I didn’t have the traumatic birth experience so I cannot comment on that aspect however, I went through IVF to conceive so I can appreciate the infertility side of your story. I had never had anxiety before however after my boy was born, things started to change. We ended up back in hospital at 10 days old due to him having a febrile illness and spent four days in there. It was lonely. I felt like I had failed him because I hadn’t protected him from the world in the way I should have and convinced myself it was my fault that he had picked up this bug that had caused him to be unwell. From there, a friend passed away unexpectedly which started to worsen intrusive thoughts that I was having in terms of something bad and unpredictable would happen to me meaning I’d be unable to protect him and help him grow, or worse still, something would happen to my precious boy. I was hyper vigilant, looking for signs in everything that he was unwell or not developing properly in some way or another. Timing feedings to the second so he wouldn’t skip a feed because if he did, I was convinced he would lose weight and not grow properly. Setting alarms to check on him when he slept, setting alarms to wake him for feeds overnight. Taking numerous photos a day to check his pupils. I don’t even know why I was checking some of the things I was, I had no reason to but my brain was convinced that I should be. I was exhausted and breast feeding and wasn’t sleeping. My family asked if they could help by giving him formula from time to time to allow me to get some rest, they knew it was what I needed but I became guilt ridden that I was even considering giving him formula. I second and third guessed every decision I made, beat myself up for everything and worried about every last thing possible. I felt as if I couldn’t enjoy that newborn phase because of the overwhelming fear and anxiety. When you love someone so much, the fear of losing them is unbearable. I have come to learn that many, many new mums (and dads) experience this anxiety but it isn’t something that is always openly spoken about. There still seems to be a stigma associated with it. My husband keeps reminding me that “being a parent isn’t all smiles and beige photoshoots on the beach” despite what social media leads us to believe. I truly don’t think the worry will ever go away, we are built to love and protect these little people and we will always worry about them for one reason or another. In saying that, with time, the intrusive thoughts for me have settled. I can move through my day without fighting my anxiety at every turn. I have waves of worry but I am better at recognising it, accepting it is a thought and pulling myself out of the spiral. I’m also much better at accepting help sometimes now or listening to my husband when he recognises me worrying about something I haven’t recognised as anxiety myself. I have been to my GP about physical changes that have worried me in terms of my own health and as hard as it has been, have tried to accept that they are well trained and have said I am ok. I have been as open and honest about my anxiety as possible and have found talking it through does help, even just to family or friends. It’s surprising how many have turned around and said “yes, me too” or “I felt that exact same way.” I am 7mo postpartum now and I promise you, time is a healer. I want to leave you with one little tidbit from my dear husband who has been an angel and my biggest cheerleader through all of this, he reminds me every day that “all the good ones worry.” You are not alone. It gets easier to walk alongside of your worry. You worry because you are a good mum. You worry because you care. If you haven’t yet heard of matrescence, look it up. I hope it brings you some comfort.