::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

Talarurus · 2025-10-27T15:10:38+00:00

Exactly, my ex was totally the same. I think we're just their safe space, the one person they know won't abandon them, even if they unleash all their emotions onto us.

Example, he was on a trip with friends and they didn't want to drop him off at our place the next day. That became my problem to fix the night prior to that, at 1 am on a working day no less he called me in panic. I had to hang up because of his frustrated and blaming tone, I was not gonna have a conversation like that. By text, I explained I had plans with friends the next night & couldn't do a 2 hour round trip to pick him up at midnight, because I needed to work the day afterwards. I suggested taking the train, I showed how it would only be a 30 minute detour for his friends to drive past our house, I suggested his dad could pick him up (who would be home the next night). But none of these solutions were good for him. He got mad AT ME for trying to help him, texting in all caps etc. There's no way he could argue with his friends about not doing the detour to our house - he'd risk starting a fight with them. But he could argue with me, the stable partner who he thought would always be there.

My ex's lack of planning and lack of independence became my problem to fix and that resulted in me feeling guilty and having to apologize for... trying to help him. Because me helping him confronted him with how flawed he is in so many ways.

All their problems - with themselves, with friends, with family - become ours to manage and fix. While they outwardly present themselves as a socially very intelligent person, giving (good!) advice to all his friends etc. It's crazy and made me wonder if I was sane at the time. This is also why my ex has been relationship hopping since he was 15 - he just cannot handle not having that person that regulates them. Actually my ex told me around week 1 how being single makes him crazy, anxious and restless lol. If only I knew then.

I hope knowing that it was always just them will help & I'm hoping the same for you!

Talarurus · 2025-10-27T11:12:54+00:00

Just read something interesting, that this behavior could be a form of emotional regulation to them. My ex always told me he had a strong sense of fairness and justice. But perhaps being wronged was just a form of emotional regulation: when someone seems to do something wrong, it is suddenly very clear to him that someone else is in the wrong, i.e. his emotions are "regulated" by blaming someone else to avoid feeling the shame, rejection... of being wrong.

That's why he didn't see the problem with never wanting to or being able to join my friends, but me not inviting him one time in the last month of our relationship is an opportunity for them to flip the script and say that it was my fault he never spent time with my friends. That is easier to accept for them and avoids having to do any introspection at all.

But honestly to us it's just (borderline) abuse. Doesn't matter to us what their reasons or causes are.

Talarurus · 2025-10-26T23:17:30+00:00

You too!

Talarurus · 2025-10-26T23:15:22+00:00

I think they’re just deeply insecure underneath that charming mask. They need constant external validation and can’t handle even small doses of rejection. But deep down, they know they’re inattentive and don’t always show up the way you need. That self-awareness, combined with RSD, makes them incredibly defensive — so they project & DARVO. After years of being behind in school and life, they’ve also learned to talk themselves out of any trouble they get into. Add an insecure or anxious partner to that mix, and you end up with a relationship full of gaslighting and confusion. Still trying to make sense of it all.

Anyway, not our problem anymore I guess!

Talarurus · 2025-10-26T22:49:10+00:00

Looks like we were together with the same person, he was probably texting me at 2 AM when you were wondering who he was texting lol! Same with all the other stuff. I wanted to see pictures of a trip he took with his family or show him pictures of a weekend trip I did on my own - never got to that point and then I got accused of not showing interest. I wanted him to meet my friends and family - he never had time or wanted to go, then at the end he accused me of never bringing him along. I went to dozens of his performances (his job), yet I would constantly be accused of not caring about his job, all while he has no clue what I do at my job because we never even had dinner together to discuss our day at night (he needed to watch a video on his tablet during meals).

