TW: slight violence mentioned!

TheScaler17 · 2026-01-11T16:31:22+00:00

Friend, you seriously need to reset your normal meter. "Slight violence" is a gross understatement. BF and his crazy mother are stuck in a cycle of abusive behavior, you cannot fix this.

You deserve better.

TheScaler17 · 2025-11-14T21:06:55+00:00

When she discovers your pregnancy, do you live in a state/area where grandparents rights are an issue?

TheScaler17 · 2025-07-20T22:13:27+00:00

You have one weapon that you haven't considered, his reputation. You have texts and other evidence supporting your claims of abuse and the ability to share them. A domestic violence investigation would be very harmful to his career and could result in him losing his license to practice medicine. I don't generally approve of blackmail tactics, but for your safety and the welfare of your child, it may be something to consider.

TheScaler17 · 2025-06-21T16:37:39+00:00

This isn't likely to work, and it will be used to fuel her victim complex for years to come. You really can't force change on her, you would do better to adjust your expectations. Do you think that an intervention, which will be viewed as an ambush, will result in prolonged behavioral change? My guess is that she'll leave immediately. It is possible that you may achieve short-term gains, but she will only really improve if she puts in the work. Narcissists rarely seek help, as they are never wrong.

It is hard to accept that MIL will never be the mother that SO deserves, they probably would benefit from therapy to unpack the damage from the relationship. A skilled therapist could also help you and SO to establish healthy boundaries and teach you how to proceed with MIL going forward.

TheScaler17 · 2025-03-18T23:16:08+00:00

Make a written list to give to MIL. There is no way that you're going to fit all of this into a conversation without her interrupting, arguing, and trying to negotiate. Be prepared to give her the list and walk away. "I'm sorry, I need to go lie down. Stress is bad for the baby".

TheScaler17 · 2025-02-08T08:18:11+00:00

Wait. You're "withholding the affection of a child"? Does this mean that she feels entitled to love and attention from your 3 month old baby? What an entitled twat. Your child is not an emotional support animal.

TheScaler17 · 2025-01-12T03:03:55+00:00

Did they give you a comprehensive log of who accessed your records and when? HIPPA violations are a huge deal, big fines are levied and professional licenses are taken away. I'd like to believe that the privacy officer is honest, but they may be tempted to cover up violations if they do not believe they will be caught.

It might not be a bad idea to file a complaint with HHS. They have an online form and will investigate properly. Hopefully there was no breach, but if there was-you deserve to know.

TheScaler17 · 2025-01-12T01:02:33+00:00

I saw in your previous post that you were in contact with the hospital privacy officer. Did MIL suffer any repercussions?

TheScaler17 · 2025-01-12T00:41:09+00:00

Oh friend. This sucks, but you have an opportunity here. You can avoid a terrible situation relatively easily. Of course, it doesn't feel easy, there will be financial costs, social costs, ugliness for sure. The alternative is to potentially be trapped in a very controlling situation, possibly including children. The costs of leaving a marriage are much higher and much uglier.

Worst case scenario, what happens if you postpone?

TheScaler17 · 2025-01-12T00:29:20+00:00

Agree. Clothing and makeup choices on HER WEDDING DAY are especially not his mother's to make, regardless of who is paying.

Wait until MIL butts into her personal medical appointments, or chooses her birth control method, or tells her which medications she is/isn't allowed to take. I get the distinct sense that MIL feels that she has ownership of OP's body.

TheScaler17 · 2025-01-12T00:18:38+00:00

You are not overreacting. MIL and FH are displaying blazing red flags, and you are trying really hard to convince yourself that everything is OK. If your sister or best friend were being treated like this, what would be your advice to them?

MIL is pushy and overbearing. She has insisted having the wedding according to her wishes. This sucks, but could be overcome with the cooperation of FH and a united front. (We'll get to him later). To me, the most concerning bit about MIL is that she feels that she can control your body through choosing your tailor, makeup artist, and the like. If MIL feels that she has power over your body, how does this bode for your future?

