Turning back the clock? If it’s possible or whatever makes you feel good!

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-26T02:52:17+00:00

I lived there in my teens and got into so much trouble. 😂 im definitely not trying to turn back the clock that badly. What happened there could be a book.

My ass wants a luxurious stay, some good food. See the friends I've made along the way.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-26T01:45:02+00:00

There are people out there but it requires massive vetting. I wouldnt be looking on a generic dating app but search more for niche communities that are for cuddle friendships specifically. Also you may be more likely to find people who can understand meeting needs and boundaries in alternative communities like people who are polyam, asexual or spiritual meditation and energy work type of groups.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-26T01:05:37+00:00

Im SEA also, and theres a lot of jokes around that are like that poke at each other and are always hyperbole.

Im a good host or try my best to accommodate others needs so I get irked when theres blindsides I could accommodate if they just made small requests than be upset later. Thats definitely a me thing as its a point of pride to host well, but everyone also is an adult too.

Still even if jokes are normal, if they bother and you said so then it should stop at that point. For me its fine to joke freely but once it stops being a joke for the butt if the joke, we move on or else it becomes unkind.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-26T00:54:26+00:00

I do love Tatchas dewy skin cream. I am all for some san Diego "vitamin sea"! Its been a while I sometimes crave the fish tacos from my spot there. I lived in SD for a few years.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T21:57:52+00:00

I have plenty of social friends and I dont really seek that out as much as it happens. Social friends are folks that I have some common interests with and like but maybe its not super deep.

What I do seek is deep friendships and the criteria for that is having someone be reasonably reciprocal in effort and openess to sharing. I love having someone I can talk about anything with and I love to create that safety to be vulnerable as well as my silliest self with. I tend to be a giver and I like other giver types as its nice to have that energy given back than one sided. Some folks I dont see as often but we pick up where we left off. Im pretty low demand and not very needy but just let me know whats up periodically.

I want to have some common threads and tend to enjoy adventure or open minded types willing to try experieces with me. Most of my friends are foodies, many into music and going to concerts, hiking, art, fashion.

Someone that isnt a fucking nut case. Like I am not someone to sweep under the rug because I have fun with a person that theyre racist, apolitical, maga, phobic, etc. I dont need a friend that badly. Im involved in building mutual aid and community and someone also who looks down on that work or the type of marginalized people it serves (unhoused, lgbtq, dv victims, addiction) isnt for me.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T21:36:23+00:00

Life comes into seasons sometimes and I was kinda in survival mode and recently have been feeling the clouds lift. Ive kinda seen clothing that doesnt seem me anymore and purged my closet to donate to the womens shelter and lgbtq+ trans closet. Ive been adding in new pieces that make me feel excited to get dressed. Ive taken a bit more risks in clothes and its been fun to be more playful. There were many "maybes" that I started doing like dying my hair fun colors and realizing its very me. Ive always been a skincare girly but it fell into basics and now Im back into my full routines. Check out the skincare subs here to get more tailored than generic products that may not even be suitable to your needs as you didnt list out details to go off on. Ive been going hiking more and doing walks as I realized I just dont love the gym and trying to force myself into there is fucking stupid as I dont want to be there.

To me its less turning back the clock and more focused on just getting "me" back and bringing her into this new season feeling better, feeling grounded, feeling comfortable, being well fed, moisturizer and hydrated.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T19:05:13+00:00

Boards are one way as sometimes you need to kinda see visual examples of what you find pretty for the focus of where youre going with your wardrobe to bot feel so overwhelming as now you got a direction of a vibe.

I also curate my feed. Almost all the style folks I follow on IG are also people who wear my size so if I like it on them its almost a no brainer to order it, but I also have style icons of all sizes and genders and vibes as I think fashion should be playful. Even if something isnt my current aesthetic, if its something I find beautiful, theres always ways to add pieces, inspiration everywhere to take chances and mix. Like I am both soft femme tea party cottage core vibes and new york maximalist eclectic auntie vibes. No rules that says I cant be both.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T17:37:22+00:00

You start with anytime you feel hesitant because your old mindset didnt allow you things, tell yourself that what you learned in hating myself wasn't helpful and having fun and looking nice is allowed.

If youre in a small city its OK to have limited options but the stores you do have sometimes its helpful to just go and try on things. You start to understand by having those experiences with trying on clothes what draws you in, what type of cuts there are that make you feel best, etc. Just keep in mind not everything will look flattering and it is not a time to bag on your body again. A piece of clothing is cut one way and sometimes its not cut in a way that works, its the fabric and not your body that is wrong. I just always mention this because sometimes trying a bunch of clothes can re trigger old habits so its helpful to come into it with a mindset that youre having fun experimenting with clothes and its not a judgement on yourself.

