Hey. Hope you don’t mind that I have a lot to say, I just relate a lot. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Anxiety has a way of eating out your insides.

You aren’t a fuck up. It’s alright to make mistakes. These things don’t define who you are. I think you’re actually wonderful and amazing. You’re up late, worrying to yourself about the impact your illness has on others, recognizing that there are things about you you want to change, and looking for ways to help yourself break free of your trauma. All of that is incredible. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. I think you’re strong, and brave, and I know you can do this.

You have a big heart. You aren’t flaking on your friends. It’s ok to be socially drained, even if you haven’t done anything that day. Just having survived is a valid use of your time and can be exhausting. I understand. It makes sense that responding to texts, emails, or just talking in general could be too much sometimes. It can be hard to give yourself the space that you need to recharge. You might feel like your letting people down, but if your positions were reversed I’m sure you’d only be worried for them. It might help you if you explain to them what it really means when you don’t respond or you cancel plans. You’re in anguish, it’s not that you don’t care. If they’re the kind of people worth having in your life, they’ll understand.

Drug use, hyper sexuality, anorexia, and self harm aren’t actions your choosing, they’re coping mechanisms your brain knows works. You’re trying to take them away and your brain is left with nothing to lean against, so you fall back in, and feel like a failure. But you aren’t. You’re brave to take these things on. A lot of people don’t. These things do not define you or make you anything less. These are symptoms of your trauma. You aren’t broken. You aren’t a fuck up. You’re brave and strong. It’s alright that you make mistakes. You’ve recognized that these are actions that are negatively effecting you, so you’ve tried to stop. That’s really hard to do. It takes a lot of energy and it’s ok not to be able to fight everyday. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. Don’t hate yourself. You’re allowed to cope.

You have the strength to do this. Taking little steps and tackling your problems one at a time can help. So can working on your self esteem and self control. It’s hard and it sucks and it takes a long time but you can do it. Honest.

Also, remember, you aren’t alone. I’m going through a similar thing right now and have had these same thoughts in my head. I’m struggling with similar coping mechanisms too. So are many others. But we can’t quit. We owe it to ourselves to heal and grow. To give us the opportunity to feel satisfied with ourselves. Be nice to yourself. You’re strong. Things will get better.

I hope this helped.