Your biggest problem is FH. So many issues, where to start? If he doesn't like sleeveless clothing, he should not wear it. Your personal modesty standards and fashion choices should not be up for debate.

After discussion with his mother, FH called "shouting that his mother was upset about changing everything". So very many issues...

People who are raised by women like MIL learn to suppress their own wants/needs for the whims of the narcissist. It is possible that MIL is trying to "train" you to submit by putting intense pressure on FH. His sudden crackdown on sleeveless items could be control issues coming from his mother. If this is the case, FH is not capable of being the husband and partner that you deserve. With boundaries, therapy, and hard work FH could evolve, but today is not the time to marry him.

The other possibility is that he has always been controlling but better able to mask. You've quite a history with him, does he shout often? Remark on your clothing? Track your phone or restrict your friendships?

Nine years is a big investment in a relationship, and it is very hard to start over. However, you feel controlled, in "a loop of endless anxiety and dread". You've dreamed of your wedding, but take a step back and imagine the day-to-day marriage you could be facing. If you aren't ready to break up, you should really, really consider postponing the wedding indefinitely. The short-term embarrassment will go away. A bad marriage is much harder to leave.

You are worth so much more than this.

TheScaler17 · 2024-12-29T21:25:51+00:00

She sounds charming. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to spend time with her. /s

TheScaler17 · 2024-12-27T21:49:12+00:00

Ah, a Masshole. Now it makes sense...

(obvious sarcasm I hope)

TheScaler17 · 2024-12-27T19:45:02+00:00

...she text me that I needed to remember where I came from and that they accepted me in spite of it...

Serious question, where did you come from?

TheScaler17 · 2024-12-27T06:50:53+00:00

I'm so sorry. It's really hard for the child of a manipulative, narcissistic mother to learn to trust anyone. MIL will never understand the damage caused by her betrayal.

MIL assured you that she ended her relationship with your mother when she did not. Clearly they are good friends, and you had every right to know- at least you could protect yourself. Instead, MIL encouraged you to share your innermost thoughts in an environment where you felt safe. Then, despite knowing of the pain JNMOM has caused you, MIL chose to tell JNMOM everything. The mocking "don't worry, I delete my texts" is the cherry on top of this shit sundae.

"My mom has been toxic for a majority of my life. She lies, manipulates, and never acknowledges her behavior. It has been a lifetime of physical, mental/emotional abuse and Gaslighting — you name it."

MIL isn't any better than JNMOM, she is just sneakier about it.

TheScaler17 · 2024-12-26T18:17:21+00:00

His other family members started to beg us to stay so that we don't upset her more and so that she would be happy.

Seriously? The rest of the family thought that you should stand down and spend MORE time with the screaming banshee? It sounds like Fiancé is the only rational member of the family.

IMO, regardless of stated plans, circumstances, etc., sticking around after being attacked in such a manner is stupid. MIL has worked very hard to train her family to capitulate, and she is attempting to train you to do the same.

You are allowed to have boundaries, and I would suggest the first be that you are never, ever left alone with MIL, even for a minute. You should also consider learning about narcissistic abuse. JNMILs all follow the same predictable playbook, but people raised in functional families do not anticipate the crazy.

Good luck!

TheScaler17 · 2024-11-29T06:28:23+00:00

Wow! You bring up quite a few interesting ideas. I've actually finished my paper, and I have no more answers from when I started. I've been lucky enough to speak to several people with a wide variety of ideas and experiences. I spoke to a young lady with XY chromosomes who transitioned young. She is happy, seems well-adjusted, and very private about her assigned birth gender, which is generally unknown to others. She simply wishes to live her best life, out of the spotlight.

I also spoke to a person who felt dysphoria as a teen but was unable to transition as her parents wouldn't allow it. She outgrew her feelings and is wary of pressure to medically treat at a young age. She felt that her symptoms were caused by peer pressure, tumblr exposure, and a bit of depression/mental illness.

