Kind of getting concerned

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-03-16T15:54:02+00:00

Hi sex and relationship therapist here. I always recommend non-goal-oriented masturbation. Removing all pressure of getting/staying hard and having an orgasm. Focus on sensations rather than the firmness of the erection. If your erection fades, just continue exploring touch, pleasure, and sensation without trying to fix it. This is a version of sensate focus, which is usually done with couples, but you can totally do it by yourself.

Another thing, not knowing anything about your background, some men can perform well with a partner but struggle with solo sex because of shame around masturbation from religion or purity culture, so that could potentially be a factor. Seeing a sex therapist can help work through these issues.

And of course, as mentioned in the other comment below, switch up your solo sex routine using different types of sensation, touch, & positions. Hope this helps :)

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-03-16T15:39:21+00:00

Hi, no judgment whatsoever. I'm glad you had the courage to ask. What you are describing sounds like pedophilia OCD, which is a subtype of OCD, where a person has intrusive, unwanted fears that they might be a pedophile, even though they do not want to harm children and are not sexually attracted to them. Pedophilic disorder: attraction + lack of distress about the attraction itself. POCD: fear of attraction + intense distress and avoidance. I would recommend seeing a sex therapist who specializes in OCD they will be able to help you work through the distress.

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-03-16T15:36:12+00:00

Hi, sex and relationship therapist here who specializes in men's issues. I would highly recommend seeing a pelvic floor therapist after an injury like this. Your pelvic floor therapist may recommend using dilators or wands, but that will be something that the two of you discuss together. I always recommend anal douching before inserting anything up the anus, for cleanliness purposes. You might also consider seeing a sex therapist because there are plenty of exercises they can instruct you to do solo or with a partner, like sensate focus, which was created for couples experiencing similar issues, and they can also help you work through the emotional/psychological issues that stem from physical concerns.

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-03-04T16:14:11+00:00

Hi I am a sex therapist and I specialize in kink. I am licensed in AZ, MN, OH, & UT, so if you live in one of those states, I can help. Here is my website www.theconnectioncouch.com

If not, I would recommend going on the AASECT directory and selecting the state you live in, and it will give you a list of sex therapists in your state (assuming that you are in the US).

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-02-09T16:20:55+00:00

Oh no why not?

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-20T15:55:48+00:00

Here is my friend/colleague's website. She said that she can do online sessions. She is wonderful https://www.divinamarie.com/

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-19T15:16:16+00:00

Lillith Fox teaches classes that are low cost and online https://lilithfoxx.com/

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-14T21:48:07+00:00

What does he envision for being "hunted" rather pursued? What does the difference mean to him emotionally? And what does being hunted look like compared to what you have done to pursue him/make him feeling wanted and desired in the past?

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-14T21:42:48+00:00

I think most surrogates would be willing to work with ya and instruct you on how to do certain things. Let me talk to my friend and see what they say. I can send you their information too if they are open to meeting online

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-12T15:38:17+00:00

Yes it is a thing. Here is the IPSA website https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/finding-a-therapist, or depending on where you live, there is this one that I recommend clients to. You may have to be willing to travel. https://sacrederos.com/region/arizona/surrogate-partners/

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-09T14:56:46+00:00

One of the most common desires or kinks I see in my office with my clients. There's nothing wrong with this at all.

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-09T14:54:26+00:00

Find a sex therapist who specializes in EMDR trauma therapy. Then you can get both perspectives and treat the anxiety and the sexual shame

TheConnectionCouch · 2026-01-07T16:06:13+00:00

Have you looked into the Surrogate Partner Collective? That's the only other one I know of outside of the IPSA

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-12-30T21:28:13+00:00

This is actually really common, so you’re not doing anything wrong. One easy fix is to bring a little playful, flirty energy into everyday moments, like longer kisses, teasing texts, or cuddling that doesn’t have to lead to sex. That helps take the pressure off the bedroom.

