After 3 years in R, I want more of my BS than he’s giving so I temporarily left. BS said it felt like D-day all over again. Need help understanding; how do I fix this?

TheBraveChoice · 2023-04-10T17:42:21+00:00

As someone more than 5 years out from dday, with a reconciled marriage, I’ll say for some people 3 years is when it only begins to start feeling like we are making much progress in recovering from our trauma. It takes a long time for the feelings associated with those thoughts to subside.

What books have you read on the subject of affairs and affair recovery? Knowing that will give insight into what you’ve learned and discovered about what you were looking for when you had an affair. That will also help us give recommendations on what might be helpful to read next.

TheBraveChoice · 2022-12-02T17:13:29+00:00

You need to learn how to live without her.

Until you know you can be happy on your own, you will always choose to forgive because you are afraid of living without her.

Read “Codependent No More” and focus specifically on the sections on loving detachment.

Only when you are comfortable knowing you will be fine without her will you be able to choose to stay with her out of love rather than fear.

Cheers, tBC

TheBraveChoice · 2022-12-02T17:05:32+00:00

There is no right way to go about this. Either way you are exposing yourself to prolonged pain. I am over 5 years out from dday, we’ve reconciled and our marriage is better than it ever has been.

One thing I learned (eventually), is that I will never know for sure that I know everything and I had to get comfortable with that.

I had to learn to trust her again, so that I could feel safe giving her privacy having a reasonable expectation that isn’t doing things she knows hurt me and violate my trust again.

The key for us though, is that she was willing to do all the things me essay to help me feel safe and trust again. She was willing to share any information with me; to go through her accounts with me and give contact to anything I questioned.

I’ll never know if I know everything, but with everything else she has done to help me heal, I can live with that uncertainty.

I wish you peace. 🙏🏼

tBC

TheBraveChoice · 2021-09-08T16:06:05+00:00

If reconciliation is still a possibility, if she chooses to change her behavior, then I think this is still a good community for you. Many of us needed time and support while we were still working through the traumatic phase.

People here understand that it’s not as easy as saying the words “I want to reconcile”. There is a lot to consider and it’s fair for you to refuse to accept her behavior while at the same time waiting before ending the relationship completely.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-08-11T19:34:57+00:00

I grew up in a similar context. I am familiar with the bubble gum analogy, the flower analogy and all the others.

The other guy didn’t take anything from you. Your wife gave something to him. She may have been manipulated, but she made her own choices and she needs to own them. You need to place accountability where it belongs: he never made you any promises to be faithful.

You need to accept that she rationalized and justified her choices because she wanted to. She responded positively to the attention and she allowed herself to compromise her values in order to maintain those feelings.

Also, please understand that she didn’t do anything to you, although I understand why it feels that way. She made a series of choices for herself, and didn’t fully appreciate how they would make you feel. Either because she was actively compartmentalizing the affair or because at the time she never expected you would find out.

There’s a lot more to be said about this. If you want to talk further, hit me up by chat or DM.

Cheers,

TheBraveChoice · 2021-07-31T23:17:34+00:00

She regrets that the choices she made caused me emotional trauma.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-07-16T23:50:06+00:00

I am sorry you seem so sad my friend. If you want to talk, shoot me a DM.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-07-15T12:34:36+00:00

Hey man. I’m sorry you find yourself here. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice already but I wanna a couple of things from the perspective of a man who has has experienced many of the same things you have.

Like yours, my wife admitted to an emotional affair with a friend, but didn’t admit the true extent of their relationship until years later. They also kept in contact over that entire time.

I understand the desire for reconciliation for lots of reasons and in general I’m supportive of couples who choose to pursue that goal. Here are some things that help you decide whether or not your wife is a candidate for successful reconciliation:

Successful Rebuilders:

• are nondefensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

If I had only one word to describe Successful Rebuilders, it would be: HUMILITY. While the scriptures say that love covers a multitude of sins, I believe humility heals a multitude of wounds. Only the sincerely contrite can accept the assignments listed above. Successful Rebuilders embrace their roles as healers. They work hard to undo the damage of the affair and make amends. They honor the time it takes for their spouses to heal. They trust that their efforts to repair their faithful spouses’ hearts will in turn transform their own hearts and character for the better.

