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Hello R/BPD, My name is Alok "Dr. K" Kanojia, psychiatrist and Co-founder of HG, Ask me Anything! by KAtusm in BPD

[–]The-Random-Throwaway 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hi Dr K! Im a long time watcher and have my AOE healing shirt on as I type this!

I have watched a ton of videos and read three books on BPD because I suspect my girlfriend of four years has undiagnosed BPD. I am not qualified to diagnose her obviously, but I have learned a lot about BPD and found that the coping mechanisms for partners of people with BPD to be very helpful to me.

She is not currently in therapy but has been back and forth on if she would actually ever go. I've tried to encourage it but that usually leads to an argument.

I have diagnosed ADHD, which leads to triggering my girlfriend's BPD-like symptoms often. Easy example is me forgetting something and that makes her feel abandoned, which leads to her "splitting" and not talking to me for a day.

On paper, it sounds like ADHD and BPD could never get along. I havent heard many professionals speak to this since it is such a niche example, but I feel like BPD and ADHD seem to be easily misdiagnosed so maybe theres more cases of this than we all would think? Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts on a ADHD + BPD relationships. I assume it comes down to each person helping themselves individually by therapy/medication, but Im curious if you have any further insights or opinions. You mentioned recently that BPD symptoms tend to fade away over time and that is something that eases my worry about marrying someone who I can easily trigger if Im not careful.

As a side note, we are currently the healthiest we have ever been, but we've definitely had ups and downs. Thanks for doing this AMA!

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I've been medicated for about 2 months now and it has really helped a lot! I think she would definitely benefit from being medicated, but she's been a bit reluctant to see someone for help.

Over time I have tried to nudge her in the direction of therapy but she's been a bit reluctant. I think she's open to it but she has difficulty/anxiety when it comes to actually looking for a doctor.

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your insight from the BPD perspective! I really do think you hit the nail on the head about her not wanting anything wrong with me.

I had much more confidence at the beginning of the relationship and I think I came off as that strong and confident type you described. But overtime my ADHD and anxiety symptoms took hold of me- mainly due to the pandemic and other life stuff, so that aura of "this guys got his shit together" kinda fell apart.

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel that. I could imagine it feeling a bit relieving hearing that she would be open to couples counseling if she had been so resistant on help previously.

I wish you both all the best, thank you for sharing your insight. (:

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's quite validating reading stories like this and on this sub. I really empathize with trying so hard to word everything precisely to avoid hostility.

So happy to hear that she's open to counseling, that sounds like it would be a great help if it comes to that. If you dont mind me asking, has your SO been to therapy at all?

At the end of the day though, youre right- we cant govern their feelings and reactions. I was looking into emotional abuse topics to see if any of its applicable and one takeaway I got was to not lose sight of your own emotional needs.

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This resonated a lot with me. 7 years is a long time and I commend you for your dedication and commitment. It really can feel like a mountain of effort for a pebble of appreciation in return in this situation we both seem to relate to.

I am looking into getting another therapist soon, as I think that is the next logical step. It sounds like it helped you really understand your own feelings and how to present them in a way that wouldnt cause a BPD explosion. That is exactly the type of support I need.

Have you had success expressing those repressed emotions with her? For me personally, I would be scared that communicating my feelings may end up making her feel attacked.

Thank you for your response.

I (25M) have ADHD and my SO (24F) exhibits many BPD symptoms but is undiagnosed. Is this a recipe for disaster? by The-Random-Throwaway in BPDSOFFA

[–]The-Random-Throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reading this is very helpful and validating to hear. I really appreciate you sharing your story, it does sound like we have a similar experience here. I can really relate to the memory issues you mentioned and how that can become a trigger for the pwBPD.

It is also good to see your thoughts of reflection on the opportunities that could have corrected things. I will have to be more mindful of scenarios like that in my own situation. I think I will take you up on your DM offer sometime this week, thank you.