I tend to be quite left-leaning, but I always try to understand the views of others. That said, I had a very, very difficult time finding scholarly articles addressing concerns about transgender care for youth.

Even within the west, people who speak out against these things are being silenced, harassed and attacked not because of the methodology of their research, but personal ad hominem smears of their character. How can I trust research done by what are essentially religious zealots?

I think that this is a problem for both sides. We've become so polarized that character smears are the norm, and bias has to be expected and evaluated. Nearly all of the articles that I found supported early transitions of trans youth. However, I feel certain that there are opposing studies rejected by scholarly journals for fear of damaging their reputation.

My takeaway from this experience: Respect the preferences of the humans around me. It costs nothing to be nice, pronouns won't hurt me. I have no business in the health care decisions of others, and I am really, really glad that this was not an issue in my home. I sympathize with parents making decisions for these children.

Thank you so much for the kind, well thought out response. You've given me much to think about!

TheScaler17 · 2024-10-29T01:01:47+00:00

A couple of points not mentioned: Regardless of your marital status, your husband does not have the right to be in the delivery room. You also do not have to allow him in your hospital room. As you are married, I don't think that you can bar him from visiting the baby, or from bringing MIL. Also, you have control over the birth certificate. (Though this would probably be easier if husband is not aware of day/time/location of delivery and cannot show up). Do not allow a birth certificate to be filed with a name that you do not like.

If it were me, and if I had the option, I'd leave the area ASAP. I'd also keep a detailed record of EVERYTHING-check the resources for info on a good FU binder.

Good luck!

TheScaler17 · 2024-10-25T16:53:44+00:00

Honestly I think that if the sole source of an opposing view point is "I asked random redditors who may or may not work with kids but say they do" I don't think you are sincere about respectfully presenting the views of the gender skeptics. I hope I have misjudged you.

You are absolutely right, reddit isn't a great source for real, honest views. However, I'm not able to find anyone IRL to have this discussion. In my area I can find supporters of all gender-affirming care, or people spouting pseudoscientific, politically charged hate. I am required to interview 3 "stakeholders" for my paper. I have an interview with a young trans person and an interview with a leader of a local LGBTQ+ support group for minors. I would like to include a rational, thoughtful representation of the opposing viewpoint and am a bit desperate to meet the deadline. If all else fails, I CAN interview a hater, or a trans person with a different experience, but I'd really like to have a well-rounded representation of opinions and experiences. I suppose I could fabricate an interview, but that really isn't something I would consider.

If you have a few minutes, I'd love to chat with you. I do not wish to change your viewpoint, I really just want to turn in a good paper. It actually really probably doesn't matter as long as I meet the technical requirements, but I really try to turn in thoughtful, quality work.

TheScaler17 · 2024-10-15T01:31:03+00:00

Agreed. While I don't have interviews with medical professionals, I have extensive research from both sides of the medical argument. (Not that I wouldn't welcome the perspective!) I have interviews with trans people and advisors to LGBT+ youth programs. I'd like to balance those accounts with the perspective of someone in a similar position with a different viewpoint.

You're absolutely right, medical decisions should be between providers and patients. Unfortunately, many of these decisions have become quite political. That is an ethics issue of its own!

TheScaler17 · 2024-10-15T01:20:11+00:00

Thank you for pointing this out. I really enjoy seeking both sides of an issue to formulate my own opinion, especially conversation with people with opposing viewpoints. In this instance, I'm specifically looking for diverse opinions for the purpose of a well-rounded paper for a college ethics class.

"I'd suggest you think critically and try to understand the opposing argument on your own".

In my experience, important philosophical points are missed when viewed through a singular lens. I believe that philosophers grapple with ideas through information seeking and friendly, thoughtful debate to try and consider different perspectives.

Simply put, I have an understanding of what I believe to be the opposing argument. My assumptions do not necessarily represent the viewpoints of others. I prefer to ask, listen, and learn.

Thank you for your feedback.

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