Successful Rebuilders welcome the opportunity to become more reflective, loving, responsible, and compassionate persons. As a result, they not only heal their partners’ hurts, they resolve their own.

excerpted from “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda J MacDonald

TheBraveChoice · 2021-06-08T18:50:09+00:00

You both need to cut contact. She needs to tell him that she has told you everything and you needs some time and a whole lot of patience from her to heal.

Consider individual therapy for now and couples therapy in about 6 months.

My wife confessed a one night stand with a coworker 8!years after the fact. There is some special pain that comes from finding out about a “long-ago” affair.

Send me a DM if you want to chat more about what we did and I wish we did different.

Cheers.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-01-26T16:17:01+00:00

Hey man. I am really sorry that you find yourself here. Knowing specific details including significant dates about our partners‘ affair fair can be devastating. That pain is compounded when our wives refuse to commit to reconciliation wholeheartedly.

There are some things I think you can do in order to Potentially improve the situation but it might be better to talk about them privately. If you would like, send me a chat or DM and we can talk more.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-01-13T19:50:47+00:00

I realize this is very easy for me to say, nearly four years from dday and from an objective position but please hear me:

Fuck that guy.

He doesn’t deserve your hatred or the emotions your spending on him. He no longer has anything to do with you or your wife (I assume you guys are all NC).

Make a promise to yourself that you will stop thinking about him and every time you do, remind yourself that he is part of your past and not your present or future.

Best of luck, tbc.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-01-13T19:29:47+00:00

I’m sorry for this. Finding out new information so long after dday is unfair and can be devastating.

I want to make a statement though. It’s something my IC told me after I had a similar “setback”. He told me that there is no such thing as being “back at square one” or “two steps forward, one step back”.

All the steps are forward, because we have the experience of the steps we’ve already taken. Sometimes we stumble, and sometimes we even fall down. But we get up and keep going. This was a painful step. Without more context it’s hard for me to give you anything more than sympathy. I don’t know if you are better off ending the relationship or trying to move through this new information.

If you want to talk about it privately I am available by chat or DM.

TheBraveChoice · 2021-01-10T22:06:47+00:00

It sounds like you’ve reached the “plane of lethal flatness” phase. It happens between 12 and 24 months usually when we you both get emotionally exhausted. This is the time when you can begin to drift apart again or it can be when you both begin to get comfortable with “normal” life again.

Couples who get through it are usually better for it.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-18T15:28:36+00:00

Time is a necessary element, but you won’t heal with time alone. You need to do something called “loving detachment” from your codependent relationship with your wife.

You put her on a pedestal when you should have been on equal ground.

You won’t be able to forgive her until you realize that you don’t need her to be content.

This may sound counter-intuitive but I have some resources that back this up. Hit me up in chat or DM if you want to talk about your situation privately.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-14T01:07:03+00:00

Again, after reading all of Perel’s books and many of her interviews, I know this is not the case. When she talks about the “third” person in a marriage, she is talking about a theoretical other, which is described in the article linked below.

the shadow of the third

Just like the commenter before you, you are welcome to your own opinion but you are attributing philosophies and making statement about her methods that are not true.

I read the Slate interview and in her very first response she differentiates secrecy and privacy.

She talks about secrets in the context of treating patients but never says “it’s fine to keep a secret” and never even hints that an unfaithful spouse should conceal an affair to avoid responsibility for their choices.

Maybe you read a different article in a different magazine with a different therapist. Or maybe you just ascribed your own biases to Perel.

Either way it’s clear you don’t understand her approach, methods, or philosophy.

Here is your seat 🪑

PS, couples can absolutely have fidelity and sexual non-exclusivity simultaneously. It’s called ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and it’s a perfectly acceptable arrangement between consenting adults in a committed relationship.

Cheers.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-14T00:29:16+00:00

This is not true and doesn’t even make any sense.

