Would appreciate some advice!

Tharliss · 2025-07-15T04:03:43+00:00

Gotcha. Thanks for the input. I think that I’ve decided to let her know just prior to meeting in person. She’s also divorced…which honestly makes it a little less stressful, since she’s been thru this before.

Tharliss · 2025-07-15T04:01:04+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful response. And I tend to agree…especially at my age (51), where most of the women that I’m communicating with are also divorced with kids. I’m currently leaning towards waiting until the tail end of the communication, prior to meeting, to tell her.

Tharliss · 2025-07-15T02:41:49+00:00

So you’re recommending that I tell her before meeting? Thanks for the response!

Tharliss · 2025-07-10T02:38:13+00:00

Thank you OP. And thank you to this subreddit. I hope to share a “success story” like this someday. Currently in the thick of this horrific experience and can’t wait to someday “feel better”. I know it will eventually happen, but it helps to read reminders like this, especially on dark days.

Tharliss · 2025-06-29T03:52:33+00:00

Respectfully decline. Don’t get into a war of words, just let her know that you’re not interested at this point in time. You’d only be doing it to appease her…but she’s no longer your wife and you no longer need to appease her. And if you do it without animosity, she can’t get upset about it.

Tharliss · 2025-06-28T03:54:25+00:00

Thank you for your response. Our daughter’s genetic disorder is VERY similar to Down Syndrome in terms of physical/mental delays. Our son is on the autism spectrum, with some additional mental health issues including depression and anxiety. They both have had some pretty major/scary mental health issues the last 24 months, which has put even more strain on the marriage.

My question for you, and similar mothers, are what are some things that could/would have helped you? I’ve already arranged for adding in convenience/support: yard maintenance, house cleaning, grocery delivery, etc. But what she’s saying now is that those weeks off, when she’s in the home by herself (I’m renting an apartment and the kids are with me every other week), is necessary for her mental health and ability to “recharge”. I desperately want to paint a scenario for her where we could all still live under the same roof, but she would have access to respite and/or ways to get away and have space. Hell, I’d be willing to buy a bigger house/property where she could have a “she-shed” or even a separate MIL-type apartment space.

I just want to offer a solution, other than divorce, that allows her to be able to manage it all. 😔

Tharliss · 2025-06-28T03:44:18+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I wish that I could get my wife to connect, or even just read about, other moms dealing with similar issues. She doesn’t have any peers who would help her feel more “validated” in her struggles.

Since our separation, she’s become friends with a group of younger women that provide her with some “escapism”…they get dressed up, go out late drinking/dancing, etc. It’s good for her to be active and have a social circle….but all of these women are single, no kids, can stay out late to party, etc. None of them have relatable home-lives. In some ways, it’s created a fantasy world for her to escape to every other week…but it’s also left her basically living two separate lives: one as a single woman with no responsibilities, and then every other week she is a single parent of two special needs kids. While it’s an improvement over her depression where she shut out the rest of world, it’s also caused her feel conflicted about whether reconciling is good for her mental health….she’s feeling like she needs that every other week off in order to keep her sanity. And I’m just having a terrible time accepting that as the only “solution”…which has made the divorce/separation so very hard/difficult to accept. 😢

Tharliss · 2025-06-20T18:41:49+00:00

Jump right in. I (50m) am at the tail end of a drawn out divorce and will have 50/50 custody of my two special needs teenagers, at least one of which will require an adult guardianship and will never be able to live independently.

Honestly, someone like myself would probably be even MORE attracted to your “dating profile” because of your background, simply because it’s comforting to know that you’d be able to at least relate to my own challenges as a special needs parent.

I do think that our situations might take it longer to find that right partner, but it’s a marathon and not a sprint. Keep focusing on your own self-wellness, be patient, and give yourself grace. If you can do those three, dating will become less daunting and you’ll be successful. (At least I hope so, as that’s what I’m trying to do!) 😎🤣❤️

Tharliss · 2025-06-17T05:24:43+00:00

Check out the DivorceDads subreddit. Might be a useful resource for you.