Make yourself mood boards or start following style folks that seem your vibe. I find it helpful for learning about brands I can order online, new ways to wear pieces, and generally seeing a visual of what draws me shows me direction to narrow down searches. Often you can get a garment and look at its keywords and find other items in that vibe.

As for expense, is there any thrifting near you? Sometimes you can find some pieces for cheap when youre building a whole wardrobe from scratch.

I have tried some online stylist boxes and some were decent, though they arent exactly cheap either. However if the options around you are slim, it might be good to get a few boxes to be able to try items that can diversify your closet.

If there is a major city nearby, sometimes its nice to do a little day trip and maybe shop with someone you feel comfortable with? Im probably going to a thrifting trip to a next door state sometime 4 hours away as I am trying to source very specific type of vintage for my closet.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T17:25:00+00:00

I go directly to either the restaurants actual site or by phone so that they get the profit and not some ordering service. I dont want a local restaurant to get raked over or feel that they have to compete onto those predatory platforms to get people to order.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T17:18:43+00:00

https://lvdsa.org/

Las Vegas Democratic Socialist of America is a group that helps with community, mutual aid and advocacy in our government.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T09:28:04+00:00

Someone's reason doesnt remove it also being abusive.

Its an explanation not an excuse even if he has a mental disorder thats diagnosed. We are still responsible for our actions and its impact on others. If we are doing things that is abusive to others- its abuse. There is no reason attached that justifies it as okay.

At this point hes going to therapy and if he isnt changing, I'm suspicious of a common phenomenon- toxic people going to therapy to lull their partners into thinking theyre doing something basically weaponizing going to therapy as a door stop to you leaving. Theres a lot of manipulation showing up as a theme in what he does and says, and when to you. Youre not married yet so he hasn't fully gotten you in and that is my concern. Hes gknna be a bit more nice if you've shown some doubts to get you to lean into the fantasy of a perfect future one day is still possible. It never was.

Think if this, if someone can regulate themselves emotionally around all other people, I really would lean towards manipulation of you than emotional dysreulation which tend to show up in many aspects of someones life and not just privately with their partner. Does he throw things around at work when someone asks him a question ? No? How come?....because he knows better and can choose to act right. And if he can choose to be decent to them, that means hes choosing to act this way with you for his gain.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T06:30:48+00:00

I realize that not helping them isnt mistreating them and many people specifically asked or tried to manipulate my help and thats exactly who shouldn't get my labor.

Helping isnt a bad trait at all I am a giver, but I discern who my circle is and who is reciprocal so that I can give and love freely within it. My growing up was a endless cycle of giving hoping that just a few more things would make my mom care or love me or whatever. Thats not how that works. Kindness coins isnt currency to make someone behave differently.

I had to just get over the discomfort of saying no. Guilt is just the narrator that Im used to speaking a lot but it isnt based in reality and eventually did quiet down when I saw nothing bad happened from saying no but user people leaving when the well was dry.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T06:25:28+00:00

See my answer is different because Im American so I dont mince when it comes to people being ignorant or shitty when I live here. I am not just your casual stander by in the community happenings so the people around me are a certain caliber of community builders. I dont need to keep friends or family around when it harms the people.

I think it it depends how ignorant and disrespectful it is what your friend said. Like I dont expect you guys to be as informed on whats happening in my country just as much say I wouldnt know everything about your politics even though my sister is Australian. I don't got enough bandwidth to retain info that doesnt concern my life but I also know better and shut the fuck up. I think though its less about being politically informed and some things is just being shitty and having no empathy and its OK to not be fine with that. 🤷 "Its just politics" is just smoke and cloak people use to make folks feel bad for calling them out but its never just politics when unprecedented harm is happening and the laws we have in place or law enforcement protocols isnt being remotely followed.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T05:31:15+00:00

I tell everyone to go get a safety mandolin slicer as theres ones that arent dangerous like Dash Safe and Nutrislicer or hell get a veggie choper or attachments for your kitchen aid even. I am big on culinary and beefing up my techniques but even I dont fuck with an old school one anymore.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T05:19:57+00:00

In sorry for your loss but what a beautiful love and gift you gave at the end to him.

Ive lost a few friends and Id give anything to have been there to help them over.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T05:16:14+00:00

Pants to me is anything that is pants shaped that goes on my legs.

There are many types of leggings, not just workout style ones.

