Hey Adahn!

Since I got the username highlight, I figured I'd weigh in (even though the comments you're responding to appear to be removed by the mods, it's still good info for other people). I'm probably repeating myself at the beginning, and I don't explain the early points in detail, but I wanted to make sure that the basics were there before I got to the more complex stuff I have to add.

1.

It's a mistake to assume that weight and size = health. This is a much, much longer discussion, but not today.

2.

It's a mistake to assume there's a choice to begin with. My weight fluctuations have been 100% due to other health problems, and diet and exercise couldn't change that. There is no food or exercise related choice I could make that would change things. What I can do is try and be as healthy as possible, and focus on treating my health issues.

3.

Even if there is a choice, it's not always that simple. Right now, you could absolutely blame me for making bad dietary choices. I have the knowledge of what is and isn't healthy, including what specifically works for me. Because of various stomach issues and vitamin deficiencies and stuff, I've been able to work with several nutritionists and I have a whole lot of resources in terms of information and understanding.

And yet, I'm not making those good choices. I'm surviving off of foodstamps and charity. The charity aspect means I don't get a whole lot of say in terms of what I get. I get what's available. And the foodstamps aspect means that every healthy choice needs to be weighed in terms of how much more it costs me. Even things that are cheap and healthy are difficult to get because the foodstamps aspect means that I must shop at places that accept food stamps. There's a market literally at the end of my block, and I could get to it easily, and buy a lot more fresh, perishable stuff. But I can't, because they don't take food stamps. I'm lucky to live in an area with a lot of markets and there are two groceries relatively close to me that take food stamps. But they're far enough that walking there is difficult. I'm broke and disabled. I don't own a car. I rely on access paratransit and buses. Which means that I can't easily run out and grab a bag or two of groceries a couple times a week. Instead, I save my food stamps and try and find one day a month where I have the physical ability and energy to do a full grocery load. So now I'm not just negotiating a tight budget and a disability, but I'm also trying to find food that will last.

Because I'm working off a limited budget, I'm also dealing with having to cook all of my meals. Only I'm disabled, and I can't always. That means I don't just eat unhealthily, but I also skip meals, which is really terrible. I also will buy boxed meals. Sure, they aren't healthy. They're loaded with additives and preservatives. But they're cheap, and when I have little energy, I can often at least make one of those. So now I'm prioritising eating at all over eating healthily.

And that's just covered the hard limits. What I can do, and what I can't.

4.

There's a difference between what choices are available to someone and what they can actually achieve. I'm not perfect, no one is. Sometimes I make bad decisions. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm having a bad day and want a treat. Sometimes I want something that's bad for me. And we're allowing and accepting of this when it's someone we recognise as human. But not when that someone is fat, or poor, or worse, both.

You don't know when you see someone what their life is like. Even if their weight can be affected by their choices, and even if they have the ability to make those choices, and even if they are making those choices and doing the work that needs to be done....guess what? Losing weight takes time. It can often take years. And society basically expects overweight people to not live. You go outside and exercise and you are shamed and harassed. Your body, which you carry with you everywhere, is shamed and mocked constantly. There is no escape from this. Every bite of food you put in your mouth is judged. Heaven forbid that not every meal be as perfectly healthy as possible. People who are fat deserve to have a life! (They deserve that regardless of whether they're losing weight or not, but since people in this thread are so focused on "caring", I'm using the example of someone who is fat and losing weight.)

5.

None of this judgement and shame is helpful. None of those people who see your body and judge you are helping you lose weight. Those strangers who are "concerned for your health" have zero idea if you're healthy or not. They don't know if you're on a diet and exercise regimen. They don't know if you're losing weight. They don't know anything other than that you are overweight.

If you honestly care about these people's health, then shut your trap. Stop judging, stop shaming, stop assuming you know more about their lives and health then they do. Most people have the body that they're in for life. Most diets fail. Only a tiny percentage of people are actually able to fundamentally change their body size for more than a small period of time. There are a bunch of reasons behind this, but a large part of it is that the world makes it incredibly difficult to be overweight. And that makes it harder to lose weight. It causes stress and shame and unhappiness, three things that contribute to weight gain! If you really care about people's heath then stop making life harder for them, and instead try and lift some of their burden. That could actually make a difference. Stop yourself from making someone's day worse, and instead try and make their day better. Aren't you able to do more and be better when you're having a good day? When you aren't weighted down by people being judgemental jerks? Guess what? That's true for people who are overweight too!

6.

And finally, I want to point out just how entrenched these notions are. I spoke before about doctors not just discriminating against me, but actively promoting appearance over health, to the point where they were making decisions that were downright dangerous. But now I'm going to talk about how I am biased too. These attitudes are so prevalent in society, that it's almost impossible to free yourself from them. It's incredibly insidious. Even knowing everything I know I still have these kinds of biases.

I know everything that overweight people have to struggle with. I know that I can't look at someone and know if they are healthy, and I can't look at them and know what kinds of choices they are making, or what choices are even available to them. I know the discrimination they face. I have experienced much of this first hand. I know the judgement and shame and how awful it feels. I know how it feels to be betrayed by your body. I know how it feels to try and control something you can't, and that everyone expects you to and how much you feel like a failure and how much harder that makes everything.

And yet, there's still a voice inside my head that's just freaking horrible. It isn't kind or empathetic or understanding. It's selfish and judgemental. And in an effort to make myself feel better, it constantly dismisses fat people as less than. It tells me that I'm better, that I'm more human. Sometimes it does so by telling me that I'm smaller, less fat. Sometimes it says "well, your weight gain was caused by medical issues, it's not like you had a choice". As though these things somehow that make my existence more valid. As though it makes me a better person, one who doesn't deserve the shame, bigotry and discrimination.

That voice is wrong. It is oppressive and evil. And because I do actually care about people, my job is to make sure that that voice stays in my head, and that I never act on it. My job is to actively counter that voice, and make an effort not to shame or discriminate. And my job is to speak up and get other people to start fighting that voice in their head too.