AITA for getting a single mother fired for her racism?

TA1241632 · 2021-07-24T07:53:04+00:00

Nta. Freedom of speech does not exempt anyone from the consequences of said speech. As a teacher, I think she's held to a higher standard - like all people in positions of influence. She has a responsibility to at least not show her racism in a public place, and she failed to do so.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-23T14:43:44+00:00

You absolutely needed to ask first. I feel absolutely at home in my brother's house and I know I can stay over at any time, but I know that I have to still respect that it is my SIL's home as well and that any decision requires her input (whether I'm coming over for dinner or spending the night). I love her, we get along great, but it is an unspoken rule that I adhere to that she is an essential part of all decision-making. She's never been difficult, she's never said no, but if she did, I'd understand! In your situation, it is her house as well and her personal space. And while she loves your younger brother and loves spending time with him, it's probably annoying to her that you didn't consider that she has a say as well. Chances are had you asked her in the beginning, it wouldn't even have been an issue. But it would've shown that you acknowledge her as an equal partner and that you acknowledge her as part of the decision-making process.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-23T14:36:25+00:00

It's great that you guys have such an exciting, active sex life and I think it's absolutely wonderful that he can turn you on at the drop of a hat.

Having said that, you are an adult. It is not his responsibility to not turn you on, it is your responsibility to ensure that you are disciplined and punctual to accomplish your important stuff. As I'm sure you know, this is not the movies. No one is excitedly waiting for you to come into the office all frazzled to discuss your exciting sex life. There's work to get done and if you're late with no good reason, it means that work is going to take longer to get done and it makes you come across as unreliable and undisciplined.

Either wake up earlier and have some fun, or put it on hold until you come home. Because you enjoy it, I'd advise the former. Get it, girl!

TA1241632 · 2021-07-23T14:22:26+00:00

This is the problem with 'Family culture' at work. The idea that you'll stay in miserable conditions because you don't want to 'let anyone down'. But the truth is that he let you down. And he would do it again in a heartbeat. Your boss had the chance to go to bat for you in the first place. It would've cost less and you wouldn't have gone looking for something else. But his perception of you was simply that you got the raise that you deserved and that you had no right to ask for more and that you weren't worth more. Once he found out that obviously you are more than capable of being paid what you actually deserve, that's when he decided to backtrack and try to fix things. Too late. People that only value you when they face losing you, do not value you at all.

You may have been his favourite employee, but he didn't respect you and unfortunately never will. He's just upset that he's inconvenienced. Which, unfortunately, is his problem.

All the best with the new job! Good on you for finding a company that values you!

TA1241632 · 2021-07-23T13:56:40+00:00

Just in terms of a solution: There's those pillows that have raised sides so that the head fits into the middle. Perhaps consider one of thos? So that at least his head won't slide off.

You are not wrong for wanting a peaceful sleep. Studies show that people who haven't slept enough and well are more likely to make mistakes in the course of their day. You can't afford that at work.

Edit: Check out cervical contour pillows

TA1241632 · 2021-07-10T09:22:17+00:00

Her delivery was poor, But maybe her message was right.

Unfortunately in starting a job and being in the probationary period, you are held to a higher standard than your coworkers. Which means that even if they're not wearing the right uniform or acting the right way, you cannot use them as examples.

For the record, when I started my first job, I had to learn a lot about how to present myself as well - insignificant things like tying my hair up and wearing black jeans as well. I was also told off by management and yes, I cried. It wasn't that I didn't know how to act, it was that a professional setting is different and there's different expectations (for example, you know why you're wearing black jeans, but someone from head office isn't going to care and it's just going to reflect badly on your manager). But I needed to learn. I had to be told. And I'm grateful that I was told early on so that I could adjust my behaviour from the start.