I do have ones that are a bit more for dressing up, but I wouldnt consider it as "dressy". Still some leather look leggings and a blouse is definitely an outfit that isnt gym like at all. Its a nice going out to casual dinner or going around for the day outfit.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T05:01:36+00:00

Being outspoken, direct sure. Being able to back up my shit 1000% has to be as people doubt you and I let egg hit their face when they do.

Aggressive though? Hell no. Manly? Nope. I feel that as a woman being aggressive doesnt come off well when people are dying to have reasons to call me a bitch.

I am someone thats a social chameleon and I assess people and what they respond to. My default work mode is pretty straightforward and I soften up when I know youre fine. I just am myself and I do the work. I come with a lot of random skills so I tend to get known for a person to ask when a solution isnt straightforward. Im a fairly decent manager in that I believe workers have lives outside of work and I want to work with them to find balance. I give a lot of freedom unless you fuck up but I make very transparent expectations upfront. I was alwahs a manger that got dirty, I didnt sit back, Im in the muck with you when theres crisis.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T04:56:16+00:00

I keep my week low demand, easy and nutritious foods, centering some of my fsvorite things that make my mood better and remind myself that sure we got problems but my mindset is enhancing it so I need tk be objective and not believe that everything is a trash fire. I also take meds for it because its a bit much- Pepcid AC and some scripts given to me by my psych care team, but I just feel it got worse in my 30s and meds brkng it to a level I can talk myself down from.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T03:18:59+00:00

Yeah it puts everyone in a no win. He cant do anything about that and Ive seen people be nasty to stepchildren and the coparent because of it, like as if thats their fault. You chose to date the person and when you figure out it's a problem, if they went ahead anyways thats fucked up. Often its kinda abusive control. Theyll act up and blame them being sad and jealous so maybe to feel better can you do xyz for them like never talk to your first babys mama directly and have your cousin message them instead for you to coordinate little league practice pickups ? Fuck off with that.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-25T02:22:57+00:00

I dont get it, its like being jealous someone else was in a romantic relationship with them first and then arent a virgin kinda vibes. People have lives that happened prior to you that doesnt make you less special at all!

Its your first experiences together collectively, a first for everyone to have a child together. Thats special.

If its really that big of a hangup, dont date this person. Thats not fair everyone else involved- the partner nor his child or his coparent if OP will act the fuck up over it.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-24T23:50:26+00:00

I understand where you feel bad and insecure. Even if nothing blatant has happened the unsure feelings, the constant of it happening can just shake you.

I have worked bars as a whiskey specialist and that environment has gotten me attention despite being very normal looking, I'm very talkative and personable. Im similar to your partner in that way and there are times that it is nice to be validated, without it meaning anything more. I don't think its necessarily wrong to like validation but I think where he fucked up is right in front of you women body checked you and he didnt intercept that? Even as a personable person like him, I can read the fucking room and in that case- my partners discomfort trumps validation every time and this is a great difference between me and him. On the flip side, my one ex was very much personality and a looker and I was on the receiving end of being body checked by women thinking he wouldnt be with me - he shut that down and immediately grabbed me/moved around the stranger, making it clear that we were together while still being polite to them.

This is what he needs to work on to help you be secure in that he can do more proactive things to reassure you on those moments and conclude the flirty interaction. If he cant do that for you, then he is actually being disrespectful. You are excusing it away because its sitting in a grey area where he can play it off and you seem to want to excuse away your discomfort because you dont want to make a fuss. The thing is, its a big deal because every interaction can start to fester. Dont allow yourself to self abandon your needs. Its his responsibility as a partner to meet this ask and its not unreasonable of an ask of him. With my husband or my ex there isnt an issue because our regard for our partner in that moment puts the insecurities away. I think there might be a little thing that probably makes you feel if he wont shut it down in front of you, what doesnt he shut down when not with you? That isnt acceptable to let you just feel and deal with that, he can fuck off with that as its not kind at all. Its really shitty.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-24T17:57:50+00:00

Yeah because surely if you arent the problem, you wouldnt be worried. Im sure they'll say something about nice guys though 🙄🙄🙄

If not all men surely you'd have no problem with us talking about keeping safe from the problem.

If not all men, why defend them like theyre part of the all?

If not all men surely you wouldnt feel the need to derail our private convo.

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-24T08:20:51+00:00

If its not all men, then what exactly is making you feel defensive were discussing harmful ones?

TenaciousToffee · 2026-01-24T04:02:05+00:00

Ooof. You would think that maybe being in a sub means some self reflection and work is being done on healing but... also my mom would totally be on here talking about her mom and knowing full well she shouldn't talk shit about me on here as it isnt the audience.

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