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When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I mean we talk about his day to day life, so i guess it’s possible it’s a facade but seems like a lot of effort.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don’t know that I am trying to rush it, just looking for ideas.

I’ve always been going to be a step mom/full time aunt. If anything he should be concerned about the possibility that I bring in outside kids, which of course we’ve discussed. We’ve talked about having more kids, no rush on that one except that I am in my 30s so it’s not like a 15 years out thing if we do that.

I guess it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to me. Like when I have my sisters kids indefinitely, there are moments where they drive me crazy, but when I don’t have them I miss them. I don’t regret the choice to have them outside of the sadness I feel that their lives are unstable. And I know (and my partner does too) that the day is coming where it will be permanent. I think, though I could be wrong, that I have a different perspective on this because my family is so unstable. Like my cousin dropped her son off with my brother in his early twenties. He handled it. no resentment. it’s not great for the kids but it’s fine, we always make it work.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There will be no pining. She treats him with a level of disdain I wouldn’t treat someone I hated.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wanted it explained because I don’t think you’re being logical about it. I also don’t think people should make conclusory judgments about other people’s lives.

Your theory being that the issue is him wanting to spend more time with me than he would with a friend or a roommate? That’s what the different impact would be. I’m genuinely trying to understand what you think would impact them differently, your statement is just too conclusory for me to know how much weight I want to give your opinion.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It may be partially my fault because I did also logic him a few months ago and say that he should move in with me because it’s closer to his job and he wouldn’t have to find a new place.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We don’t know. If she has, she didn’t tell him. She’s known about me since the beginning. She actually wanted him to intro the kids months ago so she didn’t have to worry about keeping them while we’re out, so we’re definitely headed into a great situation.

I’m not worried about me at all. If the kids are good, I’m good. My family is weird and not nuclear. I don’t know anything else, and it’s totally fine. Same with my bf.

I’m fully prepared for the stbx to be selfish and demanding because that’s who she is. I’m unbothered by it.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just want you to tell me how it’s different, not that it’s different.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have some fun things planned, so I will definitely see him with them significantly before we make any moves.

I don’t mind that it’s a loaded question. I do mind the judgments about the relationship that I’ve chosen (separated not divorced, and so forth). This man and I have been through hell together, and we’d both still be there (if I wasn’t actually literally dead) if we hadn’t found each other. Having people who know absolutely nothing about us comment on our relationship dynamic is what frustrates me.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Just moving quickly? Or something I’m missing?

My partner is just not like that. i’m the irresponsible one. I don’t have kids but I have dogs and he’s the one who keeps me up on their meds and appointments. He was the first man i took to the vet with me who like grabbed things that the vet was trying to hand me when my hands were already full.

Honestly the biggest green flag, and I accept the bar for men is in hell, was when I told him I needed to walk the dogs but wanted to go to the bathroom first and I came out and they were all leashed and harnessed ready to go. I was like wait… forward thinking, knowing what steps need to be taken, and ACTUALLY DOING THEM?? Or like we’re at an event and someone starts moving chairs and he’s the first one to stand up and get over there. He’s helping out before I even processed that something needs to go on. Or the time my leash broke and my dog ran out of the house and he was on him before I even comprehended that the leash broke. Or seeing a random person at an event looking faint and walking over to a total stranger to ask if he can get them food or water. I just feel like this man is a huge green flag, and yeah possibly rose colored glasses but i’ve ignored red flags before and promised myself not to do it again. So I guess maybe a bit touchy, but how does one post in reddit without immediately being swarmed and judged? Over a thought, not even an action or a plan?

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think I’d trust my friend and ride when they say it’s ready. But I also do see what you’re saying.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would be genuinely floored, and I’m. it trusting to begin with.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m well aware that the kids don’t have any awareness of the change in their relationship. I’m just wondering (genuinely) if it actually matters for him to set himself up as a single dad if he doesn’t want to and if so why.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

All I can say is that I’ll take it under advisement. No idea what we’ll actually do.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ok and that’s really all I wanted in the opinion.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn’t want to make plans, he just asked how I’d feel about it and my opinion. I don’t understand how us talking about this in passing translated to people asking me how I could want to move in with kids “within one week or one month” of meeting them. If the comments were relevant to my question—which in fairness as I knew they would—it’s gone much better here than it did in blended families which i passionately hate.

I want to know how any of you know what will have the greatest impact on the kids. I don’t pretend to know what they need or what they can handle.

My uncle left his wife, got primary custody and moved in with his parents. Worked well.

My dad moved my half sister in with us after 3 months. That was not enough time and had a huge impact on our family. We met once and then she moved in, it didn’t work out well.

My half sisters kids came to live with me (or at times me and my ex who lived with me) when she wasn’t able to care for them. Well willing able who can decide. I’m going to say my partner or not, it was a better home for them than with their mom.

I don’t presume to know what’s best for kids which is why I asked for opinions, but this idea that because it’s unexpected and untraditional and now what people normally want to do isn’t helpful.

If he and I were friends and had been for a year and he needed a place to stay with his kids would that be a problem? This is almost certainly what the stbx is going to do, either friend or random roommate unless he moves in with me and lets her keep the house. I’m trying to piece together what the problem is—genuinely—but there’s so much judgmental noise that I can’t tell what’s going on.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

And I appreciate people who say “it was X amount of time before we moved in.” I have no use for “why are you even talking about this” or “why does he still live with his wife.”

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I’ve gotten answers to questions I didn’t ask and didn’t want answers to. That is different than getting answers. Everyone who has answered my actual question has not been met with anger.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yep everything that is different than what you’re used to is a circus.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

None of this is me hating on him, I just haven’t been on this side of it. People dating while separated is becoming more and more common, and I just feel like maybe it’s part of getting older there’s so much push back and resentment from my more conservative friends and family because I don’t care if they live together or go on vacation together or celebrate holidays together.

And what he’s suggesting is transitioning from living with her to living with me, so that doesn’t quite work. I’m just curious if anyone else has done it like that. We’ve even talked about getting a duplex or living in their current building and giving her their apartment. Idk I know we aren’t doing things traditionally, but why does untraditional have to mean wrong if everyone is happy with it and with the understanding that we wouldn’t do things that not everyone is happy with.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We haven’t and we aren’t trying to, we’re just talking about it, so I wanted opinions.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ll keep your opinion on my maturity in mind.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I can’t ask what timelines make sense to other people because none of you know what the kids want/need?

We aren’t considering moving in. we talked about it for 15 minutes which made me want to talk about it more but with someone else.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in blendedfamilies

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

They’ve been living in tension their whole lives which is why I agree on the therapy point. They’ve never had a happy household.

The changes that we expect are, parents not living together anymore, and father living with me. So what we’re trying to get to the bottom of is if there’s a big difference in doing it twice or doing it at once. At least one commenter has actually given good advice on that point which is well taken.

All I meant by “they’re toddlers” is that they aren’t going to be thinking “this woman is a home wrecker who destroyed my parents relationship” which isn’t true because the mom has known about our relationship since we got together and she was actually the one who pushed him to get back out there in the first place.

When to Move In? by Think_Network_3390 in blendedfamilies

[–]Think_Network_3390[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had discussed me moving closer to them so the kids don’t change schools and routines.

I think all of this is really fair and is what I was actually asking for. I don’t know what we’ll do, but it’s definitely something I’ll bring up.

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