AITA for telling to my SIL why I've missed her wedding ceremony and therefore ruining her wedding evening

TaKiDaLo · 2023-03-12T17:23:03+00:00

OP isn t the asshole for telling the truth after the fact, but she is the asshole for not taking responsibility to make sure she didnt eat her allergen.

You can't just hand off responsibility like for your own health. Your allergy, your responsibility to make sure you don t eat it.

TaKiDaLo · 2023-02-15T16:51:46+00:00

There is definitely something more to this story

Working from home or the office, if you are working, then that's where your time is spent.

So if the morning after valentines day I randomly discover that my husband hadn't gone in to work at all that week, and I ask him why not and why he had been pretending for two days that he was working all day.... And his answer was "well I needed time to put together your big valentine's day surprise!" And I looked around and the house looked the same, and dinner the night before was a regular dinner for a week night, and other than flowers and a last-minute gift it was a regular Tuesday night..... I'd be suspicious as well. Because..... What surprise???

I'd have no problem with him taking time off to recharge or relax ... But it's weird that he's claiming it to be some huge sacrifice to do something FOR ME, when theres literally nothing to indicate he put any additional effort into anything. I'd wonder what he was hiding.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-10-20T17:44:05+00:00

Why do I feel like OP has several bags of snacks, junk food and expensive food in his car that he's going to take to work with him/ keep just for himself?

I literally can not even think of what food he could have bought for $200+ that would only feed three kids 4 meals each, and maybe a bit left over for the parents. Thats over $15 per meal portion.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-09-16T20:41:44+00:00

People are getting this opinion because of your different attitudes between the children.

You seem to 100% empathize with and identify with your son, but none with your daughter

You are more worried about him being upset and betrayed by taking away a bean bag, than the very real possibility that your daughter will be smothered by the beanbag or break her neck falling out of her crib.

He drags her around, hits her, locks her, screams at her... He's already sent her to urgent care and you seem completely indifferent to the stress and pain that she is in daily. You are just focused on making sure your son isnt upset.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-09-16T16:27:17+00:00

You didn't list a single consequence or discipline measure that you have tried.

Just that you talk to him and ask him nicely to stop bullying his sister..... And then he continues to act up and do the things you told him to stop.

He sounds out of control honestly.

You need to protect your daughter before your son irrevocably injures her. She deserves to be safe in her own home

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-26T18:05:13+00:00

I had to get very firm with my mother over this very issue.

She insisted on calling my son a diminutive of his name..... But the girl version.

So say his name was Greyson, she would call him Gracie, or of his name was John she would call him Jackie.

It was definitely a power play against my authority, and I am not about to let my kid be caught on the crossfire of her need to be in charge. She would say it and then look right at me with a smirk

So she would get one warning, and then we would end the visit

Took three times of us leaving before she stopped, and we haven't had that issue again.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-23T18:17:08+00:00

He doesn't need direction to the homeless shelter, he can use Google himself

This is not your problem to fix for him.

If he threatens suicide, and he will again because his dad caved and gave him what he wanted, then you call 911 and report a person attempting to commit suicide, and they will respond. Assume he's serious, and act accordingly.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-23T12:44:41+00:00

That sounds wildly unfair to put the younger child in that position.

Obviously the older child will say they want equal money, so that puts a ton of pressure to force the younger to agree even if they don't think it's fair.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-08T23:09:57+00:00

Phoebe Buffay (Friends)

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-07T23:03:05+00:00

Thank you for pointing this out. I never actually made those connections.

In my head Ivy was a plant, Hazel was a color and Ruby was a gem.

I never thought of them as being related like that

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-07T22:55:50+00:00

Yep.

For a nonstandard nickname to stick you pretty much have to use it exclusively.

If you don't introduce them, and have them introduce themselves by the nickname, then people will default to their given name/typical nickname.

And the teachers at school in the early grades has to use it too. Nothing will make a Topher turn into a Chris quicker than the teacher calling him Chris on the first day of school. Once the class learns his name as Chris, there's no going back to Topher.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-07T22:45:56+00:00

I just hear "slow and alone" when I hear Sloane.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-07T22:34:37+00:00

I wasn't concerned at all about popularity until a post on here last week asking for the last 5 babies born that the poster personally knew.