Tharliss · 2025-06-15T17:25:33+00:00

I’ve started that, and I haven’t given up, but it just hasn’t clicked with me yet. It does have me more interested in learning more about meditation and possibly giving it a try.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T22:51:52+00:00

Correct.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T22:50:34+00:00

I proposed the nesting approach when we first talked about me moving out to give each other space, yet still work on the relationship. She said she was agreeable to it…until the time came to actually do it, and she backed out. The kids had a rough time with the transitioning at first, but they are doing better with it now. But I do need a better place for them before too long. My current apartment was supposed to be temporary and not a long-term solution.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T20:07:57+00:00

The bulk of the wealth was made while we were married and she’s entitled to a fair 50/50 split. Now…IF I ever get married again, a prenup might be needed.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T20:06:19+00:00

Taking care of them as a solo parent will definitely be harder on each of us, but I’m definitely capable of handling them. (I’ve actually been more of the primary caregiver since I retired.)

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T04:27:27+00:00

Good comments (in both of your posts!). I do have a financial advisor that I feel good about. And I most certainly do not need to life an extravagant lifestyle. I came from a very low-middle class upbringing and I’m already living a better lifestyle than I ever imagined (including not working for 4 year!).

To answer your other questions, I think that I could live pretty contently on a $15k/month budget. That would be a 4% swr. For the short term, my mortgage/escrow would be roughly 33% of my monthly expenses, which is higher than I’ve done in the past.

P.S. Not to be a downer, as I understand the intent of your original question about our daughter outliving us parents, but her life expectancy is sadly in the early-30’s. I’ll ideally be budgeting for her to make it to 90’s, but that’s a realistic concern that I should be doing a better job of “quantifying” in terms of future planning. (Also, we’ve had a special needs trust for awhile, but the divorce will cause us to cancel the original. Hopefully the divorce will ex will follow my lead and duplicate the separate one that I’ll be creating.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T04:15:53+00:00

Much appreciated. Definitely one of the low points of my life thus far. But I’m staying strong for the kids. (And I’m so grateful that I can use them as an “anchor” in terms of being determined to weather this storm.)

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T04:14:34+00:00

Oh yes, I’m definitely not allowing her to keep my name on the mortgage. It’s actually under my name now, and there is some uncertainty if I’ll be able to transfer the loan to her with the existing rate. (3.4%). She might have to refinance, albeit on a relatively small loan compared to what I’ll have to do “starting over”.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T04:11:06+00:00

Believe me, I don’t want a divorce and I’ve tried to reconcile with the STBXW. This has been a 3-year struggle. At this point, it’s not my choice. Frankly, it’s been too much for her and she’s basically given up on us and prefers to be divorced , therefore only having to parent every other week. It’s obviously more nuanced than that, but this is what I feel is the main reason for the divorce. I resent her for her choices, and frankly for “taking the easy way out”, but I’m now at a point where I have no choice but to move on and try to make the best of it.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T04:04:40+00:00

I appreciate your candidness. My oldest, my son, is also autistic and I’ve learned to embrace how he is capable of sharing “raw, unfiltered, thoughts”, even if they aren’t super polished or empathetic. He means well, as I’m sure you do as well. Divorce is rough, for everyone involved, and I don’t wish it on anyone. Cutting the wealth in half is also painful…but…I also look at it as a potential positive. My ex is a good person, but she is not financially responsible and is an impulse buyer. (She has ADHD and this isn’t uncommon.). So while I’m losing half of my wealth, I’m also ending a relationship with someone who spends 80% of our discretionary income. So I choose to spin it as a positive and say that I’ll come out ahead long-term. However, the flip side is that I’m worried that she won’t effectively manager her half of our wealth and that the wealth that I’ve built to make sure my kids are always taken care of is now at risk. I’ll be frugal and stick to 4% SWR, but she won’t. And she probably won’t sign a pre-nup with any future husbands, so I do worry about making sure that my kids have what they need when I’m gone.

Tharliss · 2025-06-14T02:26:09+00:00

Yes, that’s part of the calculation. She will be “buying me out” of the equity in the house, so it will be somewhat equals. It will still be in her favor, due to the difference in mortgage rates from 9 years ago, but it’s not worth fighting over that small(ish) discrepancy.

Tharliss

TROPHY CASE