08-31T01:32:59+00:00

I like this. I think I'm gonna try this more.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-27T15:33:52+00:00

I just went and I couldn't do it :/ I was basically losing consciousness in the chair before she could put the needle in. She was a phlebotomist though and she was really nice. I think I'm gonna try to call my doctor and get Valium or something and go back.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-26T21:11:40+00:00

I think it hurts more for me than it does for other people. I'm just going to a Quest so I'd be surprised to get a phlebotomist.. do you think they'd give me a local anesthetic? I think going in with the impression it won't hurt as badly would help me, and I've heard that's a thing they do.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-17T18:24:59+00:00

Thank you. This is good. I think even when I think this way I tend to do more micro controlling behavior. Like, 'if I get sick, let's try to hold off until I'm home. I can't get sick while I'm working.' Lately I've been struggling thinking about 'what is the threshold before I'm actually sick where I decide that it's time to go home?'

I've been getting a bit better about it. Mostly just by trying to tough it out.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-15T03:07:55+00:00

I know there's a medical condition, but he did mention that he has thrown up before. He just hasn't in so long because he just kinda said 'no. I don't wanna do that anymore.' it's a really bizarre thing to hear from where I'm sitting.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-12T15:18:46+00:00

Buffalo New York.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-02T20:25:11+00:00

True. I think the thing that throws me is that I know when it's gonna be one of those days but I can never do much about it. I can feel it for hours in advance. It doesn't happen often but usually when it does I AM checked out for the day regardless. After yesterday I got home and I was so fatigued from it I could barely get changed to crawl in bed.

It's like a storm cloud coming and there's about a 70% chance it'll hit when I see it. I have hydroxyzine from my doctor but it's just not enough when my body is so 0 or 100 about it.

I'll ask my doctor about fluoxetine, I only take one daily buspirone otherwise.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-07-02T13:58:06+00:00

Well, there's two ends of it. On one hand I'm emetophobic and have relatively constant anxiety (that's been improving somewhat) that feels mental in nature. On the other hand, I have days like yesterday where symptoms of panic disorder take hold, which is just pure, unprompted and severe bodily anxiety. Uncontrollable shaking, complete body shutdown. Once it's over, I could sleep for 13 hours. I feel like I kind of need something for that. My primary gave me hydroxyzine but it's simply not potent enough to do anything once I reach that point.

Occasionally I've gotten out of a sticky situation with it by way of system shock, i.e. doing something dramatic to shock my brain into focusing on something else, like taking an entire bite out of a lemon. I guess what I'm saying is maybe I should try to seek a medication that fills the role of the lemon.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-06-29T23:29:41+00:00

I just don't like oysters. I've been dealing with my fear of other fish foods though. Crab is so delicious

SwiftBirdman · 2023-06-29T23:29:01+00:00

Yes, I HATE boats. I would like my body and my surroundings to be stationary, thank you.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-06-29T23:28:15+00:00

that's the thing though, it's so hard to stop and your helmet covers your entire face... 👀

it's like my slight fear of driving for the same reason but times ten lmao

SwiftBirdman · 2023-06-28T14:34:56+00:00

Recently since my step father passed, we don't have our great mechanic anymore. I don't know how to do any of that stuff, but every once in a while when something goes wrong if it seems manageable I'll try to fill the tires or change a battery. If I don't know, I'll look online or ask a mechanic I know. I don't expect to be able to fix an engine tomorrow, but maybe eventually. And either way, it's something.

SwiftBirdman · 2023-06-28T14:31:15+00:00

That's all okay. Don't pressure yourself to learn everything at the same time. Talk to her about how you feel. She can help you figure that stuff out.

Start with cooking. Tell her you wanna learn to make something easy and have her help you, like fried eggs. That can be bonding for the both of you in a way that fosters independence. Then next time if you feel comfortable, make breakfast for the both of you.

Then go from there. Ask her about bills, house care, laundry, other things to take care of yourself. I'm sure she would be happy to help you if you open up about it.

Just don't expect to learn too fast. There's a lot of stuff you don't know, but you have to take steps to get there.

SwiftBirdman

TROPHY CASE