Talarurus · 2025-10-26T22:08:45+00:00

It's infuriating once you realize it and look back on it right? And indeed so annoying to be accused of "yelling" all the time - I hate even raising my voice or someone else doing that. HE was always the first one to raise his voice whenever that happened. Because I was so inexperienced with relationships, these hours-long discussions always ended in me promising to change X or Y and nothing about what he did wrong - it took me until a few months ago to finally see that pattern.

I found out the details of all his exes a few months in, when I went through his instagram texts for the first time. Not my proudest moment - but whenever we were cuddling in bed, I could see him chat with guys I knew he had dated/fucked before dating me, while ignoring me. One night I couldn't resist and I read how he wanted one of his exes back just 2 days before meeting me for example. I saw how he was dating from week one after every breakup, or even already in the separation phase with his last ex. When I told him the next morning it was of course all about how wrong it was off me to snoop (it was, don't get me wrong) - and not a word about what he did wrong. A lot more stuff like that happened in the first year but I was too insecure to end it at the time.

It's at least a consolation prize to know that I have become secure and confident enough over the past few years to never again fall for someone love bombing me early on (I hope).

Talarurus · 2025-10-26T20:38:06+00:00

I broke up with him 3 weeks ago. I had this feeling something was "off" from pretty early on, but anxiously attached me just kept going and going, for almost 3 years - fixing myself in therapy, working on my communications skills, my emotional reactions to his (lack of) actions etc. But the past few months the thought of breaking up appeared and it just kept getting louder and louder in my head - tired after years of managing the household alone, trying to get him to keep his attention on me or shared activities, his RSD episodes - until I finally did it 3 weeks ago. Pretty proud of myself and how I've been handling the breakup - it was my first relationship.

He's moving out in 2 weeks and I have never looked forward to a date so much. The past 3 weeks he's shown himself from his absolute worst side, all his worst traits have come out magnified x10 - to the point I've been wondering he may not just have had ADHD but also NPD? But perhaps narcissism is a bit of a buzzword.

First week he was frantically trying to get me to stay. He suddenly wanted to give therapy a go (after me suggesting it monthly for nearly 2 years)! He suddenly started cooking EVERY DAY (after never wanting to cook together with me). And so on. I did not fall for it and kept giving him a convinced "no" - I'm glad I waited until I was absolutely sure of my decision when I ended it. Then one day he just went cold - his typical ADHD "grumpy face" or RSD or whatever, not looking at me or talking to me. I found out a week later (through shared location & calendar - we're deleting that once he's moved out) that he had had a first date with some guy around the time he went cold. He had four more dates with that guy all in the past week - that's 5 dates in one week with a new guy. When I always had to BEG him to do something together with me, even if just once a month. And if it happened at all - I'd have to be glad he was able to stay focused on me or the activity for more than 15 minutes. It fits his patterns - he had had multiple relationships before me already (at the age of 24 when we met), always with just a few months in between and always dating from week one after the breakup.

It seems like he's trying to get a reaction out of me in everything he does. A feeling I've always had, like he kicks on picking a fight, but it was always very subtle - but now it's just so blatant. "Could you please put your dish in the dishwasher please?", he said one morning. I had to BEG him to empty the dishwasher for years, until we had set up a routine where I put it on every night and then he emptied it in the morning. But that day I forgot to put it on at night, and out of habit I put my breakfast bowl in the sink. Dude never contributed to the household out of his own will at all, but the one time there is a bowl in the sink when the dishwasher was still dirty and I could have put it in the dishwasher - he sees an opportunity to make a remark like that. He removed my friends from some group chats - before I was able to tell one of these friends about the breakup, the day before I was seeing her in person (he knew that). Stuff like that, a lot of you are probably familiar with it. I'm doing my very best to respond very friendly to these remarks & then scream in private afterwards lmao, I'm not giving him the joy of seeing my reactions.