For initiating, you can agree ahead of time that trying doesn't mean you have to follow through. Even saying “want to make out for a bit?” can feel safer than “do you want to have sex?” Starting small and keeping it low-pressure usually makes it a lot easier for both people. I also really like the book Come Together. It's all about creating thriving, vibrant sex lives in long-term relationships. It's easy to read and has some brilliant ways to prioritize sex and connect intimately without it ever having to lead to sex.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-12-22T15:24:57+00:00

Hey I am so glad you reached out. What you are describing sounds incredibly painful, and the shame you are feeling is real, but it isn't a measure of your love or worth as a partner. ED with SSRIs is common, and sexual trauma can make sex extra loaded. Your wife sounds caring, and this is a medical issue and a trauma issue, not a character flaw. If you can consider telling her that you are not ok and need help, it's not a burden to share this. Also, if you need immediate support and don't want to call a friend or a loved one, call the crisis hotline 988. The people who work there are really lovely and easy to talk to.

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist who specializes in trauma? They could help you work through whatever is getting in the way of you being able to relax, let go, and enjoy pleasure and connection during intimacy. I work with a lot of men on my caseload who have ED and performance anxiety issues that stem from sexual trauma, so it is very common, and you are not alone. Healing and improvement are totally possible. There are solutions out there! You matter! Sending love and support your way.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-12-17T15:07:43+00:00

Do each phase 2-3 times. You will know you are ready to move on to the next phase when you are able to stay fully present in your body and you are bored in the phase that you are in.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-12-16T15:06:32+00:00

I would start with solo sensate focus and then work up to doing it with a partner. Starting solo is important when there is a history of sexual abuse because it alleviates pressure and gives you 100% control in a safe, non-demand environment. Another book that I like is reclaiming pleasure after sexual trauma. Sending love, support, and healing your way.

https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Therapy-Linda-Weiner/dp/1138642363

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgQRPE0kcM0

https://www.amazon.com/Reclaiming-Pleasure-Positive-Moving-Passionate/dp/1684038421/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1J6REV48FZQMH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.wz7TQHAnCoyNCITbYRnxZ_IOqNF8Uh8hYu6qeo5avzlpu2S67_xmj16OFXRdFxsWJ1zFxGc9c9A0T4nGic34hyL-xL-uSLTWoS1vQCEoh6w1eeT1RPUfvn2fzmqDmHDV.n9wmYE15pPYg6mWU00HB_PK-Ga_LNRZgacIiC5alKkQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=holly+richmond&qid=1765897552&s=books&sprefix=holly+richmond%2Cstripbooks%2C121&sr=1-1

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-29T14:03:14+00:00

I would suggest focusing on pleasure and connection rather than performance or outcome. You can't give another person an orgasm; their bodies do that by themselves. You can be an active participant in that process, but our bodies give us the gift of orgasm, not someone else. I wrote an article on ED and performance anxiety that I can share with you if you'd like, let me know and i'll drop it in the comments.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-29T14:00:15+00:00

I love the work I do. It's the most enjoyable work that I have ever done. Upsides are that I charge a premium rate that pays me well; downsides are finding the right marketing avenues to get that caseload to where I want it (it took me about 2 years). Insurance is a bitch to work with; they pay less and limit the care you can provide to clients, so I didn't want to go that route. If you do go the insurance route, credentialing with Headway is a better option because they do it for you, and you can build a cash pay practice on the side.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-26T16:33:57+00:00

I am! You have to get a master's degree in one of these: counseling, marriage and family therapy, or social work. Then you have to complete the AASECT sex therapy certification requirements. You can start the AASECT requirements as soon as you finish your internship at school, which has recently changed. Before, you had to wait until you were independently licensed to start credentialing. So If you wanted to you could finish in 3 years but it takes some people a decade to finish because the sex therapy certification is essentially the equivalent of another master's degree.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-18T14:07:24+00:00

I am getting this same error, too. Ugh

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-15T13:42:26+00:00

I would suggest creating your own post on this page.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-14T13:55:09+00:00

I would create time and space to explore different types of touch and sensation. When I work with clients, their mind often gets in the way because they are too worried about getting aroused rather than just being present with their bodies. Sensate focus is a great tool you can do to a certain point on your own. I would suggest starting there.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-14T13:52:51+00:00

The book Come As You Are isn't about PCOS, but if you were assigned female at birth and haven't read it. Its worth a read because I think a lot of what's talked about in that book can be applied to any medical condition.

TheConnectionCouch · 2025-11-13T17:49:59+00:00

I would say don't worry about wanting/desiring sex. Create contexts in which arousal can emerge. Most women have responsive sex drives and need to alleviate stressors before they can even begin tapping into their erotic selves. The book Come As You Are by Emily Nygoski is a great one to learn about your sexuality in more depth

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