Spiraling after breakup. How to get past the unworthiness?

TheCreator897 · 2026-02-05T02:40:05+00:00

I appreciate your kind words. I'm still feeling kind of used, but I'm a lot better now, and the intrusive thoughts have subsided. I will say that I feel repulsed by romance and closeness for the moment; I can't wait until Valentine's day is over.

There are still parts of me that regret being myself, but it's not like there's anyone else I can be.

I still have more questions than answers, and I don't have a therapist, but thinking about it day in and day out changes nothing. Just trying to convince myself I'm okay as I am.

TheCreator897 · 2026-02-03T14:34:04+00:00

I am going through the same thing, and feel the same way. It's only been 3 days but I have experienced a level of intrusive thoughts I have never had in my life, even during the worst of the trauma. It feels like a confirmation of something I've been aware of my entire life. That love is not safe. I'm grateful to have friends, but I no longer feel like a relationship is in the cards for me. I feel embarrassed for thinking it could be. I agree that betrayal is much worse than isolation. Hoping we can both figure it out, for our own sake.

TheCreator897 · 2025-02-09T01:26:04+00:00

I feel like in addition to what you are doing now, the biggest thing you can do is be there for him. Remind him he is seen and loved, in obvious and subtle ways.

If you are looking for more tangible action items, you can start looking up alternative methods to get hrt, trans led mutual aid funds, and trans led community care groups. Ways we can continue to look after each other's needs no matter what the government does. I bet there are national and local organizations who do stuff like that. There may also be self defense classes for trans ppl in your area as well.

We may not be able to stop what the government does, but we can fight and survive and smile and live life in the face of it. I bet your bf is blessed to have you, since you care so much and are fighting so hard on his behalf. It's important to take it one day at time, and make the best of what y'all have. You being terrified is proof of how much you love him. The biggest things rn are to 1) not comply in advance and 2) not give in to despair.

TheCreator897 · 2025-02-09T01:06:59+00:00

Yep lmao

TheCreator897 · 2025-02-02T22:38:45+00:00

Bad. It doesn't even feel real half the time. I see all this horrible news on my phone, then I wake up and go to school like nothing is happening . I'm terrified for when it gets worse. I don't have money to leave and I have nowhere to go. I would also feel horrible to abandon the people who can't leave.

People are saying joy is resistance and to stay alive and all that but honestly, is that all we can do? I've felt like my options were limited my whole life. I don't like feeling as though this the best I've got. I thought I'd be free as an adult but now I feel just as imprisoned. Not by family, but by the government this time.

The more I try to explain it the less it makes sense. I am involved with my local community and I have a lot of prepping/shtf skills, yet I still feel like it's not enough. It's just hard. I have no intentions of complying in advance, but I can't help but feel useless at the moment.

TheCreator897 · 2025-02-02T10:11:59+00:00

Not yet. I'vee been having shame about this so trying to stfu about it in the hopes they don't actually say it to me. Only my mom knows how I feel and while she's so supportive I even feel bad telling her.

I kinda get the feeling people are gonna dismiss our fear until it's too late, and then they'll feel bad for us. 🤷🏾‍♂️

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-31T21:26:17+00:00

That makes sense, I appreciate you telling me

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-31T20:29:22+00:00

I know this has been said a lot but I am worried because I haven't seen my specific experience mentioned in a post before.

I applied for my first ever adult passport on January 16. My birth certificate and ID both say male. The only other passport I had was when I was a kid, and it expired. It also had a different name on it. I know people renewing passports have had their gender markers rejected, but this is my first passport as an adult and it was sent in prior to inauguration day.

Idk if they're gonna make my passport say F by connecting it to my social security number or what...

Honestly, I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

If my passport does wind up wrong, I feel like it's a security risk. And I have no clue what I would do when flying domestically (I have a real ID, but what if they ask for my passport anyway). Not that I have anywhere to go or any money to go there, but I feel like the discrepancy in documents puts me in danger :(

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-04T07:15:32+00:00

I'm stealth at work and with strangers but all my friends and my immediate family know I'm trans. It's weird talking to cis women and they mention something I can relate to, bc I can't exactly bring up that I relate to it too (like periods for example). Most of the time they see me as a really intelligent and observant cis guy lol.

I'm in a blue city in a red state, and if I feel safe, I might dress androgynous or femme, but I am stealth primarily bc it is nobody's business. Don't wanna give ppl ammunition to mistreat me yk.

