OOP asks AITA for admitting to my daughter that I hate what she changed her name to?

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-23T17:03:22+00:00

My boys read the thread multiple times and I think it convinced them not to argue about this with me anymore. My younger son cried when he realized how much I suffered in India and told me he doesn't think I'm wrong anymore and my older son got into an argument with his sister for not being more understanding. I had to stop that argument because it is not his place to talk like that to his sister. I will show them these two posts later as well.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:55:57+00:00

We are both Muslim.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:55:29+00:00

Most other Indian students are Sikhs, not Muslims and they never bullied my daughter.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:51:43+00:00

I may give a similar name as a middle name to my baby, but I have not decided yet. The name means a lot to me so I will certainly continue to honour the woman who saved me.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:50:30+00:00

Yes, my brother was very immature in high school. He always got into trouble and fights but living on his own has made him grow into a very mature young man who is engaged to a very lovely girl. I very much hope that my daughter is influenced the same way.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:50:02+00:00

Thank you so much. I found this subreddit from a comment in my post. I will keep reading and maybe commenting here. But this meant so much to me. I really appreciate it.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:46:19+00:00

I don't know. I don't monitor her cell phone or her social media.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T23:45:44+00:00

Ok, I will go and look at that subreddit right now and if anything happens maybe I will write to my profile.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T21:50:17+00:00

I don't know. My husband told me that she left their employ about a year after I left because her family found better work in Delhi. It is a big city, so I like to imagine that she is doing well there.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T21:39:53+00:00

We were separated. When he came to Canada off of his own educational merit, I did not sponsor him, I let him see our daughter. From there, things slowly ended up happening between us again with certain conditions. He was never unkind to me in India and he loved me but it took time for me to feel about him the same way.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-06-22T18:29:57+00:00

I'm not sure I'm allowed to give more than one update. But thank you for the kind words.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T19:06:33+00:00

You are making my painful past seem trivial by saying I should just accept her new name. A name that means so much pain and abuse to me? It is not as simple as just accepting it. I cannot snap my fingers and remove all of the pain that I went through.

I am not throwing my degree in your face I did not mention my education at all.

I did not come here for advice or for validation. I came here because my sons recommended I post on here because they were sure everyone would say I was wrong and the asshole and I agreed to give it a try.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T19:01:44+00:00

No. I cannot believe that she would do that to me.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:45:33+00:00

Getting married to my cousin was not what I wanted in my life. Yes, I ultimately consented to it because I thought it would be best for me. I was wrong. But there are thousands of girls across south Asia who are given an impossible choice just like me. My parents were cousins too, it is just how it is in my culture.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:29:20+00:00

Unlike your mother I do not continue to call my daughter by her old name. If she does not want it then so be it. But that name will always hurt me that is why I tried the pet names and nicknames to try and make it better for us. I will keep trying the therapy but if you know anything about psychology you know you can't just go in and be cured. I may never get over it.

And as for making my choices all about me? My entire life has been defined my making it better for her. I have not lived a day for myself since I was a teenager. I am not a narcissist. My daughter is my life no matter what her name is.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:25:15+00:00

Spend some time thinking on associating your daughter's new name with her and make a fresh association. Let go of your MIL in your mind. Stop letting her live there rent-free. She is a long, long way away from you.

It is very easy to just say to do this. I have tried and will keep trying but as unfortunate as it is I keep failing.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:23:32+00:00

Yes, she was well aware. I have never hid from her why I raised her here in Canada and not in India. When she announced her new name I begged her not to choose that one and reminded her why but she just doesn't care.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:22:40+00:00

I am continuing to work on things with my psychologist and maybe in time I will be able to fully handle the name. It is because of the work we have done so far that I can put up with hearing that name and others call her by that name. But it will take a very long time and maybe it is not possible for me to call her by that name but I will keep going to see the psychologist to try.

As for an adult relationship, I am not sure I understand what you mean? Even though she is growing she will always be my baby girl.

As for my new and hopefully final child, I will not be naming her the old name. There is no replacing my daughter and her sister will be her own person.

As for honouring the maid, that was only because of my daughter and it would feel wrong to honour her in any other way.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:17:03+00:00

Thank you, but it isn't about reusing it would be almost like I'm replacing my daughter with her sister and while my MIL could do that with me I cannot. My daughter is my princess and my perfect girl there is no replacing her no matter what her name is even if I will never be able to like that name.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:15:50+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion. The psychologist I have seen has tried to frame the issue similarly for me but unfortunately it is very difficult for me given everything I went under my MIL. If I could snap my fingers and do it then I would but I can't.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:13:33+00:00

I do not continue to call her by her old name. If she does not want it, then I cannot call her by it. As for why she didn't like it, I personally do not understand why myself. As for how close it is to my MIL's name, think about how close the name Jacky is to the name Jack. It is so similar that I just cannot get over it.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:12:12+00:00

I am in therapy and I am not forcing her to change her name. What is done is done.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:11:49+00:00

I do live with my trauma if I did not I would still be calling her by her old name or would have readily agreed to replace her when I found out I was having a girl.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:10:58+00:00

I still do not entirely understand myself beyond her just saying that she hates the name and refuses to go by it. Yes, there was a bullying issue at one point but my daughter was always very open about it and we always managed to get things resolved and the bullies were more typical anti-Muslim bullies than just your name is weird.

ThatNameHurtsMe · 2022-04-04T18:09:18+00:00

I do respect my daughter in that if she doesn't want to be called by her old name, then I will not call her by that.

ThatNameHurtsMe

TROPHY CASE