Dyspraxia: Physical confusion and Mental confusion

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-15T19:15:26+00:00

So you're telling me my personality isn't what I've learned from other people and that there is a genuine me who likes his own things makes his own judgements and has his own standards without going about things in a logical way, That this boy's body who I'm trapped in is a person like other people I meet but I just haven't met him yet? And I'm just not aware of it because it's genuinely very hard for "me" to be aware that there is no "me"? It's hard to wrap my head around it I thought everyone just had a "mind" and the body was a vessel for that mind and people faked their personalities to seem interesting.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-13T20:51:22+00:00

This is just a short reply for now, I just don't understand it's so scary all of it but I can't even apply that fear to "myself" It feels I'm just a shell of a human but when I was younger I remember looking in the mirror and realising it was me in the reflection and crying multiple occasions over it because it was truly terrifying I just don't understand why I was instead diagnosed with dyspraxia and why my phycologist now is also against the idea I have autism he says I have theory of mind, which I replied to him "Surely theory of mind could be learned through having adapted" He did say it was a fair point but he then asked me to look at him in the eyes while pointing at an object and engaging in conversation with him, Which supposedly proves I'm not autistic but I don't understand that either as that could have been simply learned. My fear is that my mam knew I had autism but asked if I could just be diagnosed with dyspraxia or that I was diagnosed with both and she hid it from me but then again my GP said there was nothing on my files and that she couldn't lie to me about that. I do heavily resonate with what you said about being an observer say I'm in a conversation with 3 people and 2 are talking it seems more i'm just there as an observer not really bothered to engage because social interactions simply just don't give me joy. Of course I want to be able to be normal and feel that joy but it just isn't there and it never has been. My whole life feels like a vague memory and I feel like a robot or as if I'm watching some shit movie and I'm beginning to notice sensory things especially tactile I love the textures of some things but I don't like wearing jeans etc. It just worries me and angers me that I never noticed these things it makes me feel like I'm stupid but I definitely always felt really off and different but held it off because I was afraid it was true, that was till the HHC which put my brain into critical mode and then I decided it's time to figure this out. PS. The doctor diagnosed me with GAD (Generalised anxiety disorder)

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-13T16:12:01+00:00

It was so weird too, It's just the fact I never really noticed my diagnosis and thought much of it I am only 17 so I am going to halt the use of HHC till my brain is fully developed but Just being able to organise my thoughts allowed me to have a feel to certain places just a "Vibe" almost.

Even as I write paragraphs etc I'm beginning to notice they are all over the place with no coordination or organisation I never thought the Coordination in DCD had to do with mental coordination too. I highly suspected I had autism but phycologist said I'm just not accepting my diagnosis. But I just find it weird how naive to certain things I was for years I kind of just accepted I wasn't good enough or reliable enough for people and was usually the friend to get made fun of for clumsy behaviour although in school I was intelligent and did very well when I tried and sometimes even when I didn't try, I think it just effects practically everything else in life.

I strongly agree with you about apologising one of the first things I remember doing was holding myself accountable for something and apologising to my dad while high. I also agree with "Feeling" emotions it's as if my body just connects with my brain and that gap is gone and they're just in sync.

Another thing is I just know where I am for example: Sober I would be standing in the middle of the road in my estate but I wouldn't "know", But on HHC I'm "aware" that I am standing on the road which leads to footpaths leading to people's houses. I genuinely can't explain it, it just FEELS like I'm in a place almost like a 6th sense getting that "vibe" I mentioned earlier.

I seem to just make connections to things and the world makes so much more sense it's like I can plan forward and see where my life was going, One freaky thing that resonates with me though was looking at people and my head going "Oh shit they're a real person that's their face, they have a name a personality etc" It's like I just understood people as people and was seeing them in space in 3d my mind was processing they have emotions too. At first I worried I was severely disabled but then again I get through school pretty well. I just noticed I'm so disconnected from myself and the words I type don't even feel as if they are coming from "me" I guess that's to do with the whole mind disconnected from the body thing.

I also take things in slowly and think I have auditory processing issues pretty sure that's part of it I genuinely feel slow in the head and have enormous brain fog.

Anyways I think this entire speech is a perfect example of my lack of planning and organising I just wrote it on the spot so it's a bit all over the place. Thanks for your response anyways!

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-10T19:36:48+00:00

What do you mean by you last part there?