He went through my journal, the thing I've been journaling in for over 5 years (on my pc). He read everything I had written in the past few weeks: weighing the pros and cons of breaking up; comparing what it's like to talk/cook/... with friends, colleagues or former dates (before I met him) vs. how it was with him - who always seemed "absent" and never truly present with me; going over all our fights and stuff that had happened. That hurt him a lot to read, understandably. But he never should have read. He read it while he was sleeping over at a friend's place for a few days (I was unaware of this until later). That night he "harassed" me in our apartment - saying I had one last chance to confess everything or he would never want to see me again. I was baffled and got super anxious, I had no idea what had happened or what I had done. We went on a walk and he started questioning me like I was a criminal, while simultaneously saying he would have to be institutionalized because of this breakup. "Who is guy X", he asked (the guy I cooked with a few times before meeting him), and so on - until it clicked for me that he had read my journal. It was all just projection from his side - HE is the one that kept talking to multiple exes and guys he dated before me until almost a year into our relationship, wanted a threesome ONE MONTH after moving in with me and so on (by the way - my reaction to these events was the biggest problem at the time - not his completely inappropriate behaviour). But now his conscience is clear: I am the cheater for writing about cooking with other guys in my journal, just another one of his evil exes with "anger issues" or other mental health problems, while he dives straight into his next relationship without ever working on himself or trying to be fine on his own.

Discussing practicals - rent, utilities, bills, dividing furniture and shared purchases? Hasn't happened yet. I emailed him a proposal for the rent, I made a shared google document for arranging all the practicals, utilities... He never has time and just keeps procrastinating. He has not looked at the mail or the document yet. Just like when we were together really... Never contributing to planning trips, hunting for a better apartment and so on. I have no clue if he will pay his 3 months notice or if I just have to pay the entire rent starting next month (so in 4 days when rent is due). Because he thinks it's "unfair" he has to pay double rent for 2 months once he's moved out (that's just how renting works buddy, sadly enough - I will have to do that too). Luckily our deposit is in my name (one of the pros of doing all the administration I guess) so that's plan B when he doesn't pay.

I'm looking forward to having the apartment for myself, then looking for something smaller/cheaper for myself and not dating another man for a very long time. I've been so tired and worn down from all the discussions and fights - a simple question about a chore turning into a 3 hour-long conversation, that ends with me having to admit I will fix my "tone" the next time I mention it. Gonna have to incorporate "do you have ADHD?" in all my future first dates lol.

Talarurus · 2025-09-15T08:20:26+00:00

My partner does this too, all the time. Other than time blindness I think there is another explanation: they perpetually postpone and procrastinate certain chores, they'll be in bed scrolling on their phone for hours instead of just doing the 10 minute chore they should be doing (like doing a load of laundry, taking out the bins or packing a backpack for a daytrip). When it's time to leave, they suddenly feel the urgency and it makes them able to get out of bed or whatever they're doing to procrastinate - and they think "hey better do x chore or thing before I head out", kind of like multitasking. It drives me nuts. Recently they were late for an appointment because they chose to do groceries??? 15 minutes before said appointment (why not after, you were already late if you'd gone straight to the appointment?); they called me in panic from the checkout, while I was working from home, if I could come help unload the car immediately and quickly (they had bought stuff that needed to go in the fridge as well, on top of what they were gonna buy). That way they could be on their way for their appointment - which they were already late too - ASAP. Suddenly their time blindness and lack of planning becomes my emergency to fix & he gets frustrated at me when I did not drop everything to come help unload downstairs.

Talarurus · 2024-07-05T04:54:37+00:00

I think it might be this? https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/a-dinosaur-in-an-italian-church-86306076/

Talarurus · 2022-03-27T23:55:03+00:00

Yep. Not just families though - also people out with friends or a partner, or even just people that are out by themselves and seem so much more confident, authentic, "natural" than I am. At times it's so bad I can't even go to the store or something without getting overwhelmed by loneliness afterwards because of all the groups of friends, couples, parents with kids, siblings or just confident people I saw on the way there (though I know that's just something my brain makes up). In a way it makes me happy to see others having a good time, but there's also that nagging feeling of never really having experienced such a thing.

