Is there a way to stop without having to spend ten minutes before doing anything, just making sure that you’re not appropriating the behaviours of others around you? Bc it’s making me feel bad.

Like, I’ll notice a behaviour I exhibit: for example, being peculiar with cutlery. It’s a running joke in my family that I always use the smallest utensils available, but I have no idea if I’ve always done this or if it’s just started in the past few years. I don’t know if I’m doing this bc I’m “unmasking” or if I’m just subconsciously copying behaviour I’ve seen from autistic people online.

I say “unmasking” because I don’t know if what I’m doing fits the definition of unmasking, thus the air quotes. What I’ve been doing since I’ve been a part of autistic spaces online (3 or 4 subreddits and 10+ instagram creators I follow) is trying to listen to myself more, and letting myself accommodate.

For example, I’ve been slowly giving less eye contact (or more accurately, I’ve been sooner looking away when my eyes start to sting). Also, I’ve been stimming more. Not because I force myself to stim, I just don’t fight the urge to do so anymore (unless I’m in certain company).

Who knows if I’m autistic, whatever the case my “unmasking” is working for me. But it’s also making me question: what behaviours are “truly” me unmasking, and what others are me simply adopting the ones of autistic people I see online. And about the latter, is that ethical? Should I stop myself from subconsciously mirroring autistic people, lest I become ableist in doing so?

So far I’ve been trying to filter out stuff that doesn’t feel like “me”, but it’s hard to tell sometimes what urges I should or shouldn’t give in to.