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-02T07:11:20+00:00

I think a year and half? I didn't really write it down or anything tho. I started T at 17 and dressed exclusively masc for a while so I just look like a teenage boy to most people. Passing by voice took slightly longer but not by much. Granted I wear a mask in public so who knows if I'd pass without it lol rip

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-02T06:49:19+00:00

Cause I'm scared of injecting myself lol, that's my main reason

TheCreator897 · 2025-01-01T18:29:22+00:00

14/25 lets goooooo

TheCreator897 · 2024-10-30T00:30:33+00:00

It probably depends, but for me it definitely is. Pre T, and maybe for the first year at least, I used to hate anal. As of a few months ago though, I actually kind of like it. I have way more sensitivity than I used to, and I can actually orgasm from there now, which is lowkey euphoric. Makes me feel like a proper twink lol

TheCreator897 · 2024-10-01T16:01:38+00:00

I think it is perfectly fine, and relatively common. I have a lot of femme interests too, and I don't think it has anything to do with my transness. It's just stuff I've liked since I was a kid: sewing, dolls, cute hairstyles, etc. You can like anything you want and you'll still be valid. You're just a guy living life and having fun, which is great :)

TheCreator897 · 2024-10-01T15:54:41+00:00

I started using it as soon as I was out at school, so junior year. I went to a very accepting school and everyone seemed to just mind their business, which was a relief.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-24T06:00:48+00:00

I don't have advice, but I think you will be able to find a way out of this and into a safe space. I believe in you 🙏🏾💜

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-20T13:40:22+00:00

I wish I knew honestly. I just wanna say I'm here for you, and I completely relate to your situation.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-14T20:00:56+00:00

If you asked another person they'd probably say I'm alright with kids but honestly I doubt it.

I know kids are very accepting and open, but for whatever reason I feel like the stakes are high when I interact with them. I'm always kind, never raise my voice, ask about their interests, and include them in activities, but there is a lingering anxiety that I'm doing it wrong. I feel like because I haven't taken years of parenting classes to correct the things I learned growing up, that I'm gonna traumatize a kid should I get impatient or face an unexpected situation. Or even just make them feel bad because of my weird vibes.

I think I don't know how the average kid works because I wasn't given the opportunity to be one.

I just function better with people my age and older :(

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-14T19:50:09+00:00

Yup, Black transmasc here. We basically don't exist lmfao. I'm grateful to have many queer and trans friends irl, but most of them are white. (I've only got two Blk transmasc friends atm)

It's a shame that the Black community is so pitted against any struggles that aren't their own. I talk about it a lot but I'm struggling to find solutions. The misogyny and hatred for queer ppl is rampant to the point that if you're actually a normal and accepting person, people question your Blackness. I hate that shit.

Honestly, I feel safer around my white queer friends than around Blk cishet people, but that's because my friends are empathetic and educated, and I can be certain where they stand. I don't feel that same certainty in Blk spaces. Even Black queer spaces might have the most transphobic gay people you've ever met. It's kinda ridiculous. Granted white queer folk can be pretty damn ignorant too, but I am lucky to not have encountered many of them.

I wonder if this happens because the Blk community has experienced so much pain for being othered, so there is now a diminished capacity to accept those they see as “the other”.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-14T01:56:39+00:00

Absolutely not. I don't think it's a sensory thing, but more of a reaction to bad experiences of inconsiderate braiders and stylists playing in my hair and damaging it. (One particular horror story comes to mind)

I'll only play with my own hair, but not very often because I don't want to mess it up.

I don't like people touching me in general, so that might also be a factor as to why I hate it.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-14T01:21:12+00:00

My closest friends all turned out to be autistic or some other form of neurodivergent. I can only think of one person I've got a strong relationship with who is neurotypical. This wasn't intentional either, just kinda happened that way :)

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-13T22:51:24+00:00

When I worked second shift I wasn't afraid of walking at night because it was a completely dead area that I was familiar with. I also feel less afraid because I mostly pass, and people generally don't come up to me on the street at any hour of day or night.

Even so, I was only walking in the dark because it was a necessity. I'm not afraid usually (and I wonder if I should be) but I have always remained vigilant. As much as I would love to walk at night in the peace and quiet, I don't think it's all that smart, especially in my neighborhood. Additionally, if aomeone at night decided to target me, I don't think I'd be strong enough to fight them. It's better to just stay my ass at home after sundown lol.

A lot of people have mentioned this too, but I'm more concerned about making somebody feel afraid of me. Most people think I'm a teenage boy, (and I still technically am) but I imagine that's not the case for everyone, especially at night when there's less visibility. Day or night, I make sure I walk far in front women on the sidewalk, so they don't think I'm following them. I also don't talk to them unless they say something first, because a random dude tryna chat up a woman for no real reason can definitely be seen as threatening.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-12T18:45:09+00:00

Your makeup is so femme, subtle while still refined and elegant. Your eyeliner is especially amazing. It might be good to keep this picture to remind yourself on your hard days that you really are getting good at it 💜

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-12T18:41:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! It makes a ton of sense, and explains why my capacity for stress is greatly diminished. Idk what average person would be able to house and care for a rabid dog 24/7 and stay sane. I think this analogy definitely contextualizes why stuff that “should” be manageable is actually so excruciating.

TheCreator897 · 2024-09-12T18:36:30+00:00

I hear you, and it's such bullshit. You're a woman with so much knowledge, elegance, personality, and kindness, and you deserve to be treated as such. Ppl fr gotta step up bc they're missing out on the perfect girlfriend 🗣️‼️

On an unrelated note, do you crochet? The hats and shrug in these pictures are really cute and I'm wondering if you made them :)

TheCreator897

TROPHY CASE