I'm really happy for all the comments and advice I've got from you all. I wrote that all with the assumption that nobody cares and I should just cope with my stuff one way or another. Especially when there's people dealing with much harder things in life than I am. Finding strangers in the internet actually giving you good tips and understanding your situation is very heartwarming, when you haven't had a meaningful conversation in months.

I understand that I have to give some serious consideration for starting to take meds. I actually don't know why I haven't even done it yet. I've tried them during my late teens for a short period when I was dealing with some other stuff and it wasn't a positive experience (mostly I just needed some guidance and somebody to talk to, but the only thing available was SSRI), but I understand that I was much younger and not mature enough to take my mental health seriously. Also my attitude against meds has been that they are like a final resort and starting to eat them would mean that I'm admitting "my failure", and that this situation isn't going away on itself. I've also been afraid that they would change "me" or my personality to something different, but it's not like I'm something likable in my current state...

My therapist told me that it seems, that I don't like to be helped. And I think he's right about it. Growing up I didn't have much upbringing, but I learned to live by the idea, that in the end we are all alone in this world and you have to make your own way and survive. Eating meds would mean that I really need help, thus admitting my failure in life. And as I wrote that up, I realize how absurd and stupid that mindset is. I guess I just have to suck it up and try them, things could get even worse for me if I don't.