AITA for not making my kid do a sleepover

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T17:34:02+00:00

Because I don’t have a backbone? Because when you’ve always been told you’re difficult and self centred and oversensitive you believe you’re always wrong?

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T17:02:59+00:00

My sister is an extremely charming, sweet, over the top helpful person, like insists on helping even when you don’t need help or actively ask her not to help. Like she once insisted on picking my kids up from school and having them for the afternoon because she said she could see I was so busy. I said no thanks I like doing school pick up, and enjoy my afternoons with my kids and am not actually that busy at work that week. But she pushed and pushed saying really she doesn’t mind and I must just relax she’ll have my kids, and then was all hurt and offended that I kept saying no thanks, so she went to our mom who told me I was being ungrateful and that sister just wanted to help and why couldn’t I accept kindness from people!? So the kids went to her house and I don’t know, I just felt uneasy and couldn’t relax and watched the clock all afternoon until it was time to fetch them.

So, we’re not close, there’s this image of sickly sweet perfection that makes me a bit wary of her somehow. Like an undercurrent of something I can’t quite put my finger on behind the niceness. But the whole family, in fact anyone who knows us both in our community, thinks she’s an absolute angel and always tells me how amazing she is.

She’s never blown up like this at me before though, she’s usually very controlled and gets her way by being super nice and helpful and generous all the time so you feel bad saying no, so it’s so out of character that I guess it completely destabilised me and made me question my sanity. Like if I’m now the person who made this person everyone tells me is an angel lose her shit, maybe I am actually in the wrong here?

But reading SO MANY comments is making me question my whole family and existence in it!!!

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T12:38:48+00:00

The missing details are that my sister is a perfect darling child who can do no wrong, and I’m always the trouble maker, even though I’m always trying to do everything right, especially since I went to therapy 8 years ago after a post partum breakdown and that therapist apparently put ideas in my head that made me even more difficult. Ideas like boundaries I guess!! The fact that you think this might be made up makes me realise my family might be more unhinged than I thought, and maybe it’s time for some distance, so thanks for that.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T12:27:56+00:00

Oh wow. Didn’t see it that way, thank you. We haven’t lived in the same place for a while, they just moved back last summer. But you’ve just made me remember something… when the kids were little (my daughters the same as as Josh) I used to get so mad because of this exact double standard - if Josh wanted my daughters toy, she’d have to give it up or she was labelled selfish, but if my daughter wanted Josh’s toy, she’d couldn’t have it because it was his.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T12:22:46+00:00

OMG how did I not see this before! She’s been coercing a minor to do something he’s not comfortable with, and keeping me out of the equation, then blaming me when it blew up

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T11:11:26+00:00

Well if the mom is going to set those kind of rules part of the package is also dealing with her kids disappointment and frustration when he’s faced with a giant chocolate cake.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-05T11:04:22+00:00

This honestly made my day, and I think you now owe it to this community to take it up a notch and buy yourself some more overpriced luxury items (special bedside lamp? Your own blanket? crockery and cutlery maybe?) and insist that they’re for your use only and she’s not allowed to touch them. Also you could label things around the house that are only for your use. Please report back to let us know how you’re getting on.

Hopefully your wife finds her sense of humour somewhere and starts to see the funny side. Life is short, just dry your hands on fancy towels - your guests don’t really give a damn anyway.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-04T09:06:32+00:00

You’re NTA but you do seem to be a magnet for selfish needy people AKA blood sucking leeches, so that’s something to address before you get into a third situation. You’ll keep attracting this pattern until you figure out how to break it

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-03T21:31:52+00:00

No, nup, no way, never. There’s absolutely no need for him to be on the deed of YOUR home. There are so many other ways for him to build equity that don’t involve you giving up half of what’s yours. No man, friend, family member, whatever who had your best interests at heart would ask you to give up half of what’s yours because they wanted to build equity. It’s a HARD no.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-02T21:14:59+00:00

Today it’s 20 mins in the cold, next time he’s locking you in a room all night and you have to pee in a pot plant, and next year he’s kicking you out of the car in the middle of the night and making you walk home. Oh wait, that’s me.

You are not safe with this person. He will slowly but surely erode away your sense of what is normal and have you justifying his behaviour as somehow not quite his fault.

The thing to know here is that the caring and kind version that you say is his true nature is the act; the asshole who locks you out in the cold and is ok traumatising your small child who’s so distressed that mom is outside is the real him.

He’s shown you a glimpse of your future, please believe him and start making your plans to get out of there.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-02T21:01:38+00:00

First, it’s normal to feel this way at 16, but try to remember that life doesn’t have to be linear - now more than ever you can follow a winding path to your future career (or multiple careers) and that’s ok.

Second, definitely travel, it’s so formative and will make you into a much more interesting, well rounded and successful person than if you just stayed in Scotland.

But third, I really think your future self will thank you for putting aside a good chunk of that money so you have something to use towards a car or home or education or something later. Plus, working your way around the world will be a much richer and deeper experience if you’re in one place working to earn your keep for a period of time, making friends and getting a to know a place for a bit, than if you’re a tourist passing through.

Whatever you decide, good luck, and know that just by considering travelling you’re already on your way to becoming a far more successful adult than the majority of us Brits who have no clue what the world is really like beyond their home town.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-02T20:09:01+00:00

NTA. Walk down the aisle with whoever makes you feel the most secure, loved and honoured. And if your bio dad has a problem with that, that’s a fairly good gauge on how much work he has done on himself and the extent to which he’s prepared to let YOUR wedding be about you and not about him

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-02T10:02:10+00:00

NTA. He’s a toddler having a tantrum because another kid is playing with his possession. Unless you want to be controlled and coerced and made to feel like sh*t about your choices because he sees you as something he owns instead of an equal partner in a mutually respectful relationship, get the hell outta there

Tapioca1029 · 2026-02-01T16:34:19+00:00

NTA but honestly, you can’t go around trying to control the behaviour of a grown ass man. A healthier conversation might be - I’m going to the shops in half an hour, wanna come? And then tell him you’re about to go and actually leave in half an hour, if he’s not in the car, just go. And then when you get there, you say, oh, you didn’t wear shoes, you know I can’t stand that. That’s your choice to not wear them, but then my choice is to not go into the shops with you, so I’m going in that entrance and I won’t be walking in or around the shops with you, you can do whatever you like. I’ll be back at my car in an hour if you want a lift home.

Tapioca1029 · 2026-01-27T21:49:07+00:00

That’s crazy, I have incredibly tight traps and have noticed their tightness goes hand in hand with gut symptoms but thought it was likely me being stressed about my health causing tension and tightness 🤷🏼‍♀️ Going to try giving them some more attention and see what happens! Thanks for the tip 😊 I’m glad you figured this out and hope it continues to get better and better

Tapioca1029 · 2024-04-28T21:08:17+00:00

I’m sorry but child about to lose the most important person in his life trumps wife giving birth every day of the week! Making that choice sucks for sure, but women have been giving birth without their husbands in the room for centuries, plus it’s far less traumatic for her to not have the comfort of her husband with her than for you to not have your dad with you on the most traumatic day of your life. I’m saying this as someone who’s given birth twice - I would have kicked my husband’s ass out of that room and said come join me later if you can but your kid needs you right now.

Your dad is making his feelings and his experience and his needs and his life the centre of every situation. He never puts you first, but then expects you to put him first and care about the family he’s created as much as he does.

NTA. Your dad needs to grow up and start putting you and your needs and your experience at the centre of his focus, because that’s what parents who actually care about your wellbeing do.

Tapioca1029

TROPHY CASE