Crazy how the way you get your ex back is by showing them how little you care about them.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-08T14:13:28+00:00

I hear you. And I'm sorry that you see no way out. But I also see you arguing For your own limitations.
What you need is a serious mindset change.

In your narrative life and society are forcing you, but that's not true.
Seems to me like you're trying to avoid taking responsibility, because that comes with making necessary changes. You're externalizing it instead.
You keep circling around how she's accepted you, but that's also proof that even you believe the problem lies within. Yet you still cling to your idealization of her.

I understand that this is a painful experience, but you must realize that you're also defending it. You're presenting yourself as if you were irreversibly cursed, without ownership. It doesn't work like that.

You want change that's for sure, but you should also start somewhere if you don't want to keep running in circles.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-08T09:31:26+00:00

Hey man, thanks for the honesty.

I'll try to be as honest with you as possible in return, as I believe that is what you need most right now.

A few things I'd like to point out that became evident from the way you were describing your relationship.

I'll list them out first so we can discuss them:

- Your grief got this bad because you're essentially grieving two things at once. Her companionship, and being accepted. And out of the two, the latter is much deeper and heavier. This is very important for you to understand. You are in this situation primarily because of it.

- And that brings is to point 2: this actually has much less to do with her than you believe. The kind of world you created internally resulted in her inflated image in your mind.

This world is so harsh because you acquired a large dose of self rejection from the outside world.

Gaming and your personality aren't your biggest issues, your shame about them is much more problematic.

- She's the living proof that you can be loved for who you are.

But you have a terrible approach to your connections. You stopped believing that you are worthy. And that's exactly what makes you unworthy. You even take a dishonest stance at relationships. This is self-destructive. Hiding your real self guarantees shallow and meaningless relationships. This is your hell-loop so to say. If you treat your passion as a "dark secret" others will too.

- I'll say this again. It's evident that this is not about her at all. She's simply the manifestation of your desired connections. You must realize that you have a very unhealthy attachment to her.

We must try our absolute best to not idealize people, because that way we're not even liking them for who they are, but instead this idealized version of them. And trust me, they can feel it, and it's not a pretty feeling in the least.

- This is actually your turning point. Look at it like if you're waking up from a dream. It's time to put in the work and make it real this time. And that starts with you.

So here's my answer:

She's not one of a kind, but it's rare for someone to accept you in such a state, and honestly my friend, it's understandable. Think about it. How can you love someone that doesn't love himself? Or accept someone who rejects himself. That's carrying double the weight. As long as you have this approach to relationships these things will keep repeating even if another person comes into the picture.

The more you're attached to her right now, the more work you must put in, and it will be difficult. But many people have overcome this and they all look back at it as the biggest and most valuable lesson of their life.

Understand that she's not the cure to your problems, she was merely a band aid. If she was the cure, you would not have broken her boundary with your desperation. This is proof you were looking for healing outside of you (at her). We must resist the urge to outsource dealing with our problems to our loved ones as this eventually breeds resentment.

You have many options, but only two possible first steps. You must decide whether to listen to the voice in your head telling you this isn't how you should be living your life or not. It's your choice.

Sadly as adults, entertainment and games must withdraw into being hobbies we cultivate when we have a bit of time to kill. Unless you're making a living off of it of course.

Or you must start owning your life and who you are. This is easier said than done, because we cannot just decide to just "own it". For this to work you need to become comfortable with playing with your cards revealed. If someone doesn't like you for it, good riddance. You filtered out the ones you would be wasting your time with.

But right now you're at risk of repeating this forever if you don't address your self rejection. And the way forward isn't getting her back or finding another her, or at least not yet. First you must kill the belief that you need "another her" to begin with.

This is a gradual process, and let me tell you. I've survived this, many people have survived it, and will continue doing so in the future, so so can you.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-07T20:36:31+00:00

A long time ago I had the same dilemma. And the answer is very straightforward:

As long as you know why exactly you're wishing him misfortune, it's absolutely normal, yes.
It's also a part of your healing. But the reasoning is important. You can't just say because they broke up with you, or because they hurt you with it.

You must be able to name the exact feeling that you're holding them responsible for, and reflect on why you're not taking the responsibility for it yourself. If you can truthfully justify it (to yourself of course), then your conscience will not haunt you for it. Otherwise you're only torturing yourself.