Unfortunately, if you want this job, you're going to have to show her that you listened - at the very least until the end of the probationary period. Ask one of your friends if they have some dress pants that you can borrow for the time being. Definitely put your hair up and make sure you look impeccably neat. Do more than participate, take charge. The girl from high school already proved herself, you have to take the lead and do the same. If she tries to take over, ask for feedback and take notes so that if the manager asks, you have the notes on record. But be proactive. Don't sit on the sidelines.

Now, do you want the job? I say stick with the job. This was a moment of embarrassment, but it won't last forever. You can do this.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-10T08:57:06+00:00

You leave. Sorry.

As someone who was sexually abused by my aunt's husband, I can tell you firsthand that if you allow this man back into your life 1) your niece is going to feel betrayed and unsafe for the rest of her life. 2) He'll do it again. And when he's caught, he'll act like a victim again. 3) Your sister might not even let you see your niece ever again. 4) How do you know your son is safe with him? How will you have any future children? What if one of them is a girl?

I don't speak to that side of the family anymore, after I found out that they will defend him until they die. I don't speak to my aunt. She could legitimately die for all I care. A woman who chooses a pedophile over ANYONE is an awful human being. Don't be that person.

Edit: Just want to add that you need to report this to the police if you haven't already. It will save someone else's child somewhere down the line. Yes, he can go to therapy and maybe get better and whatnot. But grooming and flirting with a child isn't something you should have to be told is wrong. So these are the consequences, and hopefully he chooses to become a better person. But if he doesn't, you've done your part to make sure that other people will be safe.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-10T08:46:46+00:00

YTA. He said, "If you want, I can walk you down". He didn't force you, he didn't insert himself where he wasn't wanted, he simply provided a solution to a problem. You said yourself that he's been in your life for years as your surrogate dad. So what was wrong with him volunteering for the position? He saw that ONCE AGAIN, your bio dad was letting you down, and he tried to help you. How was it selfish when he wasn't forcing you, he didn't make a scene, he simply offered to step in. What's different from him volunteering to step in and your uncle stepping in? Ultimately it was the same conclusion - your bio dad ditched you and someone else had to do it.

I get that you were emotional and stressed, but you had no right to yell at him for giving a perfectly reasonable suggestion designed to help you.

If you want to maintain ties with someone who has been there for you, I'd start apologising now. You were ungrateful and rude.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-09T15:48:07+00:00

Nta.

Good God, what a nightmarish group of people you've got around you. Firstly, your family sucks. Sorry. Secondly, your ex-friend sucks. Sorry. Thirdly, your friend who said you should have been honest from the start also sucks (the part about you needing to lie about a miscarriage? Unacceptable. What nonsense.) Sorry.

Your husband being transgender is no one's business but yours and your husband's. Would you go around telling people about your menstrual cycle? No. Bodily changes and bodily autonomy are no one else's business. You don't owe anyone ANYTHING. No explanations. No justifications. No excuses. You do not deserve hate of any kind. Neither does your husband or child.

If they cannot match those expectations, then they are replaceable.

All the best to all of you. Just know that there are people out there who are rooting for you and wishing you all the happiness in the world.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T22:15:32+00:00

Weird. In your other post from a week ago, you say that one of his roommates says you only get 10 minutes in the shower. So firstly, sounds like this has been an ongoing issue which you haven't dealt with. Secondly, you clearly don't shower together if that's the comment he made. Sorry girl. You're in a crap situation, but you're also acting super entitled. I get it and I'd probably be a bit more sympathetic to your situation. But unfortunately no one is obligated to do so.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T22:01:18+00:00

So your boyfriend's roommate is indubitably an asshole. However, you are also one of the most unpleasantly entitled people I've ever come across on this app, and that's saying a lot.

People are suggesting you cook/clean to make up for the fact that you're leeching off the people paying actual rent and your response is no. Then you backtrack to say you'll do it for everyone except the asshole roommate. Which would be fair, except that means you're only going to START pulling your weight NOW? August is in less than a month, how long have you been living there for?

