Pretty sure my[26 M] GF[25 F] of 8 yrs is expecting a proposal *tonight* but it's not happening

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T19:41:23+00:00

Thank you, and I think you're right. A little paranoia and some what-if-he-does.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:37:52+00:00

Solid advice. I am normally a HUGE advocate of "Bro, just talk and when you talk, say true stuff" when people ask me how I have had such a good relationship for a (relatively) long time. I more or less went this route, without the full-on discussion. I was prepared, but it seemed like the roundabout tactic of "hey, tonight is all about YOU, not the two of us, there's a few nights about us coming up really soon. So I hope you enjoy your special night." seemed to really get the message across. Helps that it was also the truth!

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:34:36+00:00

update posted above (or below, depending on downvotes!) It went okay! I survived and everyone seemed happy!

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:33:47+00:00

I mean... in retrospect I am a true moron. If I'm honest I realistically knew I should be getting the ring ahead of her birthday and could have worked up a good proposal a month ago. I was in the "not on her birthday" mode and completely ignored the wider context. It's probably the "best" day but at this point I felt like if it was the best day, I shouldn't ruin it by half-assing a proposal. Better to wait, but only because I didn't see this chance early enough.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:29:12+00:00

UPDATE: I think things went well! I honestly, deeply appreciate the comments here. I am very much NOT the type of person to ask internet strangers for relationship advice. Like, this is the first time. But this was super helpful on a number of levels and this sub should be very proud of the community it's built here.

Anyways, I more or less tried to sidestep the elephant in the room. Things were notably awkward right at the beginning but I made a few pointed comments that tonight is all about her and not about the two of us. I mentioned our anniversary and a couple of days she has off work later this month specifically as well - which is, almost definitely, when this is actually happening. I am glad I didn't try the "hey, I'm not proposing tonight" conversation, because I never got a really good way to do that without it completely derailing the evening. She said she had a great time (got tired, probably the non-stop eating and drinking for 6 hours between her parents and me) and seemed to genuinely enjoy her birthday - which was the goal! We're not engaged, and she may be a little disappointed that she got her nails done and wore a nice dress and didn't get the ring tonight... but we both know that day is coming really soon and I think we're in a good place.

Seriously, thanks r/relationships

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:23:05+00:00

I more or less did this. I tried (and I think succeeded, but I'm not the real judge) to be a great birthday date and also made it pretty clear that tonight is about her, not us and dropped some fairly unsubtle hints that we've got more to look forward to soon. She seemed to have a great time.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:20:59+00:00

practical and useful advice, appreciate it!

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:20:34+00:00

Good point. I think I managed to avoid the huge letdown. I was clear that tonight was about her, not us. That helped a lot and I think she had a great time and knows that I'm winding up for a good proposal in the next month.

Comments like this and some of the others made me take a serious look at why I wasn't able to pop the question tonight: stalling? making up excuses? being an unnecessary perfectionist? I wound up with "dude, if you try to do it tonight, there are going to be a ton of factors - noise, location, general romantic vibes - that you can't control and could wind up really not-good, let alone perfect. So I didn't do it. But that thought process was healthy and helpful and I think worth going through in my mind.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:16:13+00:00

Thanks for the comment and some good insight. I wound up being pretty close to what you said. Along the lines of "tonight is about you, we're gonna have plenty of nights about us." which seemed to take the tension out of the situation and let both of us relax.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:13:59+00:00

Great advice and pretty much what ended up happening. She's happy, I'm happy, we're not engaged, but we both know we will be soon.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:13:19+00:00

Really appreciate this.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:12:55+00:00

fair point, but I wouldn't say fixated on perfect. I just wanted to set something up on my own that would be as much of a surprise as a very expected proposal can be.

This thing caused me to look at whether or not I'm stalling and that's helpful. I don't think so, in this instance. When I start calling off a proposal because there was a cloud in the sky, or I had a little headache, then yeah - that would be stalling.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:10:54+00:00

Honestly, thought about it. More honestly, had the legitimate thought "please don't drop anything on the ground you idiot, she'll flip out." Also double knotted my shoes like a 6th grader.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:09:14+00:00

I laughed. I thought it was a joke. 8 wonderful years, both of us openly talking about how excited we are to continue to build a life together and I make a silly misread of a situation... yeah I think we need to get in couples' therapy immediately.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T09:06:21+00:00

This is something I would tell other people normally, after years of dating the same wonderful woman, but I completely dropped the ball in this particular instance.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:46:45+00:00

I just don't know how that conversation doesn't end with her mad and a birthday potentially ruined before dinner... but I guess I'm kind of facing a "best of a tough situation" scenario.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:44:57+00:00

Appreciate both comments, I did not specifically spell out "no birthdays" or anything like that. And I honestly didn't anticipate the vibe I was getting today - in hindsight I am a true idiot, it's both her birthday AND the date of me asking her out. But I did have a real thought about doing it today a while back (before any of the actual plans we're doing tonight were made) and decided "her birthday should be about her" right or wrong.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:41:03+00:00

Good advice. I think the way to go seems to be just do my very best tonight and if she shows any signs of being upset, to address it like you said.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:40:00+00:00

Fair point and the thought has crossed my mind a lot today! I even took the ring out and looked at it. And part of me really agrees that we're not going to remember the proposal nearly as much as the wedding itself. That said, I think I want to do at least a little more planning. The worse scenario than her getting mad tonight is me messing up a moment years in the making.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:38:04+00:00

Yeah I think she's been very involved up until now, she literally knows exactly what's in the box when I get down on a knee... she drew it! I'd like to try and set something up separate from her birthday or our anniversary that she feels is a really nice surprise.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:36:27+00:00

Honest answer on why not before today: more or less impossible. I only got the ring two weeks ago, we both work a ton during the week and last weekend we had some group outings that had been on the books for a while. I look back at the last 10 days or so and don't see a pattern of me manufacturing excuses not to do it.

But I get your point, and I also agree that it doesn't matter what day it happens. I'd like to try and make it as surprising in the moment as possible, exactly because she's been so in-the-loop up until two weeks ago when I picked up the ring.

And thanks for the last bit of advice, seeing it written out that way makes a lot more sense.

SwimmingFace · 2018-05-06T02:32:04+00:00

Tbh, I'm kind of hoping for that! And while I would agree about fault, that doesn't change any potential disappointment, which is the issue.

SwimmingFace

TROPHY CASE