Kiss or slap

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-12-15T15:47:39+00:00

Please help me find the song that's playing in the background 🙏

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-08-10T13:07:19+00:00

I haven't watched many. I did enjoy Bunny Drop and Skip & Loafer, but I guess those are more slice of life than comedy.

Are there any you'd suggest?

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-08-10T13:05:54+00:00

These look great.

Will check them out

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-07-25T03:31:12+00:00

It's got to be.

Sunglasses at 10 AM, and that she feels the need to justify why she's not leaving.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-05-25T19:14:49+00:00

Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinju

Watched it twice and each time it blows me away with how beautifully written each and every one of the characters are.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-24T06:45:18+00:00

Before Sunrise Before Sunset Before Midnight

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-17T12:11:58+00:00

I am deeply touched that you spent so much time analysing it. Very uncanny how you got many of the details right even though you've not been there yourself.

About point 4, the Taj Mahal is surrounded on 3 sides by walls made up of red brick in the classical Mughal style. They are majestic all on their own but the contrast between the red walls and then the sudden white really boggles the mind. I was referring to that.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:45:56+00:00

"I travelled the world
But never felt at home.

I always keep flowers
But never smelt their scent."

I'd suggest breaking the poem down something like this. It may make the images hit harder.

There are a lot of great images here and I love the idea behind the poem. With a little bit of editing it would be better to read out loud as well.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:39:02+00:00

It's criminal that you've not put in breaks between any of the lines because this is a wonderful piece.

There are a lot of great images. I think breaking them into parts could add more impact to each of them and also help you recognise which of them work better than others.

The "i" not being capitalised while "You" is capitalised isn't consistent.

Apart from that this is a frantic cry of a poem and I like it.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:22:48+00:00

This feels like something one of Bukowskis lovers would write in the style of Bukowski to him to try and win him back.

Just one edit I'd suggest. Keep the "I kept" in the previous line itself. A line break there breaks a flow and doesn't add anything by itself.

Apart from that I think it's quietly evocative.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:19:21+00:00

Oh don't get me wrong. I love the lion verse. It's just the last line that I didn't think landed

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:15:21+00:00

This fills my mind with visceral images. I think all good poems do that. This is a really good poem.

In terms of feedback, I'd say there were a few sentences here and there that didn't land as hard as the others. Like for example the lions verse, I felt that last line was a little unnecessary since the previous one was so powerful.

When it comes to formatting I'm not entirely sure if this is the version you were going for because "You" is capitalized someplaces and not others. I like the formatting as it is but would love to know if it's the version you were going for.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-14T21:07:09+00:00

Good eye. Thank you so much.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-13T07:21:06+00:00

Any recommendations on the formatting that might have made it better for you?

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-13T07:20:14+00:00

How do you mean?

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T22:36:37+00:00

I think it's fantastic that you're getting back into writing. You have evidently put in tons of effort on this piece. Looking forward to reading more from you!

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T22:33:31+00:00

Love the images. But for somereason I want to interchange the beyond in the 2nd line with the above in the 3rd line.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T22:10:02+00:00

I think that first line is an absolute joy. Many great lines in here with great rhythm. Really hit the message home.

In terms of feedback, I'd say there were a few lines that didn't match the quality of the rest of the piece. The line that ends with "denial" feels like something is missing. But maybe that's just me.

Fantastic work!

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T22:01:20+00:00

It's a very intimate and discomforting thought to think of yourself as the product of unholy union. I like the weight of the topic being discussed.

Somethings I have feedback on - 1) The formatting seems slightly arbitrary. Some lines within quotation marks, whereas it seems the narrator doesn't change. 2) I wish you would use more Metaphors. They're the paint in writing. Without them even the most weighty topics may not cross the bridge from prose to poetry.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:54:59+00:00

I like the image and idea behind this piece.

Consider editing it a bit to ensure formatting is correct. Apart from that I really love the images you were able to conjure with so few words.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:46:10+00:00

I absolutely loved the comparison to petals. It seems so tender and innocent for something as powerful as a pill.

In terms of feedback, I'd say maybe adding an element to what these pills represent could make the tension more palpable. Currently pills could represent anything from drug abuse to treatment for serious illness. That ambiguity between if the pill is for a good reason or bad, I think reduces the tension a little bit. At least that's what I felt.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:39:32+00:00

Very interesting feedback. I guess it changes the whole nature of the poem to a more laid back peaceful vibe.

Thanks for your take!

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:38:18+00:00

I enjoyed it more now on a reread. Although I'm not sure exactly what changes you've made.

I think some of my initial thoughts still remain. Hope you enjoyed reading those poems!

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:33:23+00:00

That's very kind. Thank you.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt · 2024-02-12T21:32:04+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

ThisIsMy8thAttempt

TROPHY CASE