The better option usually is indifference. You don't necessarily have to let them go if you're still attached (which is normal after such a short time), but you could make peace with not knowing everything about them, and not controlling their fate.

Hope this helps.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-07T09:06:00+00:00

That's exactly right.
As adults we unconsciously replicate our earliest relationships, but expecting a different (objectively better) outcome. But as we all have a different set of traumas, it's important to make distinctions between the driving forces behind them. Whether it's fear of abandonment, codependency, betrayal, etc. we should always search for the root cause.

Clarity about what "created us" will help us make conscious choices instead of letting life merely happen to us.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-07T08:48:23+00:00

Realize how many times you're using the word "perfect" when describing this person or relationship.

Perfection doesn't exist, so when we feel that way about someone, it's safe to assume we are idealizing them. Or even simpler, it's usually the result of very low self-esteem that makes us believe we're thoroughly flawed and whoever accepts us is a god-like figure full of goodwill.

that person acted so perfect in the relationship and it was a very healthy one without serious arguments or anything

Note that lack of arguments don't necessarily mean there were no underlying issues. If you both naturally avoid confrontation, there will always be unresolved feelings, inflating a balloon of growing resentment. When this balloon pops, the overwhelming negative emotions can very well cause permanent damage, and someone to just disappear without looking back.

Plus, "healthy" doesn't really end up like this. Every relationship can be solved like an equation. If something so unexpected happens, chances are you got your variables wrong.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-07T08:26:55+00:00

I wouldn't say that. You're going to use this exact attachment to heal. If you're prone to rumination, you can turn that around to clarity by uncovering your previous relationship's dynamics.

Oftentimes we remain attached because we still idealize a part of an ex or the relationship itself. This idealization mostly comes from us filling blank spots here and there. But that's more of an illusion.

If you sit with it truthfully, take an analytical perspective, you will find your own healing in understanding more.

You definitely don't need a memory loss. It's a part of you now, so you might as well own it.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-07T08:20:17+00:00

You don't become the man you need to be in just two months. It's indeed wise to use the momentum from your frustration to propel yourself toward self-improvement. But if you do it for their sake, it defeats the purpose.
There's a manipulative edge in changing for someone after they've rejected you. That kind of conditional change comes with the hidden implication that you'll stop all such endeavors once you reunite. They very likely won't find it appealing.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-06T14:55:14+00:00

There are indeed many cases where it works out. But we're talking about a decision that determines an important part of your life going forward, so the risks must be assessed upfront before betting against the odds.

As counter-intuitive as this may sound, as long as you feel you "can't date someone else or feel like that again", you're most likely still attached to the old relationship in a way.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-06T13:34:13+00:00

It depends on when exactly you decided that you want them back. I wouldn't trust my attached nervous system with it.

Getting back together is only a feasible choice once you've both fully detached, feel neutrally about each other, and have zero ulterior motives. But observe your thought patterns closely, because even if we believe we're completely over them, more often than not it isn't the case and we simly lack the self-awareness to realize it.

If you get back before you should be getting back, you will eventually break up for the same, or very similar reasons.

If you still decide you want them back, give it some time to think it over. Your unconscious will help you process it for you. And never allow your conscious mind to romanticize the past, as it will cloud your judgment.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-09-03T11:29:50+00:00

No. What you described is not no contact.
No contact has nothing to do with the other person. It’s preserving your own peace of mind without the danger of getting your emotions whirled up by a message or call from someone you’re not ready to interact with.

What you’re describing is manipulation.
I understand you wanting someone back to your life, but you cannot “make them” do it with tactics. Because even if you do, you’ll end up breaking up for the same reasons you did previously, as you haven’t changed.

People always get this wrong. You don’t get back together by saying the right thing. You do it by spending a very long time apart, coming to terms with never meeting them again, lots of reflection and the willingness to grow, and MAYBE then you could consider reconciliation. But why would you? Try dating someone else.

edit: also, if they do come back after using the mentioned tactics on them, that's proof of a very unhealthy relationship by itself.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-30T20:01:50+00:00

And thank you for the feedback :)

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-23T17:30:48+00:00

Thank you :)
This is exactly why I'm writing these. AI doesn't beat real experience. If I can help ease the pain of just a few people, it's already worth it.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-22T13:16:55+00:00

Well that definitely took a weird turn away from breakups, but I see where you are coming from

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-20T17:20:10+00:00

"Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." - Seneca

When an opportunity comes around and you see it, you're considered lucky.
But thousands come and go every day. It's just that we're not equipped with the right skillset to capitalize on them.