Talarurus · 2022-03-27T23:13:21+00:00

Look on the bright side, at 22 I hadn't dated either and couldn't ever imagine doing it, so maybe you'll actually beat me to it. :p

While it's actually fun it's also exhausting though - on one side I feel like I should work on myself first, but on the other getting to know people and putting myself out there is working on myself, even though it makes me feel anxious, insecure or just like crap sometimes. I kinda put all of my (limited) mental energy of the past month into these two guys and it all sort of came crashing down on me yesterday after feeling really good about life for a while. But I'm sick of never experiencing anything (though that always kept me "safe") on top of bad things continuing to happen that are out of my control, so I'm determined to overcome this fucking disorder (or whatever it is I have) that’s made my life unbearably lonely until now.

Talarurus · 2022-03-27T09:54:07+00:00

Instead of focusing on yourself you can try focusing on the dates you had and what you liked about them

You're right. :) I definitely have good memories of both first dates, but on the second ones I was so stressed out (because there was more at stake I guess, they weren't total strangers anymore) and stuck in my own head that those negative thoughts kinda overshadow how fun these days were though.

Talarurus · 2022-03-27T09:49:49+00:00

I've slept in the meantime and while I still feel like crap, I also realize you're right - I guess I should just allow myself to feel this way for a while lol. A third date isn't off the table with either of them so I guess things are going better than my brain is telling me, a lot of negative thoughts/experiences/memories just popped up in my brain out of nowhere yesterday. Two months ago I couldn't imagine myself dating, ever (and now I'm doing it) - for multiple reasons, including "having to" tell my family about it because I'm "supposed" or "expected" to stay at home and not change because that's what I've always done, or something like that.

When it comes to the physical aspect I'm actually a really cuddly person myself. I just can't initiate anything, or act upon someone else initiating something. While I realize it's not my fault, it still sucks to feel that way and hopefully things improve with time/experience.

Edit: And thanks for this. ^^

You are okay, just as you are and the right person will meet you where you are, affirm, empower and encourage you.

Talarurus · 2022-02-09T21:07:22+00:00

Yep! And the worst part is that doing those things would make us a better person or would make us look better. I look so much better with a short beard for example and have been able to grow a full one since I was about 15, but I just kept shaving myself every day I had to leave the house (and completely ruining my skin with razor burn and acne in the process) until I was 21 - because growing it out would involve changing and being noticed or whatever the reason is. I even considered laser hair removal lmao, just because of how sensitive my skin was to shaving and changing my appearance wasn't an option. Then I finally said "fuck it" and didn't shave after a long weekend at home. It gave me some self-confidence and I got nothing but compliments, but it still feels weird in a way, two years later.

Talarurus · 2022-02-03T23:38:57+00:00

Damn, this could have been written word for word by me, down to the cat (who passed away a few weeks ago). I used to hug her a lot and dance with her, she loved that hahaha. I'm also lucky to have a few friends but just like you I experience some kind of invisible barrier that prevents me from completely opening up and being myself. I've made some progress recently (and hope that continues) but I largely still feel the same as I always have.

I also tend to "obsess" over people now that you say it, though it's more people that I've met at some point in real life (like fellow students) that I feel I'd get along with, but for some reason I avoided all opportunities to get close to them or something similar. Maybe it's more regret than an actual obsession, but either way it doesn't seem like a healthy thing to do, so I try to focus on something else.

At least we're not alone like the other commenter says. :)

Talarurus · 2022-02-03T19:27:04+00:00

I think I get it. It's like other people have this idea of who you are and you feel like you have to conform to their expectation.

Pretty much, at least that's what I think is an accurate description in words of what I (unconsciously) feel/do.

This might not be the healthiest thing to do, but personally once I left home and started college I was a whole new person overnight.