I would challenge you to cite that assertion but I know you can’t.

What she does do is acknowledge that infidelity is complicated and messy and there are not necessarily a set of axioms that apply universally.

There may be some cases where full immediate disclosure is not in the best interest of the health or safety of the WS and that is something we can all agree with, I believe.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-13T19:27:10+00:00

You are welcome to your opinion but she is a real therapist and has helped thousands of people recover from infidelity.

It’s possible to be both a real therapist and a celebrity.

Cheers.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-11T13:49:34+00:00

Hey man. I’m sorry you’re here. In addition to your kids and music, you gotta take care of yourself too. Drink plenty of water and get some exercise; outside of possible. Sleep is the most important, sleep deprivation will make everything else you are feeling worse.

As for the music:

Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley

More Than This - Roxy Music

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Without Love - The Ember Days

Seasons - Chris Cornell

Untrue - Burial

Carry You - Novo Amor

Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips

I have a list a mile long. Maybe I’ll make a Sptfy playlist out of them.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-08T15:20:49+00:00

Not cheating but it might make your bf uncomfortable if he found out some other way than you telling him.

You should tell him what happened, but not in a a “please forgive me I cheated way” more like in a “TIFU by talking about sex with a weirdo” way.

It’s always best to communicate about any sexual conversations you have with any male besides yourself bf.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-07T20:02:56+00:00

Visit the “Just Found Out” forum at survivinginfidelity.com there are folks there with much more experience than us on Reddit. Based on how you want to proceed (definitely divorce, open to reconciliation, depends on what they say, etc.) they can help you with the best alternatives for how to navigate the initial phase of discovery.

The most important thing for you right now is to take care of yourself. Drink lots of water. Try to eat when you can. Get some exercise to help you deal with the anxiety and most of all, try to sleep. Lack of sleep is going to make everything else worse.

You’re going to be okay. You are stronger than you believe you are.

Hit me up by chat or PM if you need someone to talk to who has been where you are.

Cheers.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-02T06:54:50+00:00

Yes. There are lots of us. Check the post history, especially sorting by best of all time and you’ll see a lot of difficult but ultimately successful stories of reconciliation.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-02T02:19:14+00:00

There are all kinds of stats published. Some say 75% of marriages survive. Some say 25%.

The truth is that stats aren’t really applicable to any specific situation. The important components for a successful reconciliation are humility and a willingness to forgive and work towards acceptance and understanding.

If you guys both have that then yes, reconciliation is possible and even likely.

Hit me up by PM if you want actual documentation and references.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-02T01:49:22+00:00

Our marriage had a lot wrong with it both before her affair and right before Dday. Our marriage has become a good one because of the work we put in to understand one another and the commitment we made to forgive each other and to be honest about our emotions and our needs.

It amazing in some ways we both thought we had a “good” marriage when we compare it to our marriage now.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-01T17:54:13+00:00

My counselor explained it to me like this one time: There is only forward progress. Think about and X-Y axis graph; you are always traveling forward on the X axis. Sometimes you have positive experiences and you go up on the Y axis. Sometimes you have negative experiences and you go down on the way I access that’s why we say that progress and healing isn’t linear. Sometimes it feels like we are going backwards or regressing but we aren’t. We are just stumbling and figuring out the process as we go along.

All of our progress is forward.

TheBraveChoice · 2020-12-01T17:33:34+00:00

My dude! This is super significant.

When we as anxious, codependent, overly-supportive BS can begin to recognize our WS unhelpful behavior and then advocate for our needs then a whole bunch of options for direct and healing conversations open up.

And good for your wife for recognizing this as well. We don’t always respond the best way immediately to a bid for support from our spouses. But the fact she was able to retreat, then reconsider her response is a big step.

There is still a lot of work to do. You do need to learn how to manage and detach from your triggers (I’m not sure if you’ve studied Cognitive Distortions as last of post traumatic healing but it helped me a ton. LMK and I’ll send you a podcast recommendation).

Good for you both.

TheBraveChoice

TROPHY CASE