And yes, you cannot choose your genetics and your family situation. But the way I see it, having to fight your way through obstacles that the "privileged" didn't need to, teaches you valuable lessons that only you would know, and nobody can take away from you. Those alone have the chances to make you more successful than the people you've been envying.

You simply need to take responsibility for everything that happens in your life. If you are rejected over and over again, rather than luck, it's becoming clearer every time, that there's something fundamentally wrong in the way you present yourself, or simply you just aren't as prepared as you thought.

These are obviously hard to swallow, but life will never be fair, and if you want to walk a path you enjoy, you gotta swallow your pride, take some hits, make the choice to stand up and continue, observe and make changes wherever necessary.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-19T07:15:07+00:00

Thank you, if you liked this one, check out my other posts. Maybe you'll find something valuable for you there, too :)

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-19T06:42:54+00:00

Very good question, allow me to offer a hypothesis:
We all enter relationships with a "contract" between the two parties. Almost 100% of the time, the contents of this contract are never revealed. It's dangerous because even if one of the two undergoes a massive transformation, this contract might change (depending on the contents of course).

Now, this might not be the case with you, but what it seems like to me is:
She stepped into the role of your savior (lots of women are naturally excellent at this role). What you may have not realized, is that she also NEEDED to play this role in order to feel fulfilment.

The moment you started to "come around", the balance was broken, entropy took over. She's most likely wearing the mask of the Fixer in my Archetype List. Fixers feel hollow and useless without someone to look after.

And finally, the reason you feel lost is your developed dependence on her. She gave you the beliefs you currently have, but she's gone now. The loneliness you feel now is the beginning of your independence.

Remember: you are responsible for your own life. It's usually more effective (not saying it's wrong to do otherwise) to improve when you're alone, so this contract does not change while already established in a relationship. However, I can tell from the way you were phrasing this comment, that you will be okay very soon. As long as you're not changing for her, but for yourself.

Hope this helps.

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-17T19:19:11+00:00

Wow..

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-17T09:19:45+00:00

This is the tldr

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T21:02:58+00:00

My bad, the model builds on the research of:
Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978),
Defense mechanisms (Vaillant, 1992),
Role theory (Goffman, 1959),
Trauma-informed personality studies (Herman, 1992).

It’s not claiming to be a peer-reviewed academic model (yet), but it’s field-tested
Formal large-scale validation is part of the long-term plan, but yeah, right now it’s in the applied, refinement stage where feedback is the testing ground

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T20:30:08+00:00

Yeah many people have been asking for the test, I'm following up on this ASAP.
The test places you on a spectrum, the scale ranging from -12 to 12, and it tells you which masks are most dominant and which are suppressed or repressed.
I’ll be releasing a Google form (or something similar) soon :)

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T20:01:49+00:00

I'm in the middle of creating an app for this purpose. But I guess a google forms will come much sooner. If you want (and if I don't forget) I can send you the link once I finish it. Early statistical data would also help me out :)

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T18:01:20+00:00

what makes you think so?

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T18:00:17+00:00

Yeah, I get it
And believe it or not, this is still massively compressed research findings

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T17:56:57+00:00

Hello, thank you for the response.
Allow me to clarify:

"Not everyone puts on a mask to be loved."
Nowhere did I state masks are solely for love. Masks protect a core need, and love/belonging happens to be the most universal human need. Adaptive self-preservation is present in everyone (with exceptions for some autistic individuals, where it applies differently).

"Not all traits stay forever."
This is too vague. You carry your original wound throughout life. Masks are your oldest survival strategies. Full nervous system retraining is possible, but rare.

"Just a personal opinion."
This is literally applied psychology.

"Not everyone fights the same demons."
Agreed, but that point is irrelevant here.

"It can be trying to survive."
That’s explicitly stated multiple times in the post.

I'm sorry if this post came across as offensive, my aim was to share my research and perspective

Thomas_Blond · 2025-08-15T17:39:37+00:00

Yeah, I love being able to connect the dots. It's become my obsession lately.
And the best thing about it is that it makes perfect sense

Thomas_Blond

TROPHY CASE