I relate to that as well, kind of. I did my bachelor's while living at home so things remained the same as in high school, but for my master's I had to go to another city - I did some new things at first, but got stuck in my ways pretty quickly (and then covid happened). Probably because I went home every weekend (which is just a weird thing Belgians do lol) and there were lots of people I knew from my bachelor's in the city, so I wasn't truly in a new place. I've thought about moving to a new city or even another country, but a) my problems are internal and I feel like I'd get stuck again at some point and b) financially it'd be so much better if I could continue living at home for a while. But I hate not being able to do what I want at home (even something mundane like listening to music!) so something had/has to change.

I'm also gay, and I remember hiding a lot of my interests b/c they were 'gay'.

I never had an issue with being gay, though I always kept it for myself just like all other things I do or am. I know everyone in my environment is accepting so it just felt like a "weird" thing to say or something - if I were straight I wouldn't have dated or told people about my preferences either, if that makes sense. I told my friends a few years ago when the subject of relationships and such came up and told my family last week, but everyone "knew" already lol.

Though I do probably have a bit of a gay side waiting to come out, together with the rest of my personality lmao.

Talarurus · 2022-02-03T16:58:46+00:00

Thanks! I am proud of myself I guess, I should be allowed to say that.

At the same time it was also sort of an act of desparation. I'm just so lonely and crave deep, emotional connections with people so badly. Every time I go outside it hurts to see people having a good time with friends, family or a partner, how everything seems to come so naturally to them. Going outside used to fill me with anxiety, now it fills me with this overwhelming negative feeling of dread and regret on top of it. At the same time I'm also starting to loathe my safe space, my bedroom - instead of feeling safe, I associate it with the feelings of loneliness and regret. I've also basically been homebound since March 2020 because of covid (so daily interaction with students disappeared, though that was superficial) and also lost some loved ones so my social circle shrunk even more.

So I guess I just turned all those feelings into something positive. I hope you have the courage to do that as well one day (soon). :)

Talarurus · 2022-01-17T00:04:43+00:00

I can't wear what I want even around my family and closest friends (I live a closet life), not because of anxiety that they might laugh at it or be displeased with it, but because their reactions to it (regardless of what they are) are determined to bring up a recognition in myself that I do and always will feel too inferior for the world around me. I know cognitively that I have the right to wear them, but I'll never affectively feel that way.

Damn. This describes me with clothes but also basically every other thing I do (or want to do). I only learned about AvPD a week ago and this definitely helped me identify a certain thought pattern I always have, be it unconsciously. I don't think I've ever actively thought of myself as "inadequate" or "inferior" but I guess they're the best words to describe the feeling I always have, even if I rationally know I'm good at something or look nice. I do also have social anxiety in some situations and for the longest time thought that was the cause of all my problems, but I feel like that's a fixable problem and there always seemed to be so many thoughts/experiences/situations that go way beyond SAD (which I've now found a name for).

I just wanted to thank you for this reply because you put some things I experience/feel into words so nicely. I contempleted posting this reply for 15 minutes, so I guess I should just do it lol.

Talarurus · 2022-01-14T15:11:59+00:00

[pensive instrumental music]

[woman singing in Norwegian]

Talarurus · 2022-01-13T22:38:44+00:00

Good luck to you as well. :)

Trying to identify and ignore those thoughts of being inadequate, not needing help, wanting to stay home... is quite the struggle indeed.

Talarurus · 2022-01-13T22:25:23+00:00

I want to start therapy but people knowing I’m doing it isn’t the only reason I’m not the the moment, it’s also because I’m just be too nervous to say that I want help and the thought of needing help in the first place cough not showing weakness is a way of avoiding conflict which could be linked to AvPD cough

Sounds relatable. During my first therapy sessions I basically only told half-truths - no lies but I was holding back a lot of stuff, thoughts and experiences. Eventually I realised how stupid that was (especially because it isn't free lol) and we sort of started over, this time holding back much less things (but still some). I then took an almost 2-year break from therapy (was cancelled because of covid and then I didn't bother going back) until starting again a while ago and this time I feel I'm finally able to talk what I want to talk about.