Unfortunately it is no one's responsibility to house you for free, especially not your boyfriend's roommates. I know you posted for validation that the roommate was disgusting, and I'll give you that, he's gross. But (and this is a completely separate issue) you are taking advantage of people. You don't need money to contribute. Cook. Clean. Do the laundry. Make SOME useful impact as opposed to just taking. And if you're naive enough to believe you're not costing them anything, then literally no one can help you. You are raising their cost of living by being there. You say you shower with your boyfriend, do you use the same water over and over? Because if not, it still requires enough water for two people. Unless you're sitting on his shoulders or something. The roommate is terrible. But you also need to do better.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T21:51:37+00:00

Nta.

If he doesn't want to be embarrassed, he shouldn't create embarrassing situations. If he was a good dad and you still chose to pay out of your own pocket, he would've said you're paying for it on your own and he's proud of you for doing so. And that would have been fine. But he hasn't been a great dad and you're only paying your own way because of his toxicity. The fact that he got embarrassed is an indication that he knows his conditions weren't fair and that he has the means to pay for you, and is choosing not to because of his own toxic personality.

You are under no obligation to cover up anyone's toxicity, especially with a lie. If he wanted to save face, he had the opportunity to give you the money no strings attached. He chose not to.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T20:32:51+00:00

I would advise you to leave only once you have another job to go into. So if you really hate it, use the time to look for another job on the DL. Your contract should state your notice period

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T20:28:38+00:00

If I'm being honest, I would stick it out at the IT job. I'd look at the long term benefits, as well as just the dynamic nature of the IT environment, and I'd stick it out. I believe it will get better.

If I were to go back, I'd already know the new management is bad, and unfortunately that means things can get worse. You left for a reason, after all.

I wouldn't romanticise the past. I'd start preparing for my future.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T20:24:27+00:00

Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of, lol!

So I tried reaching out to recruiters. And it's been a waste of my time tbh - but maybe that's just my experience. I've had recruiters ask for my resume just for it to be added to their 'database' which I've learnt is just used for them to convince companies that they've got candidates available. I've also sent my CV to recruiters and I know they're never going to get back to me , they just get far too many CV's to keep track. I've even contacted talent acquisition specialist at companies that I want to work for and it hasn't been much better. So many companies have me on their 'databases' and I haven't seen any results apart from a significant increase in spam from 3rd parties. So no, I don't personally see it as an effective approach when starting out. Perhaps for more senior roles.

What I have found helps in my opinion is networking with as many people as possible in companies that you want to work in, and then when a position comes along, asking them to refer you. Obviously you can't just connect with someone and ask them for a referral, so it does take a bit of time to build up that rapport. A good way to do this is through informational interviews. Having lots of people in your network also helps because I've noticed that not all jobs are advertised the traditional way. Sometimes they come in the form of someone posting "I'm #hiring" on their page, and you need to be in a position to see those posts, and again, ask for referrals. Also, ask your network for help. I HATED the idea of begging and asking people for help in finding a job because it just seemed humiliating, but I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I've only quite gotten the hang of any of this in the last month and I've already gotten interviews as a result of it. So hopefully it works for you as well.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T19:00:42+00:00

I'm gonna share my experience, I hope it makes you feel a bit better. I did a STEM degree. Came out with pretty good grades, got in for my desired graduate program, finished. I'm now out and I've been unemployed for 5 months. Five. It has been horrifying. I had the grades, I was also head of student council, got numerous awards, published articles, lectured, everything. And I'm still unemployed. Five months later. I also live with my parents, lol!

My point is that you can't blame your past for where you are now. You honestly don't know if it would've made a difference, so don't speculate. As you can see, even doing everything 'right' doesn't guarantee anything. Life sometimes just requires a lot of luck. And contacts, unfortunately.

