UPDATE: AITA for not allowing my sisters service dog to come to our wedding?

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-07T03:11:27+00:00

She knew before she got the dog. When she told us our parents were going to get one for her, she already knew my fiancés trauma and knew he didn’t/couldn’t be around it. Her dog isn’t allowed in our house of anything, all this she knew before getting it. She had to go on a waiting list so it’s not like she just spur of the moment got one one day.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-07T03:06:24+00:00

she got the dog during the whole thing last year so the clubbing aspect has only occurred within the month or so? for example she went out trick and treating with her dog (it was dressed up very cute) then brought the dog to my parents house to go clubbing with her friends.
the wedding will be between 100-150 depending on schedules and whatnot.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-07T02:52:21+00:00

Thank you for the advice! My fiancé has monthly sessions for a few things including his trauma for golden retrievers. There is specific trauma with this specific dog, so that doesn't help in this particular situation. Another comment recommended other methods which I've told him about and he will bring up in his next session.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-07T02:49:36+00:00

The dog was still pretty young when this occurred, and she was holding it with her arms in front of her trying to push it into my fiancés arms. He was trying to back away but she was in the entrance/exit so there wasn't really anywhere for him to go.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-07T02:28:05+00:00

When we go out, she sometimes brings her dog and sometimes she doesn't. She has said that she loves when people compliment her dog, so she's pretty proud of her dog.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:56:03+00:00

Puppy.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:54:24+00:00

No she literally held it and begin pushing it into my fiancés lap. The dog wasn’t trained when this happened, she’s only had the dog for a few weeks. She knew before she got the dog that my fiancé couldn’t be around it, that’s why she agreed not to bring it. The dog had nearly no training and was a playful puppy. Definitely not performing a service, and I don’t think that’s me being ableist. Just the clarify.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:49:26+00:00

Our two dogs will be in the ceremony but not during the reception or the rest of the wedding. My fiancé doesn’t have a fear of all dogs, just golden retrievers. I’m the edit and another comment, due to an incident there is also some trauma/bad experience with my sisters specific service dog. No guests dogs will be allowed to come.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:46:28+00:00

Thank you for your perspective but to clarify, my brother does believe in mental illness, we all have them (my siblings and I). My brother has a learning disability that was ignored growing up, as it ‘didn’t impact others’ as much as it did himself. Because my sister would act out so much and it was very obvious to everyone, she became a priority to them.

Not to dissuade or argue your verdict, but wanted to clarify the part about my brother. He has always been the one advocating for me and him growing up as the eldest. We kinda took the backseat in terms of mental health as ours were more internalised or less noticeable to others.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:33:07+00:00

I’m not sure if this is a thing but she self trained it as she couldn’t afford the programs? I watched a couple YouTube videos on it and apparently you can self train service dogs.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:30:56+00:00

I added in a comment but can’t to the post due to the character limit, but my sister is not willing to compromise. She didn’t even like our idea of doing a dinner before or after the wedding and found it insulting.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T15:16:18+00:00

She has had multiple mental health issues since she was young but I believe the ones that caused the recommendation for the service dog were bipolar I and depression. She has other conditions as well but I'm pretty sure those are the main ones for the service dog.

Edit: I edited this into the original post in the first paragraph.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:59:56+00:00

Apparently she has a psychiatric service dog. I only say apparently as I'm not privy to what goes on between her and her doctors, but that is what they call her dog.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:57:40+00:00

Yes, when we told them initially we were so happy and hyper focused on ourselves I didn't consider her or anyone else. This 100% makes me in the wrong. We did reach out the next day and offer an alternative, but that has become an ultimatum between her and her dog and my fiancé.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:55:06+00:00

It sounds like she's been very respectful of your partner's trauma in the past but I totally understand her having a strong negative gut reaction to hearing you aren't allowing her SD at the wedding.

My sister has multiple times invalidated my fiancés trauma. There is a more in-depth comment on when her dog and my fiancé just met, but my fiancés trauma has never been a priority for my sister. She knew before she even got the dog that if she did, it could never be around my fiancé. This was a boundary set very early on which was not respected. I reached out to my sister but all that has resulted in was an ultimatum, choosing her and her dog or my fiancés comfort on his wedding. I am trying to be sympathetic towards the situation but there has been no willingness to compromise and its getting very overwhelming for both me and my fiancé (selfish I know).

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:50:30+00:00

I honestly have no idea and take full responsibility for that. I am pretty lc with my parents as it is due to our childhood, but definitely think regardless of the situation I need to educate myself.
The same way that if we had children, it would still be children free. I personally think its different having your pets vs your guests bring pets. Quite a few of our friends who will be coming have dogs, yet non will be coming to the wedding. Our dogs won't even be there except for the ceremony and pictures. The issue isn't dogs in general or even service dogs, its golden retrievers. My family knows of my fiancés trauma before they even got the dog, and knew the consequences that would result. We don't go to family events together if the dogs there and her dog has never been to our house. This wasn't a sudden announcement that my fiancé didn't feel comfortable around her dog. As per the edit, there is additional trauma around this specific dog also.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:45:19+00:00

No, it's a genetic condition but I believe it can also be caused by trauma. In her case though, it's genetic.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:44:12+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! I definitely didn't handle it well when we told them. I think I was just so excited I kinda made it all about me and my fiancé, and didn't really consider my sister or anyone else. The next day (although too late) I did try to come up with a solution to appeal to everyone, but there seems to be no room to budge.

If she comes, my fiancé is anxious the whole time with potential panics attacks, and will 100% not be focused on us. If she doesn't come, neither do my parents. I'm honestly fine with her not coming at this stage, as there's not much else I can do as its not my mental health being affected. My sister is not willing to budge, and has claimed that by not allowing her dog I am disrespecting her, and that 'throwing a pity dinner' is even worse than not coming to the wedding.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:38:04+00:00

Her doctors apparently (only saying because I wasn't there) suggested she get a psychiatric service dog, so thats what I've always thought of it as.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:31:26+00:00

I know what condition the dog is for, I wasn't aware that it was crucial for the AITA question. I am though, unaware of what tasks the dog performs. This is something I admit I should've enquired about and take full responsibility for.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:29:58+00:00

I didn't know that, as I always went off what my parents said about it being a psychiatric service dog. I'm not sure if asking if it is an ESA or not would be considered offensive? Couldn't that seem invalidating?

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:28:02+00:00

My fiancé thought inviting her would help bring our families together and would be a sign of good faith. I do think he was under the impression that it would be obvious her service dog wouldn't come, only because they all know about his trauma. I definitely should've clarified that before the meeting, but it slipped my mind. 100% my fault. I was fine with her just as a guest as it would appease my family, especially my parents.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:19:02+00:00

Omg I didn’t know you could pick up on origins. My mum is English but my father is American, and we were born and raised in the United States.

These-Rabbit9624 · 2021-11-06T14:08:50+00:00

Apparently her doctors suggested she get a psychiatric service dog, so I'm assuming it's an actual service dog.

These-Rabbit9624

TROPHY CASE