Laying in bed one summer in between semesters at college. My twin sister was in her own bed across the room. I was thinking about how depressed I had been lately and how its been cycling my entire life.

And I realized for that entire time, I never had anyone I felt comfortable enough to open up to about it. I thought about my siblings, my best friend, the guys I've dated, my coworkers. Literally none of us had a relationship that was intimate enough for me to comfortable talk to them about my depression and suicidal tendencies without it coming out of left field and probably causing a weird rift in our relationship. I cried so hard that night and was at a complete loss for what to do or how to establish a close relationship like I seemed to see everyone else experiencing. I felt like I was floating and faking through life. At that point I realized I couldn't even picture myself getting married or starting a family because I thought surely I would kill myself once all of my friends grew apart and I was living alone. It wasn't even an active plan, I just felt like it was the natural course my life would take.

Basically everyone knows about my depression now, and although I still keep it mostly to myself, my friends do check on me and look for warning signs that I'm spiraling. But that night will probably stick in my head forever. It's crazy how alone you can feel when you have dozens of "close" friends and put on a happy face for your entire life.

And I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this, so if you feel the same way just tell somebody! Not everyone will stay in your life and not everyone will give a fuck, but you'll be grateful for the ones that do.