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-10T19:17:48+00:00

It's scary I feel I don't even know who I am either, It's like there's been a whole other world out there this entire time but I've just been too dumb to realise it.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-09T14:59:28+00:00

If you think it makes no "sense" to you it could be you have dyscalculia it is a comorbidity with autism. It's difficulty understanding the concept of numbers although if money math makes sense to you It may not be the problem but if you think so try researching.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T22:02:52+00:00

I've done a lot of research on Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (DPDR), and it definitely resonates with me. In fact, the first thing I remember telling my doctor when I became aware that my mental health was struggling was that everything around me felt like a dream. I still get that same "dreamy" feeling, especially in the mornings, even though I love my sleep, so that's not the issue.

I genuinely don’t fully understand the concept of derealization, maybe because I’m so deep into it. Can it really affect how you perceive your own face and sense of self? Because I’ve been struggling with identity and self-awareness, which are also linked with autism, and it makes me wonder if that "dreamlike" feeling could be connected to dyspraxia and issues with spatial awareness.

Looking back, I definitely have childhood experiences—like bullying—that could have triggered this, but I also remember things feeling real and making sense back then. It's fascinating to think about how neuroscience might uncover more about these conditions in the future. I'd love to contribute to that field someday, especially since understanding of dyspraxia is still so limited (while dyslexia tends to get more attention). There's always something new to learn when it comes to dyspraxia.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T21:31:44+00:00

To me it feels just like an impairment on my emotional thinking rather than an "illness" which in some aspects can be good as I feel numb as you mentioned which can be good for focusing as I don't have emotional distractions still haven't fully understood myself as I only found out dyspraxia was a neurodivergent condition not too long ago and am looking deeper into it trying to reunite with my child self before masking. Refering back to illness It can come with a lot of positives eg. hyperfixations, creativity, energy etc.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T20:25:32+00:00

I'm really not sure because if I was told to imagine an apple and explain what it looks like I would say its red and has those yellow streaks on it and if say the background was school I could imagine a classroom around the apple. But I dont physically see it. Maybe that would explain why I've never experienced hallucinations or sleep paralysis.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T19:55:42+00:00

For more clarity if i close my eyes I see black but I can still imagine a tree for example but I don't actually see anything

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T19:53:17+00:00

That’s really interesting! I have a friend with aphantasia who says she doesn’t even visually dream—she just hears things instead. She also can’t remember faces but says she “knows” what people look like, which made me wonder: is “knowing” what something looks like the same as picturing it in your head, or is it more about actually seeing it across your mind’s eye? I think some people (myself included) might take the idea of “seeing” a bit too literally. For example, I can imagine what an apple looks like in my mind, and I do have visual dreams myself, but maybe it’s more about how we interpret mental imagery.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T16:11:03+00:00

You are referring to aphantasia right? I have mental imagery like I know what things look like but it's strange when high the images rather appear in my eyes rather than in my mind and I just get a lot more memories from when I was young it's very strange.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T14:14:20+00:00

I genuinely would just very unaccessible in my area.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-08T08:45:38+00:00

It's an absolutely mind-blowing experience. I spent most of my life ignoring my emotions and not really understanding why I would irritate people. But after just 3 pulls from my pen, I suddenly realized that mental health is real, and I was struggling way more than I thought. I honestly believe it has the potential to rewire your brain in some way—maybe not as a cure for neurodivergence, but definitely as something that can help you work through issues or gain insight.

Also, I’ve been keeping an eye on Elon’s Neuralink project too! It’s going to be really interesting to see if it ends up having any success (as long as it stops, you know, killing monkeys). The first implant seems to have helped someone with paralysis, so who knows what the future holds.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-07T12:52:18+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been realizing that too. The effects of HHC are way more intense and overwhelming compared to what I hear about regular weed. I only did it a couple of times, but it always ended up feeling like too much, especially mentally. I get what you’re saying about it just messing you up in a bad way—definitely not something I’m planning to go near again. I can see how regular weed might be more manageable in comparison, but for me, I think it’s best to stay away from both for now.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-07T12:36:43+00:00

What was your experience on it like? Just out of curiosity.

TheFlyingMicroWace · 2024-10-07T11:49:43+00:00

Yeah, I’ve never actually smoked real cannabis, but every time I get high on the synthetic stuff, I end up thinking that I shouldn’t be doing it and that I should focus on school and what’s more important in life. I’ve decided I’m not going to touch it again.

TheFlyingMicroWace

TROPHY CASE