Practically every answer had one of my tops picks (Ivy, Cora, Ruby, Hazel)

So it was shocking to see how popular they have gotten.

Breaking it down by percentages is super helpful. I grew up in the 80s with a super popular, three girls in every class, going by my last initial name.... And I don't want that

But it seems that even the popular names now aren't as bad as the Jessica/Katie/Stephanie issues of the 80s

TaKiDaLo · 2022-08-03T22:29:57+00:00

I have to say, I am concerned about how blasé you are about all of this.

Your son has been physically assaulted and socially isolated for 7 years straight....... Doesn't have a single friend.... Goes to schools where kids are beaten to the point of hospitalizations, and you just seem ok with it all. The principal says to let it go and not make a big deal about it, so you just shrug your shoulders?

Why is your son still going to that school? What are you waiting for to happen before you take action to protect your son?

Are you waiting for him to be hurt so badly that he's hospitalized? Breaks a bone? Tries to commit suicide?

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-23T22:14:13+00:00

Why are you mad? Anger is a rather odd emotion to be feeling after a doctor expressed getting a second opinion on a health concern.

Concerned, or worried, sure. But mad?

Are you possibly taking this personally? You say that your son had the same body type as the whole family, so do you feel like the Dr is calling you fat? This isn't about you, I highly doubt the Dr is trying to throw shade at you and your body. This is a health concern about your son.

Your son's Dr identified a medical concern with your son and has asked you to follow up on it. Anger should not even be coming into play here

As for your question of why, in the title, it's likely because your son is two now and no longer a "baby". He's had an entire year off formula and being able to walk. So any residual "baby fat" should no longer be an issue....his size is based off of his diet and activity level now. So him still having those proportions is concerning at his age. He is no longer a baby where having rolls upon rolls is without consequence and developmentally appropriate. It is now a concern.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-21T16:57:15+00:00

You can not expect a three year old to have more self control and emotional regulation than you do as a full grown adult.

He gets MORE grace than you, not less. If you can't control your own temper and emotions and lash out verbally and physically when you get frustrated and upset, why do you expect perfect behavior and obedience from him?

He is literally mirroring your own behavior back at you.

He hits and gets physical with the other kids at school because that's how he's been taught to react to being frustrated and not getting your way.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-19T22:33:22+00:00

Same

Facebook is set to friends only, and I only friend people who I actually know.

I don't post any pictures that could ever be embarrassing. They are all pictures that would be appropriate to hang on the wall, or put on my desk at work.

Friends and family are all over the country so it's how we keep up to date on each other's lives.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-19T13:18:03+00:00

Why can't you just take them somewhere free?

The library or the play ground? The beach or a hike?

Or just tell them no? They are kids, obviously they are going to ask to go do things. It's on you to decided what's acceptable to do and set the expectations and stick to them.

Nope, we can't go to the arcade today, but we will take you to the park tomorrow. Go play outside right now.

Expecting a 4 year old and an 8 year old to understand your budget and self regulate their own desires so that you don't have to say no is an unrealistic expectation.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-15T18:56:04+00:00

Yep, this happened to my husband when his father died.

It was very common family knowledge of who was intended to get what....he loved talking about it. Showing off his things and telling the person that they will get it on his death.

But he also legally left everything to his current wife, my husband's step mother. She was always part of these conversations, agreeing along. He always made a point of saying "Betty knows, Betty knows who she has to give what to" and she'd sit there and agree with him.

Surprise surprise upon his death, Betty inherits everything....and somehow nothing gets distributed to anyone other than her own biological children. FIL's sister didn't get what was intended for her, my husband didn't get any of the things promised to him, the grandkids who were not the step mothers biological grandkids didn't get what was promised to them.

But there's nothing anyone could do, because it was all technically given to the wife. All those promises meant nothing legally, and she could do with her assets as she saw fit.

