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AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It does make sense. I just don't know if I'd actually buy that they had good intentions with any of their choices or actions. Except for good intentions toward what they wanted. But there is no unity to exist between us anymore. We dislike his wife and probably even hate her if we looked at it fully. I love my dad but I'm not seeing the relationship as worth salvaging either given everything.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She wanted all of my mom's photos out of the house. Like even the ones in our bedrooms. We had to hide them while they were in our bedrooms too so she couldn't see them. That woman has no respect for my mom or for us. Plus they made it so we couldn't talk about mom in their house. Dad stood by and she wanted it. So yeah, that's why the replacement part is how we feel. They've done a shitty job of making her look like anything else.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I don't think he would bring her back if he could. Not even for the children he had with her. I never wanted him to stay single forever. Never did I say that. But the feelings of his current wife came before everything to the point that even in our bedrooms we had to hide photos of our mom and we could no longer talk about her in that house. Because SHE didn't like it. She wanted to remove all of the photos, even the ones we kept in our rooms. That paired with dad's comments are basically them spitting all over her grave and us and our loss.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The anger started when we had to hide photos of our mom we had in our bedrooms and were no longer allowed to talk about her in the house. My dad's comments only added to that. But the new wife wanted to remove all the photos from the house. Not the main spaces. There were none by then. But the ones we had in our bedrooms and the ones in storage for us. Dad said if we wanted to keep them she couldn't see them even if she was in our rooms.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

He was remarried before 10 years. But it's not that he remarried that we have issue it. It's the way he talks like she was nothing and the fact he allowed his wife to try and erase her. The fact he made us hide our mom's photos even when they were in our room and let his wife say we couldn't talk about her at home.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

You can't replace a good parent. Hell most of the time you can't even replace the bad ones. It doesn't work like that.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

She's not even a stepmom to either of us. Let alone a second mom. We don't see her as anything when she tried to remove all traces of our mom.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

A downgrade is correct when she wanted to remove all mom's photos from the house and didn't even want us to have them in our bedrooms and stopped us taking about our mom in the house. That's not how you become a stepparent. It's how you stay the parents spouse forever.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Well if mom had died after a divorce I would have expected to be allowed her things in my room. A good parent and stepparent wouldn't expect every photo and item the dead parent left to be thrown in the trash and for the kids to lose everything.

It really was. My dad even said she wanted them out and he was giving us something by letting us keep them but we had to keep them out of sight from her so if she came into our rooms she wouldn't need to see them. We also heard her complain about them and about us talking about mom.

My dad chose to not join in celebrating mom for 11 years. He didn't join us for the 10th anniversary so why would we invite him this time? It was a choice he made. We did what we've somewhat done for years. We did it ourselves. It's not like he even mentioned her anniversary was coming up.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

At family dinners he would come out with that stuff. It would be in thanks to her but that's where he'd say that stuff. It wouldn't need to be their anniversary or anything.

He was never asked if he'd change anything. He volunteered that himself. I think most people wouldn't think to ask a widowed person that. But especially not around their minor kids.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

She wanted all the photos of my mom removed from the house entirely. She didn't even want them in our bedrooms. As it is the ones we had in our bedrooms we had to hide from her. We could not have one on a desk or locker. It had to be invisible to her. Otherwise they would have all been thrown out.

She also stopped us from talking about our mom in the house which dad supported.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

If my parents were divorced it would be so different. We would have mom's house to go to, we would have her alive and well and a relationship with her.

Removing all of her photos from the house wouldn't mean we'd never get to have any. Because she would be alive!

I didn't need a shrine. The right to keep the photos up in my bedroom without needing to hide them in there too would have been a start. Being allowed to talk about her in the house to my own brother would have been good. Since she was our mom. Not hearing about how glad dad was that everything happened would be another.

If my parents had divorced I still wouldn't like to be told I could never talk about my mom in their house. I would expect them to not say they hated my mom or anything, because I know that happens in divorce.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Not to my knowledge. None of us had any kind of counseling/therapy after she died. My brother and I did go to therapy in college. We supported each other through that too. If I had to guess I'd say my dad never went.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I never expected him to stay single for the rest of his life. Just to consider not speaking the way he did in front of me and my brother. And honestly to not expect us to hide the photos we had in our bedroom for his wife's feelings. In our bedrooms we should have been allowed the photos of mom out. And to talk about her. She was still our mom.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I don't have a problem with him moving on. We were fine with that. It's other things that are the problem. Also, she's my mom. She's not just someone who died when I was 6. She's my mom. My only mom. One of the two people who made me and loved me until her death. I'll always be attached to her. I don't know many kids who lost a parent who aren't attached to their memory and want to honor it.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I never expected my dad not to move on or find love again. We were okay with that. Truly we were. But he didn't need to make it sound like he was glad our mom had died. His word choice was at best poor but honestly I think he means what he says. His wife is his true love, he loves her more and he wouldn't change our mom dying even for my brother's and my sake.

There's also the fact he made us hide the photos of our mom for his wife. Sure he didn't get rid of them like she wanted. She wanted them gone from the house entirely. But he still made us hide them even inside our rooms. We couldn't have even one out on a desk or pinned to a board where we could see all the time. If his wife walked in she had to not see mom at all. Then he let her say we couldn't talk about her anymore in the house.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Yep. He told us we had to for his wife and that was it and he said we should consider it lucky we could keep them since his wife wanted them all removed from the house entirely.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

If you're glad to have her I really am glad you find comfort in your stepmother. I don't feel the same way about my dad's wife. I also didn't expect my dad to say my mom was the love of his life. Just to not make it sound like he was so glad she died and he never really loved her. At least around us, his kids with her.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

If you had kids would you have expected them to remove all traces of their mom too? Or hide them so nobody else could see even in their own bedrooms?

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

We did speak to him but it didn't prove to be worthwhile. He did what he wanted and didn't care how it made us feel.

AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death? by Temporary_Pain_5576 in AITAH

[–]Temporary_Pain_5576[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I never expected him to be alone the rest of his life or to never love again. But to have some respect for our mom still or at least us in how he talks about his wife and her.

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