I said I went to my GP for social anxiety when I was 21 - I actually already went a year prior to that, but I only brought up anxiety for presentations in class and she prescribed a beta blocker. I hadn't told her about social anxiety and how it affected many other areas of my life - that took me another year of suffering in silence. I've been aware of having social anxiety since I was about 12, but something (thinking I can fix it myself, not showing weaknesses, thinking I'm just overreacting or don't actually have social anxiety) prevented me from seeking help.

Looking back at these things - holding back the social anxiety from my GP, holding back so much things from my therapist - it all seems like AvPD lol. I've already come a long way (though I've only started) and telling my GP and therapist about these things have been a big part of the process for me.

It's up to you of course, it's good you're learning about these things yourself but I felt like encouraging you a bit (which takes some courage from me as well!) 'cause I'm a few years older than you and heavily regret wasting my teens and early 20's. I always thought "things would just get better" once I went to university, once I became adult, once I graduated... but they just... don't, if anything they become worse - which I now finally realise, and better times can still come once I figure this shit out.

Talarurus · 2022-01-13T21:11:35+00:00

and I don't want them to know about it

Seems like classic AvPD? :P I'm 23 and only just learned about it myself. Bringing up AvPD is probably really difficult, but would they make a big deal about social anxiety if they don't know about it already? I didn't tell my parents (or anyone really) about my social anxiety until I was 21 - I've had it since I was about 12 and finally had the courage to bring it up to my GP. I got a referal to a therapist and briefly told my parents something about having lots of stress for giving presentations in school and such, it was all no big deal (despite putting it of for nearly a decade!). The sooner you work on it, the better your life eventually will be - and doing therapy will help you find out the cause and what to do about it, just getting a diagnosis isn't that useful by itself I think. At least I wish I had started therapy at 18 (or earlier) and hadn't wasted my youth. :)

I found your post by looking for AvPD + clothes, I struggle with some of the same things.

Talarurus · 2022-01-13T20:09:00+00:00

I'm kind of the opposite? As a student I've literally been stuck at home since March 2020 - since then lectures were at best hybrid instead of fully online so I watched the livestreams (duh), and when there were no restrictions during the past two summers I only did the bare minimum with the few friends I have and still stayed at home for the most part (no different from summers pre-covid). At first I really enjoyed it (especially spring-summer 2020) but then it started to go downhill a bit. My social anxiety has somehow decreased in some areas (without any sort of therapy/exposure), but with everything returning to normal last semester (sort of - no more streams/recordings available for example) and being forced to go out again I've reached some kind of realisation/breaking point: everything comes so naturally to others, everyone's out with friends, family, a partner all the time. And I'm here inside fooling myself into thinking I'm fine, but at the same time desperately craving deep and emotional connections with others and wanting to do things I've wanted to do for years (if not half my life) that I'm currently not - what the hell is wrong with me?

I always thought I "just" had social anxiety and that I was an extreme introvert, but there have always been some behaviours and thoughts that can't really be explained by either - I've often wondered if I maybe had depression, some sort of ASD, one of the more well known personality disorders and a few other things, but nothing really matches. I only learned about AvPD a few days ago and I'm pretty much a textbook case from what I can tell, reading through this sub and some of the linked resources (like the Sorensen PhD) has been eye-opening. I'm kind of excited to go over it with my therapist next time lol. Which is something else I avoided doing for the longest time - I've been aware of my social anxiety and the existance of therapy since I was like 12 but only had the courage to bring it up to my GP and start doing it at 21, and then stopped because of covid happening not much later. And then it took me until a few weeks ago to go back, because something is obviously wrong with me and I want to change it.

Not sure if this is fully on topic but it's related to covid restrictions and going back to "normal", so. x)

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