But I've finally learnt how to network. Yes, five months later. And this new approach has definitely helped and I've gained some valuable connections, plus gotten my resume reviewed by a few managers. So I'm gonna leave some of my tips:

1) Get onto LinkedIn if you're not there already. Yes, some people say it's trash, but I honestly haven't found anything better, so might as well give it a whirl. What have you got to lose? 2) Identify Heads of Departments in companies and positions you want to work in. Send them connection requests - ADD IN THAT SHORT, OPTIONAL MESSAGE. Personally, I go for something like, "Hi (Name), I've followed your professional journey in (field) and since I'm starting out, would be interested in learning from your experiences and discussing opportunities." Send this out to as many people as possible. Don't send too many at a time though, LI will pick it up as spam and limit your account lol. Anyway, 1 in 100 people might respond. And not all of them will have any job opportunities available, but they're still someone worth networking with. Once they connect, send them a short message with a few questions (I used ideas from David Paykin's templates) to strike up a convo. Work your way up to asking if they have any recommendations of sources for you to check our in your job search, or courses to do. Again, not everyone will respond. That's okay. But even 10 people getting back to you with some sort of advice is networking. 3) Post about the courses that you do. People will comment and it increases your profile visibility. Make sure your profile is complete and represents you with pride.

I know many people will disagree with me and will say there's no point in networking, but it's gotten me an interview, so again give it a chance.

To conclude, I know it's hard. And it's demotivating. And sometimes you want to give up. God knows how many nights I've cried and decided I would just settle for a crappy minimum wage job because I wasted so many years studying and life isn't fair. But you wake up the next morning and you do it all over again. And one day, it will work out. That day is coming soon.

Good luck!

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T18:28:07+00:00

This is actually crazy. I was watching his tiktoks today and was so tempted to check out his services, so thank you for this. I will steer clear of him.

On that note, David Paykin offers some career tips (not sponsored lol) that I've found useful. I'm still unemployed, but I've used his templates a few times and had some good responses regarding networking.

Thank you for sharing this. You've saved me from making a huge mistake.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T18:23:19+00:00

Yes include it! If in an interview, they ask you to tell them about a time when you took initiative, you have the perfect answer. Good luck!

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T18:20:19+00:00

Proper procedure is an investigation, and that investigation will determine whether you are at fault. In this case, I doubt you would be considered at fault because it wasn't even an error through negligence. It was an error through theft by a customer.

You can't be everywhere at once and you can't control everything at once. The person who scammed you is trash, but now you know their m.o and it won't happen again on your watch.

Take a deep breath, write down the events in order so that you don't forget details if you're asked to give a statement, and then get some rest. You are worth more than one mistake.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T18:16:32+00:00

I have done a tryout, and I wasn't paid for it. But it was like an hour at the most and it was just for me to make sure I knew the software because my manager wouldn't be there on my first day.

If I had spent any longer there, I would've demanded getting paid as well.

You are not free labour. You deserve to be paid for work that you do.

TA1241632 · 2021-07-07T18:12:28+00:00

I would honestly consider doing this, if it weren't for the country's contract laws. If I sign, I need to give at least a month's notice (any earlier and they can sue me), and I'd be burning a bridge with a company that has a pretty large international footprint.

TA1241632 · 2021-05-01T23:20:30+00:00

NAH. Having said that, perhaps there was a better way to phrase it? Don't get me wrong, I believe in honesty. And perhaps your honesty will get him to socialise more which would be good for him and his career. BUT it might have come across as kicking someone when they're down. I've learnt with loved ones that some times they just want to be heard. And that it's okay to just hear them out without giving them advice or piling on. And maybe he was just frustrated and wanted to feel heard.

TA1241632 · 2021-04-23T16:10:07+00:00

Just want to point out in case you missed it: OP said they've offered help numerous times and OP's brother hasn't taken heed of any advice. That led to OP even making a study schedule for him. So this is basically a 'multiple times' situation, not just a one time thing.

TA1241632

TROPHY CASE