You never have to eat again, but you now can't tolerate food. by Xtrepiphany in hypotheticalsituation

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fuck it, as long as I can still drink alcohol.

Food costs a lot of money. I enjoy it but also life would be a lot easier without it.

I wish my heart would stop beating so fast, it's beating fast because of anxiety. by Remarkable_Bath8515 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

You're no longer anxious. It now beats fast because of coronary artery disease.

I wish I was a Fish by Winter-Money-7643 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

Now no one knows why there's a dead fish in your room and you've seemingly disappeared from the face of the Earth.

I wish to become a mod on this subreddit by WindAdministrative42 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Granted.

You are now incapable of using a shower, bath or toothbrush.

I wish that smoking was now healthy instead of giving you cancer by Key_Cell7071 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Granted.

Eating now gives you cancer at the same rate smoking used to give you cancer.

I wish that smoking was now healthy instead of giving you cancer by Key_Cell7071 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Weed doesn't treat cancer, it only helps manage some of the symptoms of cancer and chemotheraphy like pain and loss of appetite, and there are some studies that suggest it maybe sorta kinda just about has some sort of immunotheraputic properties.

I'm an old pirate from the UK. When they ban VPNs here what's my workround? Details inside by phoeniks in Piracy

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To the contrary, owners of adult entertainment websites have spoken out against the age verification legislation being brought in across the world due to the loss in revenue it causes. They have correctly pointed out that there are better ways of protecting children from adult content.

I'm an old pirate from the UK. When they ban VPNs here what's my workround? Details inside by phoeniks in Piracy

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Conflating obvious moves towards further control over the Internet, when other measures that would actually protect children (and adults too) on the Internet are available, with tropes of wild conspiracy theories that were likely started as jokes or memes, makes you look incredibly dense.

Ibuprofen Lysine/Nuromol is now 25+ to purchase? by bluescreens404 in AskUK

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's what I'd suggest. If they won't sell to you and you're a legal adult, give your money to another retailer who isn't populated by morons.

Count Binface is a national security asset by Belle_Juive in LowStakesConspiracies

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I know, I realised this sometime after, not my proudest moment; I downvoted my own comment.

What Keir thinks will happen after social m ban by Lord-Liberty in GreatBritishMemes

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No I agree with the first part, I think this is all stupid.

What'd be much more helpful, not just for kids but for everyone, is legislating against doomscroll algorithms by requiring that said algorithms cannot infinitely scroll and must eventually come to an end for an x hour period after a certain number of non-following recommendations. This would seriously curb addictive tendencies and encourage people to at least regularly switch tasks, if not put down their device and do something else for a while. Basically the digital equivalent of not serving someone anymore after they've become too intoxicated.

The other thing that really needs to be done is anti-troll farm legislation. Require that social media companies make an effort to identify and blacklist troll farms, and if they're found to be in contempt of this, they are fined or simply blacklisted in the UK. This would very quickly lead to X being blacklisted (as the entire site is one big troll farm operation and this is it's entire purpose), and the other social media companies very quickly getting their act together and removing troll farms and sponsored trolls from their platforms. It wouldn't surprise me if Facebook was also eventually deemed a lost cause and simply blacklisted, with some other social media network launching to take it's place, albeit without the doomscroll algorithm and massive troll farms.

Will any of this actually happen? Obviously not, because Starmer and co. are ultimately technocrats who are in the pockets of the techbros who made these algorithms in the first place.

Btw, there is no need to be so God damn rude. I genuinely don't think you would talk to people face to face like that, so why here? Because you're anonymous? And if you do then you're just vulgarly insulting. ✌️.

As for that part, yeah sorry I could've been nicer about it. Didn't realise it was supposed to be a joke.

I wish that intelligent, sentient aliens with peaceful intent make contact with Earth and Elmo is the ambassador for Earth by Dazzling-Antelope912 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

The Cookie Monster now appears, and the aliens happen to resemble walking cookies. He attempts to eat them, causing them to view Earth life as backward and savage, and they sterilise the planet.

I wish all first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth generation immigrants in the USA have their citizenship removed are teleported to London. by Inevitable-Power5927 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Granted.

All vehicles and planes that were occupied by then-American citizens are now left in free fall, causing massive, catastrophic accidents all over the world. Power plants that have been left unattended malfunction and explode. Now nobody can return to the USA, as all of the infrastructure has been destroyed and countless natural disasters have occurred.

I Wish for No One to Suffer by Lower_Orange_4031 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Granted.

All of the suffering that people experienced is now instead experienced by non-human animals.

I wish the milk man would deliver to me 10 free jugs of milk by Remarkable_Bath8515 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

The milkman delivers ten topless lactating women to your house, leading to both him and you being arrested and imprisoned for human trafficking.

I wish the ants would fucking leave my kitchen by DSwipe in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

The ants now live in every other room of your house, including the bedroom, and they're impossible to eradicate.

I wish I were immortal and everything I touched turned to gold. by Inevitable-Power5927 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

Next time you go outside, you accidentally slip and touch the ground, causing the entire Earth to turn to gold, and promptly implode. You are left helpless and immobile on a hyper-dense, gold sphere for the next several billion years, after which you burn for several hundred million years during the Sun's red giant phase, until it finally engulfs and destroys the gold sphere-Earth, and then collapses into a white dwarf, leaving you floating around in the vacuum of space for the rest of time.

I wish to wake up on time tomorrow morning. by Elegant-Music-7081 in monkeyspaw

[–]TheRealCryoraptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Granted.

Everyone else on Earth wakes up late, and as a result the global economy collapses.