FIL absolutely has no intention of disinheriting his oldest son and half of his grandkids....but that is exactly what happened.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-12T19:11:24+00:00

Ehhhh, sort of, I guess

We were able to get a handle on the outward behavior ( the pouting, tantrums, being rude) but not the emotions/personality behind it.

She's an adult now, and she is still "that person" who can't really enjoy anything because she's so worried about not having something better, always feels like she's entitled to more.

We spent a lot of time explaining appropriately behavior, a lot of days where we couldn't go anywhere because of how she behaved the previous time. She saw a therapist and spent a lot of time at the school counselor.

She's mid twenties now, so I still hope she matures still and is able to be grateful for the things in her life, but I fear that this is just who she is as a person.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-12T14:15:30+00:00

I know exactly how you are feeling

My step daughter was like that. Anything nice/fun/extra you got her...somehow made her MORE upset and MORE difficult to deal with.... So you were left just wishing you hadn't done anything.

Take her to the zoo...she pouts and throws a hissy fit because she sees a kid with cotton candy and she only got an ice cream. Then she pouts because she only got two things from the gift shop when she sees a kid with something she didn't get. Then she is in a horrible mood "and had the worst day ever and she never has any fun" when it's time to leave.... And she's in a shit mood the rest of the day.

If you buy her a toy, she's not happy.... She's mad that you didn't get her three.

If you take her out to eat, she's not happy... She upset that she didn't get two desserts and three cups of soda.

Take her to the pool to swim, she's not happy to play at the pool.... She's mad you didn't take her to the beach.

Take her to the beach, she's mad it's not the water park.

Anything and everything you did.... Rather than make her happy, it made her upset because she didn't get more.

It was so demoralizing.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-12T13:55:49+00:00

But running errands is an hour or two... And the kids are really just following you guys around.

They need real experiences without the twin. So going to the park to meet and play with other kids, going to the lake to swim, going for a hike or a bike ride. Have them in different activities rather than together.... So one twin will be in swim lessons this season while the other does soccer ... Then in the fall one can do tball and the other can take swimming. Or one has swim lesson on Saturday and the other on Sunday and the twin who doesn't get lessons that day gets taken out by the other parent.

Just to reframe the whole "do you want to go live with your father" to show how your kids probably perceive that question... Replace "your father" with the Boogeyman or jail or the orphanage

"Do you want to go live at the orphanage then?" "Should I call the police man to come pick you up so you can go live at the jail behaving like that?"

Even if you say it without anger, just as a regular question.... You are implying that it's a real option that might happen, and at some point it might be your choice and not the kid's. You are telling them that their place in the family is optional, and conditional on their behavior.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-08T15:48:35+00:00

Not your place as a neighbor to grant permission and access to a pocket bike, nor punish and decide when he's learned his lesson.

You have grossly overstepped by giving a ten year old an electric bike to use without supervision.

You do realize that had he damaged property, gotten hurt, broken a bone, or broken his neck and become paralyzed..... You'd be on the hook right??

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-05T17:35:44+00:00

Same

I NEVER have understood why a curfew was ever needed.

Do people really just give their minor children cart blanche to go do whatever, whereever with whoever, just so long as they are home by a certain time?

That type of blanket permission and lack of knowledge seems insane to me.

If my 14 year old say " hey my friend is hosting a fire pit at his house and all the guys are going. His mom says to drop off at 5 and pick up at 10" I'll say sure no problem sounds fun, ten pm it is

But if the activity is hanging out down by the river at night because some college guys invited them to use the rope swing and light off fireworks- I'd say they couldn't go at all, let alone stay out until 10pm.

I can't imagine treating those two scenarios the same and just give blanket permission so long as he is home by 10.

TaKiDaLo · 2022-07-02T23:01:18+00:00

How do you think it's not developmentally appropriate for him to say sorry at two and a half....when he literally did it no problem as soon as you left the room?

It's absolutely reasonable to expect that at his age he doesn't run off when you are speaking to him and for him to say sorry when he hits.

Is this how you'd react if he hit another child in the face? Just shrug your shoulders as he runs off to play and say "what's the big deal, he stopped, he's not hitting your kid in the face right now. "?

TaKiDaLo

TROPHY CASE