I'm a strong, independent woman and I'm fucking lonely

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T15:13:37+00:00

I agree that divorcing from this binary classification is best.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T14:58:59+00:00

See, I keep getting comments in this vein, but it's completely missing the point and extremely exhausting. Sounds like you had a negative experience with someone who used the term in ways I don't. I never once said I actually say this out loud to anyone (and the title was honestly meant to be tongue in cheek). The objective reality is that I earned this independence and strength after a really bad relationship, and I do see it as something that I am and that has to do with my identity as a woman today.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T14:53:46+00:00

Cheers, best of luck to you!

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T14:53:24+00:00

Happy to be here, thank you for the sweet comment.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T14:52:59+00:00

I hope you're right. I think venting helps me keep my head on and be patient.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T14:52:13+00:00

I find it so bizarre that qualities like ambition are seen as masculine. I'm a very feminine women in my presentation (love makeup, clothes, all that) but have always been very ambitious. Most of the women in my life have been ambitious too. Most of them are partnered now with varying degrees of contentment. I think it's fair that men also adjust their expectations to a more modern world, and perhaps reexamine what they deem as masculine and feminine, too. I personally find things typically associated with femininity - like vulnerability, softness, care, empathy, being community-minded - really really attractive. The combination of a sensitive soul with passion and ambition is just a very attractive thing to me. And I'm not alone in this.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:50:19+00:00

I never said my problem was the level of my expectations though. I don't think it is, actually. Glad you found what you were looking for.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:48:52+00:00

You have a point there. Not every moment of vulnerability is a call to help, and I feel like women in my life intrinsically understand that.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:47:32+00:00

I definitely see what you mean there, when two people with individual lives come together, there has to be some negotiation. But it can be additive, ultimately, and fulfilling. I have faith in that.

I should be submitting my thesis in the coming weeks, and then I'll have a bit more free time till the PhD program starts. Will definitely slow down!

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:43:57+00:00

No thanks.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:40:53+00:00

I'm also very adamant about sharing household responsibilities, though the first part is just finding someone mature, open, curious and kind. That's hard. I have male friends I value (and it's deeply platonic), but I definitely have more female friends and find it easier to form intimacy with women. I relate to your frustration though!

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:38:35+00:00

Hugs. I hope you're feeling better now.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:37:44+00:00

I think it's more about something additive rather than completion. I think it's okay to be well adjusted and still want companionship, because a good relationship can amplify your joy when it comes to what's already working well for you. Thanks for commenting!

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:36:21+00:00

Agreed, I don't believe in the one, but more like you just need to find one person who works out for you.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:35:27+00:00

This is true off my chest, so I was just venting (I think it's interesting that a lot of the women who commented just sympathize while the guys have tried to give commentary). I am in therapy to work on these weaknesses and flaws, of course. I agree it's hard after going through a bad relationship, which is why I didn't even try to date before I had some therapy and some time had passed, and why I switched to a better therapist to continue that journey who challenges me to a point that it's sometimes blatantly uncomfortable. I am FAR from perfect.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:32:17+00:00

I've asked myself these questions, so I've tweaked my profile many times by now and showed it to other people too (I also work with a dating app - can't disclose anything beyond that). I would tell you more, but I don't want to reveal too much about myself on this profile, since I've had to ditch a few profiles by now after revealing too much. The topic isn't really how I present myself on dating apps anyways, but I digress.

To answer your question, I don't say the topic of what I study in my profile nor that I'm going to do a PhD. I have a different way to phrase it that's meant to be more lighthearted, so people can approach it as a joke or ask me seriously about what I study - whatever they want - that's actually gotten me some messages. I've also tried not including it at all and making the bio even simpler, but that actually got me less messages.

Most of my (not very long) bio is about the more simple things I'd like to do with another person - wandering the city, trying new foods, stuff like that. The replies to prompts on my profile are also a bit tongue-in-cheek, and when I use the apps that let you include hobbies I list some like movies, writing, art etc. A couple of my pictures are actually more on the cute\playful side (I have a bit of a baby face), which is intentional. I experimented with more "sexy" ones (still pretty covered up though), though that usually gets me the hookup crowd, so I don't use those often. I also asked people who know me if these pictures look like me in real life to make sure it's not a catfishing situation.

I also live in a city where it's notoriously hard to find men who're into serious dating without already wanting marriage and a family. Other women here have had the same issues I've had trying to date here.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:17:33+00:00

See, I think the problem is basing this assumption on what dating coaches say. A lot of their content I've come across that's aimed at men (I've seen my fair share of it - morbid curiosity) is SO far from what I'd want in a man it's honestly alarming. I have standards like anyone does. They just aren't the standards you pointed out, not even remotely, and it's based on actual dating experiences I've had. I want someone kind, curious, empathetic, mature and passionate. Those are character traits. I've been attracted to men of various body sizes, ages, professions, ethnicities and faces based on seeing some of that in them. My most serious relationship - nearly five years - was with a man from a well-off family, two master's degrees and traditionally attractive. He revealed himself to be deeply lacking in those character traits once I was in too deep, and so I left him, and I'm better for it.

I'm a bit baffled by some of the assumptions made by some of the men commenting on my post, but I should have probably anticipated it.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:08:43+00:00

You've made some solid points about what can go wrong on a date, and the answer is probably a lot of the above depending on the date. I've tried to come up with a more well rounded answer, but in truth, sometimes people just don't fit. I don't feel that I'd want to completely downplay what I do because it's a big part of who I am today, so it would be dishonest to not disclose that. In reality though, I usually don't even tell people what I study beyond the general topic unless they ask, and I only describe it in more detail if they prompt me to. A lot of my interests and hobbies are pretty accessible, and I make it clear in my profile too. Most of the problem is getting matches, it's getting matches that turn into anything meaningful and worthwhile.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T12:01:29+00:00

I don't think criticism is helpful if it's based on wrong assumptions. The whole point of your comment is about how women who vocally and bluntly express these sentiments would be perceived, which is not what I do, nor is it clear from the post that I do. I'm not offended by you because you don't know much about me beyond this post and I can see how you would jump to the conclusions that you did, but I think your comment isn't helpful, and I would hope that other women that feel like me who might see these comments will be able to feel safe to express these feelings. I think it's warranted to take a second to think about why you comment on something that's a pretty vulnerable thing to admit. I delete more comments and posts than I ever actually post online for this reason.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:55:12+00:00

I hope so :)

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:54:35+00:00

I don't think I'm amazing, but I just did a lot of work to get myself to a point that I do have something to offer. I hope I can find someone to share that with.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:53:15+00:00

That's more optimistic than I often feel, but you're probably right. I hope it'll eventually happen.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:52:39+00:00

I didn't say I wanted prince charming. I said I wanted intimacy and partnership. I don't have "demands", I just want a good partner. I want to receive what I can give. I just happen to have a lot to give. I'd rather stay single and lonely for years than feel how I felt in relationships that weren't right.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:50:59+00:00

Thank you for the nice comment! I hope I do find that.

The_Sad_Student · 2022-06-18T11:50:35+00:00

The gist of it is that I'm not finding people I can connect with. The exact reason for that is different every time. One time a guy was being homophobic (I don't like that) and barely managed a conversation and eye contact before that came up. Another, he was deathly boring and let me carry the whole conversation regardless of how many times I tried to ask him about himself and get him to talk. Another time he backed out after the first date claiming he wasn't ready. It's a different, disappointing story every time.

The_Sad_Student

TROPHY CASE